New perspective!

This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.

Well no more.

No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.

I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.

I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.

I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.

And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.

My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.

How it has been, how it will be, how it should be.

well it's been forever since I updated, and my brain is feeling so overloaded with thoughts I figured I should get posting! So, for starters, let's talk about where I'm at. I'm at 17 weeks + 2 days pregnant. Woo! For a twin pregnancy I'm almost half way! (At 19 weeks I will be half way, as they won't let me go beyond 38 weeks). Funny thing is, I'm excited, but I'm also becoming terrified. Not only will I be bringing a beautiful baby into the world in around 21 1/2 weeks, but I will be bringing in TWO. Am I ready? No. Am I emotionally or financially prepared?? HELL no. Do I feel like I have a right to be terrified? Hell YES I do! I'm not wonder woman, and I'm not this great organizing genius that some people portray me to be. It's an illusion. I'm really a great procrastinator, and that's why I organize so early in advance. Because if I don't, it won't get done. End of story. These babies are going to completely turn our lives inside out and upside down. I really don't even think that I even come close to understanding how much, and the not knowing, well that's what scares me.

How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.

So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.

Long time no see!

why have I not posted in nearly a month?? Because I've been dead. Dead to the whole world, due to chronic fatigue and "morning" sickness. Morning being in quotations, because it's not just in the morning, it's pretty much every waking hour! lol but, now that I'm at the 11 week mark (just beyond actually) I'm beginning to finally feel a bit better! My energy level is up, I'm actually accomplishing simple tasks and chores, and I'm not permanently etched into my butt groove on the couch. Things are looking up, and I'm starting to get all excited all over again! Why do you ask?? well for one, I'm awake, coherent and feeling better. (You have nooooo idea what I'm talking about until you've been there. Imagine having the flu for a solid month, and that's exactly where I was.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100%, but I feel MUCH better. The other reason for being excited... well all my friends and family know, that I had my first ultrasound last week, and have discovered that I'm having TWINS! OMFG right!? It was probably the most amazing day of my life, seeing those babies on the monitor. Then, after all the info finding was done by the tech, my mother, best friend, and husband came in to see. There were so many screams in that room, that I bet you could hear us all at Tim Hortons across the parking lot! TWINS! I still can't believe it! But it does explain the intensity of my symptoms, and how almost none of my pants fit already. I really couldn't ask for anything more. A happy life, a darling husband, a wonderful home of our own, and now a family. A whole family! I'm hoping for a boy and a girl, but I'll be ecstatic either way, as long as they are born healthy and safe. What more could a woman want?

hormones hormones everywhere...

well here I am posting at almost midnight on this last full day of summer. Am I sad summer is gone?? HELL NO! I love fall, it's my favorite time of year. Sadly, right now I do not feel happy. I don't feel energized, I don't feel calmed. I feel completely and totally crappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Why?? Why would I feel so sad when I have absolutely everything going for me in my life that I could possibly want?? One word. Hormones. I feel fat, I feel ugly. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I feel angry and frustrated. Am I fat or ugly?? I'm 50 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, and have never ever thought I really was ugly. Do I have any reason to be sad or depressed?? No, as I said a sentence ago, I have everything I could possibly want. Am I alone?? Far from it! As for angry and frustrated, right now EVERYthing makes me feel that way. I'm at home, and the mess makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm too sad and depressed and tired to do anything about it, so I sit around eating getting more fat and ugly. ALL BECAUSE OF HORMONES! None of it makes any sense; not one tiny bit! Everything right now frustrates and angers me to the very point of explosion. Some family, some friends, some home, and LOTS of work. Let's face it, I need a vacation. Fortunately I have a well deserved and very much needed 6 days off in the beginning of October, where I can refuel and recharge, and hopefully find some happy in amidst the hormonal storm. I know it will pass, I know it's only temporary... But seriously, I cannot wait for this phase to be over, because being angry and frustrated and sad all the time, is causing me to be even more worn out. Every day I sleep more and more, which I guess is good, because then I have less time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Anyway, as I type I'm getting more and more tired, so my typing is getting worse and worse... as is my brain power and ability to make coherent sentences. I actually seriously spell checked this... this baby is actually rotting out my brain, I'm so sure of it that... that.... well there's a good example right there. A totally incomplete thought.

A week has passed...

So, an entire week has passed, and I'm feeling oh-so-funky. I have a headcold. One that totally robbed me of my voice yesterday, and today is making my face feel about 20lbs heavier than normal.... (clearly it's moved into my sinuses.) So add some wicked pregnancy symptoms to that and you can bet I'm feeling pretty... ok lousy. Fortunately, at my doctor's appointment last week I had the brain power to ask for some Diclectin for my nausea. It's really only intermittent, like every other day or so, but when it hits bad, it's really bad. I spent last wednesday on the couch for the ENTIRE DAY. Seriously, I got up to pee, and that was it. So now I'm on the nausea/vomiting medication for pregnant women, and it's MUCH more bearable. It doesn't totally go away mind you, but I'm functioning. I have had some new developing symptoms this past week...

First of all, the food cravings have begun. My poor poor husband. A few days ago I damned near bowled over a McDonalds full of people just to get some chocolate milk. That hasn't changed. Today I bought a 4L jug of it. I bet it will be gone by tomorrow. While I dragged my sickly ass through the grocery store to grab said chocolate milk, I saw a can of Chef Boyardee. Welcome craving number 2! It was on sale (thank god) so I grabbed 5 cans. I figured "wow, I'm so hungry I could easily eat two cans at lunch!" so when I got home I grabbed a huge bowl and unloaded the first can. I figured, "well, better start with one and work my way up..." good thing, because I got 3/4 of the way through that can and my stomach started to scream "alright!! that's enough!! Stop!!" hehe, but I don't listen to my stomach so I finished the can. lol Fortunately I didn't get sick, but I bet next time I will.

Along with food cravings, I now have some food aversions. Get this one; chicken breast. Oh yeah. The one thing on earth that we eat more than bread or milk. I made shake and bake chicken breast for dinner, had 2 bites, and went "oh no, not having this..." I pushed it aside completely disgusted, and hoped that it was just the shake and bake making me grossed out. Well, being sick, last night I had soup for supper. Some really yummy looking chicken corn chowder. (something normally reserved for a treat, so clearly it's something I like) Nope. I forced down about half of it, but couldn't do it. Which leads me to the conclusion that it's the chicken. Don't get me wrong, I will try chicken in numerous ways before I give up, but I have a feeling I'm losing this one.

Final random symptom... I HAVE VEINY BOOBS! Seriously, it's nasty. I've always had prominent veins, everywhere really... but now, they are 3 dimensional and yucky, and freaking painful! I mean, my boobs have hurt all along, but now they are in a constant state of horrible bruised feeling. I felt that they were bad before, now they are awful. I feel like each one of my breasts have been run over by a steam roller, then blown back up and filled with sand. Sounds great huh? I'm seriously becoming terrified at the thought of how they will be when my milk comes in *shudder*.

So that's my pregnancy in a nutshell this past week, all weird symptoms, baby brain, sleepiness and sickness. It's awesome. lol thankfully first trimester is over half over, so I can start looking to the sun-shiny glow of the second trimester horizon. *yay*

And then there was puke...

Oh yes, that's right... This morning was my first trip to the porcelain goddess. Stupid thing is, it was probably preventable.

I got up this morning and felt pretty good! No cramps, no nausea, no dizziness! Great right?! Well I got a cup of coffee, and sat to watch tv with my husband. After about 45 minutes I decided to take a shower, and have breakfast after. Ha... idiot. The moment I opened the shower curtain, my baby and therefore my stomach said, "oh no, you're going to eat NOW! OR ELSE!" well I stopped for a moment, looked in the mirror, looked down at the toilet, and BAM! Up came the coffee I had just finished consuming. In between hurls I called out to Bryce to make me some toast asap. He said "what do you want on it??" I said "I don't care! Butter, anything, as long as it's food!" So my lovely man made me some buttered toast, which I quickly ate, and felt better almost instantly. Then I was able to shower. Sheesh, I'm such a moron....

So mental note from now on, get up, eat, drink coffee, carry on with my day. I guess over the years I got so used to not eating breakfast, that now I'm having a hard time adjusting. Well a few more episodes of barfing up my coffee in the morning, should cure that pretty quickly!

new discoveries!

Today (and last night) I made some discoveries. Firstly, night shift is going to be REALLY hard to get used to. I'm already sooo tired all the time, nights just isn't going to work as well as I'd like. But, I am stuck with it, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to manage. Second discovery (and my favorite) my baby LOVES poached eggs on toast. How do I know??? Although I already enjoyed this breakfast very much, today it was what I craved as soon as I woke up, and as soon as I had the first bite, it was like a mini orgasm in my mouth. Oh yes, it was THAT good. lol

I am also trying to track my baby's development. Yesterday, at the 5 week mark (on the dot!) his/her heart started beating. How cool is that?!My little seed-sized baby is growing and developing so much each day, it's so exciting! I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could enjoy it that much more... but I assure you, my dreams are filled with nothing but visions of my baby and what our future will look like. I may not appear excited through glassy eyes and the black circles and bags under them, but deep inside, I'm totally beside myself with joy. :)

Good Morning World!

Once again starting the day with a smile on my face! Well, at first I wasn't. Today I have learned a valuable lesson... or two. lol First, I have realized that the first 20 minutes or so after I wake up, are when I feel best during the day. No cramping, no nausea, no dizziness, no nothing! If I wasn't so ecstatic about being pregnant, I probably wouldn't even remember that I was at all until after I had my coffee! Second lesson, and the largest, is to stay off of the freaking internet! I was feeling a little stiff this morning, my shoulders and back were aching a bit and needed to be stretched out. Well naturally what I do first is look up "pregnancy + shoulder pain" on google. IDIOT! First bunch of items that come up, is all about preeclampsia. So, I read and I begin to panic, meanwhile as I move around the achiness goes away, and I realize that I have NONE of the other symptoms of preeclampsia. So I got myself all panicked and worried for nothing.

So today, I have officially banned myself from looking pregnancy worries up on the internet. I will take all my questions and concerns to my midwife. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Get ourselves all worked up in a tizzy over a symptom that could be anything or nothing?? Why do we feel the drive to look crap up on the internet, then get all panicked over what we read, as if what is written on every page is gospel? Because we are hormonal; every emotion and feeling is enhanced to the point where we are either extremely happy, or feeling the absolute WORST is going to happen. Yeesh, where's the cure for THAT during pregnancy?? I can handle the nausea, the cramping, the headaches, the dizziness, the sore boobs, all of it! But the hormones, THAT is what's going to kill me first!

5 weeks and counting!

Good morning world! Anyone noticed a change in my outlook and perspective?? could I possibly be any more happy?! Every day I wake up with a protective hand on my tummy, say "good morning little one" to my tiny child, and instantly start smiling. It is truly one of the most wonderful things to ever happen in my life, and despite the nausea, cramping, dizziness and sore boobs, it is a hundred time worth it! I could be sick in bed for days, and I would still be able to get out a little smile, and talk to my baby. Life is wonderful.

Nothing much has really changed, except my cramping has gone down substantially. In fact it's nearly gone. (woo!) The pain overall wasn't really that bad, just nerve-wracking. So I'm glad that stage (for now) is over. Other than that, things pretty much remain the same. All I can think is how long the next 8 1/2 months are going to be. I want to feel the baby! I want to have a big popped out tummy! But sadly I have months to wait for both of those things, and as many of you know, I am NOT a patient person! But, I would rather wait, than have a premature child, so this month I will strive to learn patience.

Tiny Parry...

Well, let me first say that I was originally intending not to tell anyone but immediate family and our closest friends until I was 8 weeks. Soooo... then I changed it to, well I'll tell everyone personally, just as long as it's not plastered all over the internet before I tell anyone.... Theeen, I just decided I couldn't handle it anymore and decided to spew it everywhere!

I'M PREGNANT!

Even looking at those words, and saying it aloud... I can't believe it's true! But, looking back on the past few weeks, I'm surprised I didn't question it sooner.

We didn't try this month. I felt I was done, I was tired of stressing over it, I decided it would just be best if I took control of my health and my life and put it on the back burner. HA! See how well that worked out? As for symptoms?? I was tired. ALL THE TIME. I was sleeping 12 hours a day and still needed naps. I wasn't handling my nightshifts well AT ALL, when normally I can manage way better. (That's why I do them!) I was moody. Ok, so moody for me isn't unusual, especially around "that time" of the month. But I wasn't just bitchy and cranky. I cried reading a romance novel! Seriously! I cried during a stupid movie! ON THE SAME DAY! I should have noticed that being a red flag right away. Next, my boobs hurt. Now they usually do before my period, but this time they felt as if they weighed 50 lbs! Really a weird feeling if you haven't had it before. They weren't just achy, they felt heavy(er), which was a whole new and different experience for me. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back... I had cramps. Without a period. Now my first thought was "endometriosis, I had better schedule some more surgery", so I did! I called my specialist and began getting everything set up. After awhile, and a few days past my period due date, I then thought "hm... odd... maybe I should take a test?? nah... couldn't be..." I really didn't believe it was possible, as we didn't try, and we didn't have sex around the time that I normally thought was the time we should. So I put it off, and as the symptoms continued, I became worried about my health. Not worried about pregnancy, I had written it off for the month, I never once thought I could be pregnant. But, I went and bought the test, just so I could rule it out in case I needed to go to the doctor. (I'm sure it would be one of the first questions they would ask, so I'd better know the answer for certain!) So I took the test, I'm parked on the toilet in the bathroom watching this very faint little line appear... I thought for sure I was imagining things, so I got up and shuffled into the bedroom and continued to watch the line get DARKER. By the way, did I mention I took this test in the evening?? not in the morning as recommended, but at 9:00 at night... Shakily, I called Bryce into the bedroom, and asked him if I was just seeing things, or if that line was actually there... He was confused, and wasn't sure what he was looking at. He looked at me and asked "what does that mean??" With tears in my eyes, I said "oh my god, I think I'm pregnant!" Completely in disbelief, I proceeded to call my best friend for confirmation. I asked her how dark a line has to be on a test for it to be positive. And she stated "as long as you can see it, it's positive. It doesn't matter how dark it is! Why are you asking??" Like she didn't know... yeesh. lol I practically shouted in her ear "well I guess then I'm pregnant!" She then actually screamed. There was no practically about it! From there I called my mother, and we both shared some tears over the phone. We then decided that since it was night time, I would take the other test in the morning, just to be certain it wasn't a false positive. That night, I hardly slept. Both out of excitement and anxiety, and pain. The pain I felt was nothing short of horrific. Naturally I was terrified, like maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy or something. Apparently (I found out later) that pain can be very very normal, especially with implantation, and ESPECIALLY with endometriosis. So, around 4 am, I got up and went to take the other test. Lol it's funny now, but it wasn't then. The test was defective. The only other test I had in the house and the damned thing was broken. It wouldn't absorb fluid AT ALL, so there was no positive, no negative, no nothing. So, at 7:00 am I woke Bryce and very sweetly asked my exhausted husband if he could walk to the store to pick up another test. #1, so I could know for sure, and #2, so I could PEE! I was ready to burst at this point, but I wasn't going to waste my precious urine without something to test it on! So, my loving husband made the walk to the store and back with my test, and we soon discovered that it too, was positive. We had a busy day of doctor's appointments and bloodwork after that, and many many excited phonecalls to friends and family.

Even after all that, it still hasn't completely sunk in... But I guess we have 8 months to get used to the idea! 5 weeks down... so many more to go!

August 1st

Omg can you believe it's August?? already??! I'm so excited! I can't wait to experience all the seasons in our new home! :D Anyways, onto the food stuffs...

yesterday after breakfast I had:

2 pieces toast with poached egg
Cream of spinach soup
baby carrots
Apple

Dinner at inlaws: Roasted pepper pasta salad, potato salad, brocolli slaw, corn on the cob, and ribs. (there was bread there too, but I passed on it) I had dessert too. Turtle cheesecake, and a scoop of icecream. I shouldn't have done it, but I won't deny that I had it! However, looking back on it, it really didn't seem worth it... :( I think I'll pass on it next time. I had 2 pieces of ribs, but seconds on nothing else. I didn't pile my plate high either, and I tried to eat slowly. For once I think I was the last person finished eating! :D

Today:
Breakfast of shredded wheat and bran cereal, with almond milk.
Coffee

Given that we went to the inlaws yesterday for supper, we had no opportunity to go grocery shopping. So, once again I will be having soup for lunch from work. Oh well, at least it's soup! Also, I would like to mention that there was really yummy looking cake on the table at work for the better part of the day. I didn't touch it. Not once! I will take this moment to pat myself on the back. :D I notice that when I have to write down everything I eat, I'm a little more conscious of what I put in my mouth. I think "is it worth it?? do I really want to admit that I did that??" and it really helps. Here's hoping I can keep this up!

July 31st

Morning all! I just wanted to fill you in on my food for yesterday and this morning. :)

After I had posted, I had:

*2 Black Plums (yum)

*Dinner! Which consisted of : Flank steak marinated with Soy sauce, vinegar, honey, garlic powder, ground ginger and green onion, boiled red potatoes with dill, and mixed vegetables (carrots, brocolli and cauliflower)

*aaaaand I had dessert, but before you crucify me, you should know what it was. I had homemade rice pudding, made with 1% milk, sultana raisins, and SPLENDA. So it could've been worse. I shouldn't have made it, I shouldn't have had it, but there ya go.

*This morning for breakie, I've had a cup of coffee, and when I'm done this post I'm having a bowl of corn bran squares with almond milk.

Lunch is yet to be determined, because I haven't been grocery shopping yet, so I need to order lunch from work. I'm hoping it's some ordinary broth soup or a basic sandwich, but who knows till I get there.... dammit. lol

Have a fun day everyone!

On my own

well, since I have been finished with The Biggest Loser program, I have been VERY self destructive. I've been eating whatever, drinking alcohol, and not exercising. My hip has been hurt since a fateful day at work when it popped, and really hasn't been the same since. It hurts all the time, and I haven't yet found an answer as what to do about it. A good and wise friend suggested I try glucosamine, so today I will be off to the pharmacy to make that purchase. (Glucosame Sulfate, because glucosamine chondroiten has shark fin in it... and I don't want anything to do with that.) So, today starting right this moment, I'm back ON the wagon. I don't have a food journal anymore, so I'm going to try (note TRY because I'm not the best at remembering to blog, but I'm really going to try hard) to write down everything I eat during the day here on my blog. So here goes for the day so far....

I have had:

• 1 cup of coffee with splenda and creamo
• no breakfast (I know, that's bad, but I have to admit it!)
• Greek style salad (green onions, tomatoes, green peppers, low calorie kraft vinagrette) and baked chicken (no oil, no seasoning, just baked as is)
• I will be having a granny smith apple also.
• For a snack later I will be having baby carrots.
• Dinner as of yet is undecided, as we may be having company over. I will post dinner tomorrow.

I am not going to be living by the scale this time. I found during my last program, that I spent so much time stressing about weigh-ins etc, that I couldn't enjoy my life as it was. MY LIFE! So, I will begin by eating right once again. Next, I am now working a lot of dayshifts for the summer, so I will be more active in my job, which should empower me to be more active at home. So far, I believe that it is working. My home is clean, baking has been done, and my garden is tended. As for exercise, I have joined another bootcamp with my previous trainer, Leo. I have only attended once this week, as my hip has hurt a great deal since the first day (monday), and am anxiously awaiting recovery. I'm hoping that a steady regime of glucosamine and ice will help the situation so I will be healed for next week.

A final word to anyone who knows of anyone else who is a larger size. I have been actively getting rid of my clothes. I have been selling off my clothing and scrubs for $5 each piece. Sizes available range between 1x and 3x, most scrubs are 2x. If you know of anyone who would like to look at or purchase some nice clothes that I can no longer use, it would be greatly appreciated by me if you would pass it along. Any money that I earn is going to purchase a Nintendo Wii, so I can use the Wii fit here in my living room. (For anyone that knows me well enough, knows that I enjoy playing games, and I enjoy beating that game! So a Wii fit seems like a good match for me.) I'm sure everyone knows how expensive that system is to purchase, so I'm attempting to raise the money by selling off my clothes from when I was heavier, so I can actively get thinner and more healthy! Also, anyone that knows US, would know that as my husband has epilepsy, this game system would not be used to play actual sit-down video games. This is for the Wii fit ONLY.

Anyway, as I have someone on their way over as we speak to purchase some clothing items, I must end my blog for today. Stay tuned for more menu-ing etc tomorrow. lol!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, which for me is a bittersweet holiday. I can celebrate for my Mother, the greatest Mother I know. She is my strength, my heart, my best friend. We didn't always have a good relationship, in fact for a time we had a horrible relationship, but it was my fault. She bore my wickedness, my swearing, my fighting, my screaming, my disobedience; and she still loved me. Without her I would be lost, because she has always helped me find my way. For my Mother: I love you Mom, more than ever, and I will even more tomorrow.

I said today was bittersweet, I suppose I should explain. Today marks my day of ultimate jealousy. My friends are all mothers. My sister-in-law is a mother. I am nothing. I may never be a mother, and it breaks my heart a little every day, but today is the day when I feel the most forlorn, because it shouts out loud what I may never be; a mother. I'm so happy for everyone else that gets to celebrate this day, to celebrate that they are strong, loving, powerful women with happy healthy children.... But deep down for me, I will be sad and suffer in silence, and I will be happy when this day is over, and I can forget what I may never be.

The many sides of me

Well first things first, I lied, I didn't post as I said I would, I'm sorry, moving on. lol

I need to post in my blog more often, and not just for weight loss journey stuff. I have a lot going on in my mind from day to day, and a lot going on in my life, and I think it will be therapeutic for me to write it down. I might not write consistently, but I'm going to try. First I will say a word or two on my weight loss. To date I have now lost 40.5 lbs, and am down to a size 16 from a 22. Yay me! I'm not satisfied, but I'm still working on it so we will see what happens.

Next I want to point out, that for the first time in my life I'm being true to myself. I don't wear what people want me to wear, I don't do what people want me to do, and I don't act the way people want me to act. Bryce and I now own our first home, and we are happily decorating and renovating it exactly the way we want. It has nothing to do with trends or fads or what other people think it should look like, it's got everything to do with what makes us happy and what makes us comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I've tried on more than a few hats in my life, seeing what fit best for me. I was once really an outcast and didn't fit anywhere, so I tried being a little bit punky (and failed miserably), I tried being goth and apathetic (also failed miserably), I played soccer for awhile and tried out the jock type role (which REALLY didn't last), I went preppy after that, and then went hardcore redneck country bumpkin. What a mix huh? I have finally settled into a role all my own. I am a country girl at heart, but I no longer go hunting and skin/butcher animals. I do listen to country music, but mostly just the new stuff. I can take care of myself and others pretty well, but I still need the love of my family and my husband every day.

I don't proclaim to be perfect, or even close for that matter; but I'm happy. I'm pretty near to where I want to be in my life right now. There are naturally a few things missing, but there always will be I imagine. But I have a career that I love, a home that I love, and a husband I desperately adore. I have friends I couldn't live without, and a family that is without a doubt my rock in this sea of chaos.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't found my stable ground, if I hadn't found MY place in my own life. I see others sometimes that still don't have a grasp on who they are and what they stand for, and I wonder what life has in store for them. I know some are meant to be rolling stones, moving from one idea and though to another, but eventually even a rolling stone finds it's resting place.

Today my mind is jumping from one thing to the next, and I can't find something solid to grasp onto. It seems like I have so much going on, that I have no time to rest and enjoy what I have. If I'm not going to the gym, preparing daily meals, getting in my cardio, cleaning the house, fixing up the house, doing laundry, talking to family or spending time with friends, I have very little time to just sit and enjoy the quiet and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe that should be my goal for my next days off. Take an entire day just for me to sort things out in my mind, and get some well deserved mental R & R. Does anyone else feel this way?? Am I the only one to feel like my life is running away without me?

The end of chapter 1...

Well here I am and I have officially completed Nanaimo's Biggest Loser. I started at 263.5 lbs, with an amazing 112.3 lbs of body fat to lose. I was 42.7% body fat, which is insane. My measurements were as follows in inches:

Chest - 50
Waist - 49
Hips - 51
Arms - 16.5
Legs - 30
Calves - 18

Once upon a time I had a lovely hourglass figure. I was a plus size, but I had an hourglass figure. That shape 3 months ago was completely gone. I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely making headway.

I have been pushed, bruised, exhausted and run completely ragged, but it has been worth it. So much so that I have signed up for The Last 20 Pounds Bootcamp. Once again I will be tortured and most days totally exhausted, but in the end I truly believe I will be in the best physical condition I have ever been in.

As of today, my stats have changed. I am down to 229 lbs. I have lost 34.5 pounds on the scale. I now have 58.3 lbs of body fat to lose. Almost half of what I was starting with. My percentage of body fat has gone down significantly, to 25.4% body fat. I have lost a grand total to date, of 54 pounds of body fat. 54 POUNDS! That's insane! And, to make me even happier, my water weight has started to come off. Yay! I'm due for another 20 lbs of water weight to just fall off. According to Joanna it should come off quite quickly, so I'm very much looking forward to that.
My new measurements don't seem that different, but you have to remember that the difference is in INCHES.

Chest - 46 (down 4 inches)
Waist - 43 (down 6 inches)
Hips - 48.5 (down 2.5 inches)
Arms - 13.5 (down 3 inches each arm)
Legs - 26.75 (down 3.25 inches)
Calves - 17 (down 1 inch)

So altogether I have lost 19.75 inches off my body. I have lost 54 lbs of fat, 19.75 inches, and 1 1/2 pant sizes. (hehe I had to add the last one) I've also gone down 2 underwear sizes, and 2 shirt sizes. (from 3x to 1x)

So, I will continue to post through my next program, and I will try to post pictures if we actually get them. The before pictures wound up being "corrupted" on the photographer's computer, so we most likely will never receive them. Sad? Definitely. But there's nothing to really be done about it. Hopefully I'll be able to purchase myself a hot outfit and post pictures of how I look now... and hopefully that will be enough for you all. lol if it's not, I'm sorry, but I really can't help that! Anyways, thanks for reading and sharing my journey with me, and stayed tuned for the next chapter in my weight loss story! Love you all!

Bad Blogger!! BAD!!

lol! I guess I lied on my last post, which means I haven't posted since. hahaha! That's ok though, I've had a couple of crazy weeks so I'm willing to forgive myself. I can't really change if you will or not, but I guess that would be up to you! Well, 3 weeks ago, I weighed in and lost 6.5 lbs in one week. However, I was violently ill the week before, so honestly I wasn't that excited about my loss. I knew I'd pay for it later, and I did. I lost 0 lbs the following week. Surprise surprise! But that's ok, because it keeps with my average of 3 lbs per week. I kind of like having an average, it makes my losses dependable. Last week I lost a total of 4 lbs, which brought my grand total up to 30.5 lbs lost! And one of the best parts is, that I have one more weigh in to go!

Sad news is, I didn't win. I didn't even place in the top 20... but you know what?? That's ok. I feel like I've won. I've lost more weight than I ever have before in my life, and I did it properly. I've accomplished something I never have before, so that makes me feel very accomplished and satisfied. But not too much ;) In fact I've signed up for the Last 20 Pounds Bootcamp, which is the next installation in the Biggest Loser Bootcamps. I will try to post a little more frequently with this bootcamp, as I have no doubt that this one is going to be quite a bit more difficult and straining.

A couple of weeks back, I had a bit of a rough patch. After I recovered from my stomach flu, I lost all ambition and drive to continue. I didn't want to go to the gym anymore, I didn't want to do diet plans and scheduled meals, I didn't want to give up any more of my time to this program. I was stressed, I was stuck, and I was unhappy. I think I just lost the drive that I had continuously going from the beginning. I had almost a week off of the gym and work, and my body and brain decided that it liked the time off. So, after a week of grumping and groaning, I managed to get my gym mojo back. Which then allowed for my lovely loss of 4 lbs this past week.

I really should have posted all this stuff earlier as it had happened, but for some reason I think I just needed to sort through everything in my head, before writing it all out on my blog. So again I apologize for the lack of posting, but I think I have everything sorted out at this point. We're almost done, and I couldn't be happier! But at the same time I look forward to some even bigger losses in my next program!

Long time no blog!

lol alright alright, I know I haven't posted lately. I'm aware, I'm working on it. Thx. :P I didn't post last week, because it wasn't a very good week for me. And really, I should've posted, because it probably would've made me feel better. Last week I gained a pound. I did NOT take it very well. I know that I'd been working a lot of nights, I know that I've been stressed, and I know I was due for my aunt flo, but I really didn't want to make excuses to myself for why I gained instead of lost. THAT is why it was so hard. I wanted to be realistic about it, but I also didn't want to make excuses. So I was stuck in proverbial weight-loss limbo, feeling bad, for feeling bad, for doing bad. Confused?? Yeah, I was too.

ANYWAYS, onto THIS week! I was finally blessed with my aunt flo (yay right?) ONLY 4 days late, but it finally happened so the floodgates of water retention released and my own personal Hoover Dam let go to allow for a 3.5 pound loss this week! I only care when I'm late when it could affect my weigh in. It's funny how just overnight the water leaves the body after your cycle starts. But thank god for it, or I'd be suffering through another week of disappointment. So, with that 3.5 lb loss, my total weight loss hits a fantastic 20 pounds! Finally! 2 months and 20 pounds! So in theory, by the end of the 3rd month, I should be at a simply fantabulous 30 pounds... I hope. lol we'll have to wait and see!

Also, I got pinched again today! Losses everywhere except in my tricep, I actually gained on that, but the trainer told me that 1 mm is really nothing, and it's probably just water, especially considering that I had considerable loss everywhere else. So, this month I lost an additional 13.69 pounds of body fat, bringing my overall total to 46.68 pounds of body fat lost! I've lost a 4 year old! Nearly 50 lbs of total body fat GONE, and I worked my ass off for every little bit. Literally. My body is starting to feel like my body, not me inside a heavy sack. My husband is defenitely appreciating my new shape, as I can never seem to get his hands off my butt. I'm not complaining, I just find it cute. ;) When I look in the mirror I can tell that my "back fat" is nearly completely gone, my abdomen is flatter, and I'm finding a whole new appreciation for my legs. I had to buy new underwear yesterday. Not because my gonch is all threadbare and disgusting. Oh no. Because my underwear kept sliding down off my ass and disappearing into the baggy depths of my pants. I spent almost all of boxing on friday pulling up my workout pants and underwear. Talk about counterproductive. I should be boxing and sweating and hurting, but instead I suffered from constant wardrobe malfunction! So, a trip to Walmart yesterday yielded 6 new pairs of underpants (and I'm proud to say the first time in YEARS that they didn't come from the plus section) and a new pair of workout pants that (thank goodness) didn't slide down off my butt today. I feel more shapely, and more comfortable. And so I should, my body is smaller all over. Well almost. My chest size hasn't changed a single centimetre this entire time. So now I'm slimmer, but my boobs remain gigantic. So, if you see me all hunched over and can't stand up, please lend a girl a hand and help me straighten back up. lol

Anyhoo, that's the state of me and my fat loss, and all that is accompanying it. I "promise" to post again this week. Really! I promise!

Addiction; it isn't just for drugs and alcohol

Haha, well maybe not fear, maybe just a little apprehensive. It's been such a crazy couple of weeks, with trying to find a house to purchase that fits our current and future needs, trying to actually relax for a change, but still trying to get all scheduled workout times in as well as eat according to the menu plan with no money. Yay! I'm sooo happy I get paid tomorrow, or I'm afraid I'd lose my sanity completely. I'm extremely glad I get to box tomorrow, as it's my favorite workout, and it really relieves a lot of stress. If there's any of you out there who has stress and HASN'T tried boxing yet, I really suggest you try it. Seriously. You don't have to be good, you just have to give it all you've got in each punch. Soooo worth it. It's been such a wild and crazy week that I'm a little nervous for my weigh in on Sunday. I just can't help but wonder, will my extreme fatigue, my lack of precise menu-following and my ridiculous house-hunting stress have any bearing on my weigh in? I don't want it to, but I'm afraid as it's just becoming friday that I really don't have much of a choice in the matter. I've tried to include good food choices on the days where the menu doesn't line up, I've tried to accomodate the correct amount of fibre and protein, and cut back on my carb intake.... but then I have days like today, where because I was out (thankfully I remembered my protein powder) I had to have my protein shake with half water, half 2% milk. Milk. The first actual dairy I've had since the second of January. I feel soooo guilty. Also, I was making cupcakes with my best friend, (which I DIDN'T eat any of, I swear to GOD! I sure wanted to, oh yes y0u bet I did) but upon icing the cupcakes, a glob hit my finger, and I licked it off. I didn't even realize that I had done it, until it was too late. OMG. A big blob of chocolatey, buttery, sugary goodness, completely f#$&ing up my whole day. Great. Lovely. Just what I needed 2 1/2 days before weigh in. Milk, and freaking icing. Oh, and I had tea with my friend as well, so I had a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of milk in my tea. I've tried to be so good, but it seems like today just didn't go well. I really hope I don't pay for it later. Can a half teaspoon of icing, a cup of milk and a teaspoon of sugar really affect my weigh in?? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. But I sure as hell know I didn't get fat over night. It was a gradual thing, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. Perhaps that's the overall fear. That now I've come this far, I'll have a taste of something yummy, and then completely lose control?? That maybe I'll just fall back into my bingeing ways just as I used to be? Food is my addiction, and I'm horrified that I'll eat something unhealthy, and wind up even heavier than before, because I have zero self control. You see, food addiction is so difficult, because unlike drugs and alcohol addiction, you have to eat. You don't need drugs to live, you don't need alcohol to live, in fact you can avoid those by just not frequenting places that sell/supply such items. But food, you need to eat in order to live. You can't say, "yep, I've sworn off food, no more eating for me" because you MUST eat. Conquering food addiction is being able to say "that's enough, I've eaten and I'm satisfied, I don't NEED any more". It's a hard line to define, because when you want it, you always feel like you NEED more. Even when you're full and ready to burst, you feel that need, that craving for more. It's like that feeling you get when you're eating chinese food. You're about to explode but you'll ram one more mouthful down your throat because you want it soooo badly. Only with food addiction, you cross that line with everything you eat. One cookie? nah, you won't feel "good" until the whole box is gone. (and I use the term "good" lightly, because in the end, you really don't feel good about anything.) You feel fat, worthless, ugly and horrible, but instead of hopping on the treadmill or elliptical, instead of going out for a run or hitting the gym, you go back to the FRIDGE and find something else to ease the pain. That was my life for too many years, crying and eating. Eating and crying. Day in, day out. Grade school was my enemy, and food was my weapon. I lost, and I lost bad. I wasn't popular, I wasn't even liked. Kids loved to make fun of me and tease me, and it worked. They knew it worked, because they saw me cry, they saw me get upset. So I'd go home, cry, and eat. The bigger I got, the more they teased, the more I cried and ate. That's something that gets me through each weigh in; next year is my ten year reunion. I will be thinner, I am happy, I am loved, and I didn't need them. Those nasty bitchy girls and boys that made my life hell; they can rot, because I didn't need them at all. They can see me happy, they can see me feeling good about myself, and they can see it all from the back of my finely toned ass because they will all be in my dust.

Come on weigh-in, bring it on. I dare ya.

I got pinched!

Well this evening I went to Fitness Edge with Chelsea, and got pinched. For those who don't know what that means, it means I had my BMI done again. They pinch your fat with these kind of sharp plastic measuring tools, which measures (through simple math) how much body fat you have. When I first had my BMI done, my total pounds of body fat was 112.3 lbs. As of today, I'm down to 79.1 lbs of fat, which means I've lost a grand total of 33.2 lbs of fat!! Which is insane! It doesn't totally make sense to me, because I've only lost 13 lbs so far, but Joanna tried to explain that even though I've only lost 13 lbs, I have lost 33.2 lbs of fat and the weight that is still there (minus the 13 lbs) is actually water weight, which will come off in a month or two. My percentage of body fat has gone down from 42.7% to 31.5%. Joanna suspects that I will be one of the biggest losers so far, if not the biggest loser! Which is pretty awesome I think... but it's only day one of measuring, and I don't know how many people got measured earlier today... We'll see, I still feel pretty good about it, even if I'm not the best, I already feel like I've won! I wish I understood it all a little more, since it is pretty confusing and all. But Joanna has been doing this a long time, so I really feel like I trust that she's not just trying to keep me motivated, that there really are results happening with my body. God I hope so, I didn't sign up for this to wind up disappointed! Anyways that's the state of my little world right now, so far the pain has been worth it, and now I'm really excited to see what the following months will bring!

Week 5

well here I am at the beginning of week 5, and I've had my weigh in. As of today, I have lost 13 lbs! I lost 5 whole pounds this week! That's just the boost I needed, and I really needed it before the workout I had today, because I'm soooo dead... they just destroyed us tonight, and we must have looked wrecked because by the time we were at our last station, the trainer took it pretty easy on us. I really actually thought I was going to throw up this time. Up until about 15 minutes ago actually. But I've made it this far, and with renewed enthusiasm I will continue! I'll post more when I'm more awake, thank heavens for a supportive husband willing to make dinner!

Week 4 starts NOW!

Well it seems I'm not as good about posting to my blog as I thought I would be, but I suppose I also have a full-ish schedule. I had my weigh in. And once again, I was a little disappointed. I only lost 1.5 lbs this week, which is ok I suppose because at least I didn't gain, and every pound counts. But I have noticed that as the program has gone on, that I've deviated from the menu plan. I'm still eating within the "rules" but I'm not often following the menu for the day. So, with this in mind I'm now getting back on track. I'll eat the tuna, the squash and the fish, just so I can get closer to my weight loss goal at the speed I want. lol well maybe not the speed I want, but at a quicker pace. Hopefully I'll get through this week on track and it will show at my next weigh in.

I have started to bring some of my support team with me on my sunday group workout days. (It turns out that they encourage this, so I was totally on board!) Chelsey and Heather came with me this week, and it was so awesome that they were there. It really made me feel like they were totally there for me, and supporting me 100%. Also they are a blast to be around so it defenitely made the whole day more fun. I think it even made it easier for me, because normally I'm going it alone and trying to push through everything on my own, so just knowing they were there, kind of gave me an inner strength, which I really believe helped a lot.

I'm looking forward to my workout today, because as of today the workouts are changing, which is kind of exciting. I have to admit I am a little worried though, that this is week 4 and I haven't lost enough weight yet. Part of me knows that even if I only lose 10 pounds a month, that in 10 months I could lose 100 lbs... But the other part of me wants to be under the 200 mark when this program is done. I might be a tad unrealistic, but it's a hope and a dream that I have, to someday soon be healthy and fit, even if it's healthy and fit at 180lbs. Sometimes I see pictures of me in my last 2 years of high school. I graduated at 214lbs. And you know, I thought I looked pretty ok... If I could get at least to that before the program ended, I'd be over the moon. Because then I would join the next bootcamp (the Last 20 pounds Bootcamp) and get under the 200 mark for the first time in over 10 years. I know I can do it, I'm making myself get through it because I have to. But as I've mentioned before I'm just impatient. But I'm also a little afraid... I'm afraid that after all I've been through with my weight, with diets and everything else, that this won't work. That once again, I will fail because it just won't work for me. Things have a tendency to do that in my life. It's a curse that my family has, if anything could go wrong, it will, plus a little extra. We've never had it easy, and we were ridiculed for it. We couldn't afford fancy clothes, or ponies, or super cool toys, or to go on big fancy vacations every year, so we weren't cool. Add a little obesity into the mix, and us 3 kids were screwed for our k-12 lives. My parents worked damn hard for everything little thing that we got, and for the most part we were grateful. Naturally, we were kids and didn't understand money and why we couldn't have what everyone else had... But looking back on it, we had what we needed and that's what counts. Also to know that my parents practically killed themselves to give us every little luxury they could afford, breaks my heart, because I don't think I appreciated it enough... Anyways enough of that little tangent... The point is I'm going to do this whole thing all the way because if I don't, I won't be able to provide as much as I can to my family. I won't be able to be active, I won't be able to play with the kids I plan to have, I won't be able to live long enough to see grandchildren. That's one of the things that keeps me going, be able to provide for and care for the family I've yet to have. Kind of funny, that you're willing to change your whole life, for people that don't even exist yet...

It's all because of you

I've been so wrapped up in me me me through this whole weight loss journey, that I've completely forgotten to thank the person responsible for it all. Without this person, I can't imagine where I'd be today. In the past 4 years since we met, you've helped me graduate college and get a job, quit smoking, get married, hopefully soon buy a home, to lose the weight that's plagued me my whole life, and above all, you've helped me to be what I've always wanted to be; happy. Granted, there are times when you drive me crazy, like when you leave the cupboard doors open, don't sweep or vaccuum, or when you leave beer cans all over... but you know, it's a big part of why I love you. Naturally I'm referring to my husband Bryce. I couldn't be where I am now without him with me. I honestly don't think I would even be the same person. You give me the confidence for me to be myself, that being a little off my rocker makes me funny, that even though I carry excess weight, I'm still beautiful. When you're with me, I feel like we can accomplish anything, just as long as we are together.

For those that know me, and know me well, you know that I am 2 things. I am a procrastinator. Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow? lol I really never thought I would be in a program like this, but if it wasn't for my husband telling me, that if it's what I really want, I should go for it. We'll find the money, we'll make the time, we'll deal with the change of lifestyle, we'll be fine. I'll never forget that conversation we had the night before I signed up, it changed my life. The second thing that makes me "me", is I'm impatient. That one screams LOUDLY from the rooftops! I know I'm impatient, I want results and I want them NOW!! Bryce may have gotten me to this point, but he's the one that keeps me going. I've already had days where I'm exhausted, worn out, sore and not wanting to make dinner or eat snacks or hit the gym for my cardio... Sometimes I feel like "what's the point? I'm not really getting results anyway..." and for me, I really feel like I'm not, and only because some sick twisted part of my brain tells me that I should lose all 100 pounds over night. Just wake up and POOF! All gone! I know it's impossible, but when I get into those funky moods, it doesn't matter what you tell me. Bryce keeps me level, he keeps me grounded. He reminds me of why I'm doing this, it's not for immediate results, it's for my health, so I'll be there with him as we grow older, so I don't die prematurely from diabetes and heart disease. Whenever I want to quit because my weigh ins are low, or my muscles or sore, or my body is tired, I just think about him. I think about the family we want to have some day, and how it would affect them all if something happened to me. It's not all about me anymore, it's about the people I love.

So here's a great big blog "Thank You", to my wonderful, loving, caring husband. Without you I'd be lost, without you part of me would be empty.

I love you honeybear.

Getting Harder

Well it's the middle of week 3, and it's getting a lot harder. Not just the workouts, but the lifestyle. It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and hit the gym. It's getting harder to follow the diet regime as it's so time consuming on a shift work schedule. But yes, it's defenitely getting harder on my body. It took me about 15 minutes to get out of bed this morning because my body was so stiff. From lifting weights my shoulders feel tight and achy, my one hip feels nearly out of joint, and my legs... well they just haven't stopped hurting yet. I have no idea how I'm going to keep up at this pace. I mean, I've made it almost a full 3 weeks, which is awesome, but I still have 9 more to go. I'm not seeing the results that I want, and in exchange I'm constantly sore and tired. How do people do this to themselves regularily? All the super fit fitness buffs get up as early as 430 just so they can fit in a workout or a run and healthy eating! People weren't meant to live like this! *sigh* maybe it's just because of my cycle coming up, maybe it's just because I'm tired or whatever... But I already feel defeated and it's hardly begun. I can't quit, I won't. But I'll be some choked if I finish and have hardly lost any weight or inches.

I'll get over it I guess, "tomorrow is another day" and so on, I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless and lost, there is no workout or diet plan for that.

wow

seriously, wow. I didn't realize how many people I know, count on and look for my blog posts to see how I'm doing! It makes me feel good because I know people care enough about me, to join me on this journey. Which is pretty brave, considering I think I look like hell most of the day and am constantly dripping sweat. I have no doubt that I stink etc, but Bryce is hanging in there like a champion. He even made dinner while I was at my workout yesterday! It was a pretty rough one last night, but I made it through it. And it also made for a very exhausting night shift. Today we made it through our entire session with almost no breaks! We did 3 sets of everything with no breaks in between sets! I had some little mini-collapse sessions in between due to pain or exhaustion, but I jumped right back in there as soon as I could. No pain no gain right? But I wasn't about to herniate or something. lol Today is the first day in a couple that I actually really hurt. My hands hurt, my chest hurts (the muscle, don't panic), my legs STILL hurt (one day they might actually not hurt lol I hope) and now for something completely different, my butt hurts. And for once, it's not because I've been sitting around! wohoo!

My clothes are starting to fit better, and I've noticed I feel a lot less like a blob, and just more comfortable in general. When I startede this program, sitting wasn't comfortable, laying wasn't comfortable, standing wasn't comfortable, I couldn't sleep, and I hated myself. I've been sleeping A LOT better since we've started, and I'm confident that I'm actually getting enough rest, without overdoing it. Maybe I'll become a morning person after all?? lmao!! You never know!

Now the moment you've all been waiting for, my weigh-in results! Well, not as good as last week. I need to push harder still, but I know little by little I'll get there. I lost 2.5 lbs this week, which brings my total weight loss to 6 lbs. I'm much more interested however, in the BMI and inches measurement in 2 weeks. I can feel the muscle growing, I can feel the flab shrinking, so it'll be pretty cool to see exactly how many inches I've lost in total. Muscle weighs more than fat right? As long as I don't look like a muscle-bound tank at the end I'll be happy. The weight is one thing, but you can't put a price or a number on being healthy. I WON'T succumb to diabetes or heart disease, I WILL be able to get pregnant and have a family, and I WILL do whatever it takes to get my body in the best condition it's ever been in. I won't get myself down or depressed about minimal loss, at least it's loss, and I feel the difference!

Dread...

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in, and I'm terrified. I'm afraid that maybe I haven't lost any weight at all. I feel like I'm working hard while I'm working out, but afterwards I don't feel that burn anymore, I feel like I'm non-stop eating, and it's HAS to catch up with me at some time. I know I'm NOT cheating on the diet plan, I AM doing all the cardio that's asked of me... I really just fear that I'm not doing enough and for some reason maybe it won't work for me. How can you do everything "right" and have it still not work out? I have no idea, but I have never really been all that lucky, in fact just the opposite. Murphy's law has a home in my family history, I just hope that now I'm no longer a Franklin, that maybe that will change. I've worked so hard already, I just don't want to come to a stand still, not now that I've made the effort and am trying to do the right thing. For me, my family, my friends and my health. I need to lose the weight, I just hope it works.

feeling down

You ever had one of those days where you feel like you could just pack it in?? Give up on everything and just retire to a dark closet in the back room? Yeah... I'm soooo there. No particular reason why I guess, maybe it's because I just found out my workout team is in LAST PLACE for weight loss?? That someone else lost 11 POUNDS in one week?? It feels like no matter how hard I work, I'm not getting anywhere, and it's frustrating. I know that I've only been doing it for just over a week, and it's dumb for me to get all down about it... I just can't help it. I spend so much time trying to be positive and optimistic for everyone else, I guess I just leave none for myself. Also, I keep happening on post after post on facebook of people that are pregnant, 2010 is the year of the baby etc etc.... Not in my world, 2010 is the year of something alright, but I haven't quite figured out what. Maybe it's the year that I stop fussing about everyone else and start taking care of me. That's what this is all about right? For some reason I find it so easy to get down on myself, instead of being happy and proud of me. I always manage to find the negative when it comes to me and my life, instead of being typical optimistic positive Jackie, like I do for everyone else.

Is this normal?? Does everyone get in a funk when they don't see the results they want?? I can't give up, I won't... but sometimes it really makes me want to. Why is this so hard?? Not physically, I can handle the physical stressors, but what's going on in my mind is so much tougher. Maybe I'll feel better once I get my workout in today... get my adrenaline pumping etc so to speak. Ah well, when I'm feeling a bit better I'll post more.

Blah...

well I had my weigh-in, and it turns out my scale is wrong, so I only lost 3.5 lbs. Which is something, I mean, it's better than gaining, but I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. So, I had my wonderful husband hide our scale on me, so I won't be tempted to weigh myself in between weigh-ins. Hopefully, I'll still end up losing a bunch of weight in the end.

On another note, this horrendous gas pain I've been having is worse. So much so that I ended up leaving work yesterday after 2.5 hours. I spent the remainder of the day on the couch drinking hot tea. (My trainer told me hot water would help, so why not hot tea??) Long story short, it didn't help. The pain just kept coming. I know without a doubt that it's gas pain, because I can hear it, I can feel it moving. I just wish something would work to get rid of it! I'm thinking today I'm going to hit the walk-in clinic, maybe they have something more industrial strength to get rid of gas pain... who knows right? It's so debilitating, it's like you're just walking along, doing your thing, when all of a sudden BAM! I was getting nautious, flushed, dizzy.... my god you'd almost think appendicitis if it wasn't for the fact that I don't have an appendix! Hopefully today I'll get it sorted out and my life can return to normal. It's frustrating though, because I'm doing everything RIGHT. I'm eating healthy food, I'm exercising, sleeping, happy.... Why couldn't I have had these issues when I was eating junk?? Why does my body have a spazz when I'm doing what I should have been doing all along?? It just doesn't make sense! It's not fair! I mean, I understand that a sudden diet change to a high fibre diet is a lot to handle, but why should it affect the body this way?? If people knew about this, would they actually feel compelled to eat right? "You should eat right, but by the way, when you do it causes you to be bowled over with stomach pain.... but eat right anyway!" lol ridiculous.

I'm stiff and sore today from our exercise in the field yesterday. My inner thighs are killing me, and my back is a little stiff. We were doing some exercises that my body sure isn't used to! But I'm sure I will get used to it all eventually. We'll just have to wait and see.

I need to learn some patience. I want to lose all this weight right here, right now. *sigh* 3 months seems so long, when you know the end result is A.) a mystery and B.) what you've wanted your whole life. It's weird.

Sunday...

Well today is sunday, which means I get to weigh in, and we get our super team work out. Yay? lol I have to admit, I feel soooo guilty for not working out yesterday. The reason I didn't was because I was told not to. That's right, TOLD not to... Leo says that we can actually over-train, so our bodies need time to recouperate. Well even though I was told not to, and really LOVED sleeping in, I feel guilty for it. I feel like when I get weighed in today, that my results won't be what I want, because I didn't work out yesterday. Why do I do this to myself?? Why do I blame myself for such ridiculous things? Honestly! I just don't understand myself.

On top of all of the guilt, I have pain. oh yes, I have pain. And not the kind of "ouchie my muscles hurt" kind of pain, because I'd welcome that. From all this lovely high fibre food such as brocolli, carrots, all bran, rye bread, whole wheat pasta, rice, etc... I have developed the most debilitating case of GAS PAIN!! It is so embarassing because now I'm Super-Flatulent Gas-Powered Work-out Woman!! I'm my own frigging super hero, with the ability to fly with air coming out my butt. Super. But I could handle being air-borne if it wasn't for the pain. That upper abdominal cramping that makes you feel like your stomach is sticking way out past your toes, and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. Yeah that's the pain. So, I ended up having to hit the grocery store and buy some Gas-X. Let me tell you, I was wayyyy more embarassed about that than I thought I would be. It was kind of mixed in with the rest of the groceries we had to purchase, so it wasn't sooo bad, but it was bad enough. I think I was more humiliated buying Gas-X, than any other item. I think I'd even rather buy Monistat than the Gas-X. It's like "yes I feminine troubles, but heaven forbid I have flatulence!" It reminds me of a line I heard a long time ago on the comedy network. "As women we don't snore, belch or pass wind; if we didn't bitch we'd explode!" lol I love that line.

Anyway enough about my personal methane factory, let's get back to the weight issue. Because I want to beat it to death before it's all gone! I admit I have still been checking my weight, and was happy yesterday to see that I had now lost 6.5 lbs, but when I checked my weight this morning, I was disappointed to see that I hadn't lost anymore. And I've been weighing myself prior to eating, so now I've had a huge breakfast and that's going to make it worse. Even though I'm only a week in, I feel like I should be doing better, which is silly of course, but I want so badly this time to succeed. I don't want to go through all this pain and frustration, all this routine changing sweating and burning to only lose a few pounds. I'm killing myself at the gym everyday, trying to push myself to the limit and then go to work afterwards, therefore I feel like the weight should be pouring off. Which is also silly, because 5-6 lbs in one week is amazing. I know this, you know this. Normal weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week, so 5-6 lbs is incredible. I think for some reason I just want to be the best. I can't be the best at much of anything, in fact not really anything, but I have the weight to lose and the ambition to do it, so I don't just want to lose the weight, I want to WIN. God I must sound crazy. Am I crazy?? Am I taking this weight loss thing too far or am I just getting myself down?

The Beginning of the End

Well here I am, I've done it. I've created a blog. It took me so long to figure out exactly what a blog is, but here I am now and typing out my life for the world to see. Surreal. Sorta....

Well, to start things off let's explain my title. I'm a recently married woman (not even 2 months) and am working as a care aide in a local lodge. I've been overweight my entire life (well not quite, it all started when I was about 8 or 9), when I was married I weighed *gasp* 254 lbs. I can't believe I'm sharing that, but I'll explain why later. We went on honeymoon, came home, had christmas, and finally tipped the scales at a WHOPPING 263 pounds. OH. MY. GOD. I have never been so heavy, feel so ugly and uncomfortable, and hate myself SO MUCH.

BUT, the end is near! As of January 3rd I joined a gym. Not just any gym, but a whole lifestyle changing program. It is the local version of The Biggest Loser. So far I've worked out 5 days in a row, changed my eating habits and have been given precious meal plans which I'm determined to follow as much as possible. There will be some allowances of course, because some things I don't like so I swap out for example: Tuna<->Chicken, Potatoes<->Yams etc. It actually hasn't been all that difficult to change my eating habits, since now I'm eating MORE than I normally do (including my most hated meal, breakfast), and a lot of the foods in the meal plan are foods I like.

I must confess, I weighed myself yesterday (I understand we're not supposed to before our scheduled weigh-ins) and I've already lost 5 POUNDS!!! I'm ecstatic! The program works and I feel so much better already. How could I not stick with it?? It's 12 weeks and I'm almost done the first week. just 11 more to go! I have to admit though, I'm excited for our "day of rest" tomorrow, I've been DYING to sleep in!

So, this blog is to come to terms with myself and what I'm going through. I don't expect it to be easy, in fact mentally, it's already been very challenging. I have to look at myself in the mirror and really know what it is that I'm doing to myself, and take active steps to change. At first, I was very depressed to see how much I weighed, and how high my BMI is, and what my total inches are on my body. But I keep remembering the words Joanne told me my very first day in the gym, "it's not depressing... It's not your fault you're fat, but you are responsible for it. It doesn't matter what happened before, or how you got here. What's important, is that you're here, and you're doing something about it." One step at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time, by summer I will be healthier. I won't be skinny or a supermodel or even in a two piece bathing suit, but I will be HEALTHY. I need to be healthy for my family, my new husband, and for the children I hope to have. I need to be healthy for ME, because without me, I wouldn't be.

This is the beginning, the beginning of the end of a lifelong battle, and dammit I'm going to WIN!!