Haha, well maybe not fear, maybe just a little apprehensive. It's been such a crazy couple of weeks, with trying to find a house to purchase that fits our current and future needs, trying to actually relax for a change, but still trying to get all scheduled workout times in as well as eat according to the menu plan with no money. Yay! I'm sooo happy I get paid tomorrow, or I'm afraid I'd lose my sanity completely. I'm extremely glad I get to box tomorrow, as it's my favorite workout, and it really relieves a lot of stress. If there's any of you out there who has stress and HASN'T tried boxing yet, I really suggest you try it. Seriously. You don't have to be good, you just have to give it all you've got in each punch. Soooo worth it. It's been such a wild and crazy week that I'm a little nervous for my weigh in on Sunday. I just can't help but wonder, will my extreme fatigue, my lack of precise menu-following and my ridiculous house-hunting stress have any bearing on my weigh in? I don't want it to, but I'm afraid as it's just becoming friday that I really don't have much of a choice in the matter. I've tried to include good food choices on the days where the menu doesn't line up, I've tried to accomodate the correct amount of fibre and protein, and cut back on my carb intake.... but then I have days like today, where because I was out (thankfully I remembered my protein powder) I had to have my protein shake with half water, half 2% milk. Milk. The first actual dairy I've had since the second of January. I feel soooo guilty. Also, I was making cupcakes with my best friend, (which I DIDN'T eat any of, I swear to GOD! I sure wanted to, oh yes y0u bet I did) but upon icing the cupcakes, a glob hit my finger, and I licked it off. I didn't even realize that I had done it, until it was too late. OMG. A big blob of chocolatey, buttery, sugary goodness, completely f#$&ing up my whole day. Great. Lovely. Just what I needed 2 1/2 days before weigh in. Milk, and freaking icing. Oh, and I had tea with my friend as well, so I had a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of milk in my tea. I've tried to be so good, but it seems like today just didn't go well. I really hope I don't pay for it later. Can a half teaspoon of icing, a cup of milk and a teaspoon of sugar really affect my weigh in?? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. But I sure as hell know I didn't get fat over night. It was a gradual thing, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. Perhaps that's the overall fear. That now I've come this far, I'll have a taste of something yummy, and then completely lose control?? That maybe I'll just fall back into my bingeing ways just as I used to be? Food is my addiction, and I'm horrified that I'll eat something unhealthy, and wind up even heavier than before, because I have zero self control. You see, food addiction is so difficult, because unlike drugs and alcohol addiction, you have to eat. You don't need drugs to live, you don't need alcohol to live, in fact you can avoid those by just not frequenting places that sell/supply such items. But food, you need to eat in order to live. You can't say, "yep, I've sworn off food, no more eating for me" because you MUST eat. Conquering food addiction is being able to say "that's enough, I've eaten and I'm satisfied, I don't NEED any more". It's a hard line to define, because when you want it, you always feel like you NEED more. Even when you're full and ready to burst, you feel that need, that craving for more. It's like that feeling you get when you're eating chinese food. You're about to explode but you'll ram one more mouthful down your throat because you want it soooo badly. Only with food addiction, you cross that line with everything you eat. One cookie? nah, you won't feel "good" until the whole box is gone. (and I use the term "good" lightly, because in the end, you really don't feel good about anything.) You feel fat, worthless, ugly and horrible, but instead of hopping on the treadmill or elliptical, instead of going out for a run or hitting the gym, you go back to the FRIDGE and find something else to ease the pain. That was my life for too many years, crying and eating. Eating and crying. Day in, day out. Grade school was my enemy, and food was my weapon. I lost, and I lost bad. I wasn't popular, I wasn't even liked. Kids loved to make fun of me and tease me, and it worked. They knew it worked, because they saw me cry, they saw me get upset. So I'd go home, cry, and eat. The bigger I got, the more they teased, the more I cried and ate. That's something that gets me through each weigh in; next year is my ten year reunion. I will be thinner, I am happy, I am loved, and I didn't need them. Those nasty bitchy girls and boys that made my life hell; they can rot, because I didn't need them at all. They can see me happy, they can see me feeling good about myself, and they can see it all from the back of my finely toned ass because they will all be in my dust.
Come on weigh-in, bring it on. I dare ya.
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