Week 5

well here I am at the beginning of week 5, and I've had my weigh in. As of today, I have lost 13 lbs! I lost 5 whole pounds this week! That's just the boost I needed, and I really needed it before the workout I had today, because I'm soooo dead... they just destroyed us tonight, and we must have looked wrecked because by the time we were at our last station, the trainer took it pretty easy on us. I really actually thought I was going to throw up this time. Up until about 15 minutes ago actually. But I've made it this far, and with renewed enthusiasm I will continue! I'll post more when I'm more awake, thank heavens for a supportive husband willing to make dinner!

Week 4 starts NOW!

Well it seems I'm not as good about posting to my blog as I thought I would be, but I suppose I also have a full-ish schedule. I had my weigh in. And once again, I was a little disappointed. I only lost 1.5 lbs this week, which is ok I suppose because at least I didn't gain, and every pound counts. But I have noticed that as the program has gone on, that I've deviated from the menu plan. I'm still eating within the "rules" but I'm not often following the menu for the day. So, with this in mind I'm now getting back on track. I'll eat the tuna, the squash and the fish, just so I can get closer to my weight loss goal at the speed I want. lol well maybe not the speed I want, but at a quicker pace. Hopefully I'll get through this week on track and it will show at my next weigh in.

I have started to bring some of my support team with me on my sunday group workout days. (It turns out that they encourage this, so I was totally on board!) Chelsey and Heather came with me this week, and it was so awesome that they were there. It really made me feel like they were totally there for me, and supporting me 100%. Also they are a blast to be around so it defenitely made the whole day more fun. I think it even made it easier for me, because normally I'm going it alone and trying to push through everything on my own, so just knowing they were there, kind of gave me an inner strength, which I really believe helped a lot.

I'm looking forward to my workout today, because as of today the workouts are changing, which is kind of exciting. I have to admit I am a little worried though, that this is week 4 and I haven't lost enough weight yet. Part of me knows that even if I only lose 10 pounds a month, that in 10 months I could lose 100 lbs... But the other part of me wants to be under the 200 mark when this program is done. I might be a tad unrealistic, but it's a hope and a dream that I have, to someday soon be healthy and fit, even if it's healthy and fit at 180lbs. Sometimes I see pictures of me in my last 2 years of high school. I graduated at 214lbs. And you know, I thought I looked pretty ok... If I could get at least to that before the program ended, I'd be over the moon. Because then I would join the next bootcamp (the Last 20 pounds Bootcamp) and get under the 200 mark for the first time in over 10 years. I know I can do it, I'm making myself get through it because I have to. But as I've mentioned before I'm just impatient. But I'm also a little afraid... I'm afraid that after all I've been through with my weight, with diets and everything else, that this won't work. That once again, I will fail because it just won't work for me. Things have a tendency to do that in my life. It's a curse that my family has, if anything could go wrong, it will, plus a little extra. We've never had it easy, and we were ridiculed for it. We couldn't afford fancy clothes, or ponies, or super cool toys, or to go on big fancy vacations every year, so we weren't cool. Add a little obesity into the mix, and us 3 kids were screwed for our k-12 lives. My parents worked damn hard for everything little thing that we got, and for the most part we were grateful. Naturally, we were kids and didn't understand money and why we couldn't have what everyone else had... But looking back on it, we had what we needed and that's what counts. Also to know that my parents practically killed themselves to give us every little luxury they could afford, breaks my heart, because I don't think I appreciated it enough... Anyways enough of that little tangent... The point is I'm going to do this whole thing all the way because if I don't, I won't be able to provide as much as I can to my family. I won't be able to be active, I won't be able to play with the kids I plan to have, I won't be able to live long enough to see grandchildren. That's one of the things that keeps me going, be able to provide for and care for the family I've yet to have. Kind of funny, that you're willing to change your whole life, for people that don't even exist yet...

It's all because of you

I've been so wrapped up in me me me through this whole weight loss journey, that I've completely forgotten to thank the person responsible for it all. Without this person, I can't imagine where I'd be today. In the past 4 years since we met, you've helped me graduate college and get a job, quit smoking, get married, hopefully soon buy a home, to lose the weight that's plagued me my whole life, and above all, you've helped me to be what I've always wanted to be; happy. Granted, there are times when you drive me crazy, like when you leave the cupboard doors open, don't sweep or vaccuum, or when you leave beer cans all over... but you know, it's a big part of why I love you. Naturally I'm referring to my husband Bryce. I couldn't be where I am now without him with me. I honestly don't think I would even be the same person. You give me the confidence for me to be myself, that being a little off my rocker makes me funny, that even though I carry excess weight, I'm still beautiful. When you're with me, I feel like we can accomplish anything, just as long as we are together.

For those that know me, and know me well, you know that I am 2 things. I am a procrastinator. Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow? lol I really never thought I would be in a program like this, but if it wasn't for my husband telling me, that if it's what I really want, I should go for it. We'll find the money, we'll make the time, we'll deal with the change of lifestyle, we'll be fine. I'll never forget that conversation we had the night before I signed up, it changed my life. The second thing that makes me "me", is I'm impatient. That one screams LOUDLY from the rooftops! I know I'm impatient, I want results and I want them NOW!! Bryce may have gotten me to this point, but he's the one that keeps me going. I've already had days where I'm exhausted, worn out, sore and not wanting to make dinner or eat snacks or hit the gym for my cardio... Sometimes I feel like "what's the point? I'm not really getting results anyway..." and for me, I really feel like I'm not, and only because some sick twisted part of my brain tells me that I should lose all 100 pounds over night. Just wake up and POOF! All gone! I know it's impossible, but when I get into those funky moods, it doesn't matter what you tell me. Bryce keeps me level, he keeps me grounded. He reminds me of why I'm doing this, it's not for immediate results, it's for my health, so I'll be there with him as we grow older, so I don't die prematurely from diabetes and heart disease. Whenever I want to quit because my weigh ins are low, or my muscles or sore, or my body is tired, I just think about him. I think about the family we want to have some day, and how it would affect them all if something happened to me. It's not all about me anymore, it's about the people I love.

So here's a great big blog "Thank You", to my wonderful, loving, caring husband. Without you I'd be lost, without you part of me would be empty.

I love you honeybear.

Getting Harder

Well it's the middle of week 3, and it's getting a lot harder. Not just the workouts, but the lifestyle. It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and hit the gym. It's getting harder to follow the diet regime as it's so time consuming on a shift work schedule. But yes, it's defenitely getting harder on my body. It took me about 15 minutes to get out of bed this morning because my body was so stiff. From lifting weights my shoulders feel tight and achy, my one hip feels nearly out of joint, and my legs... well they just haven't stopped hurting yet. I have no idea how I'm going to keep up at this pace. I mean, I've made it almost a full 3 weeks, which is awesome, but I still have 9 more to go. I'm not seeing the results that I want, and in exchange I'm constantly sore and tired. How do people do this to themselves regularily? All the super fit fitness buffs get up as early as 430 just so they can fit in a workout or a run and healthy eating! People weren't meant to live like this! *sigh* maybe it's just because of my cycle coming up, maybe it's just because I'm tired or whatever... But I already feel defeated and it's hardly begun. I can't quit, I won't. But I'll be some choked if I finish and have hardly lost any weight or inches.

I'll get over it I guess, "tomorrow is another day" and so on, I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless and lost, there is no workout or diet plan for that.

wow

seriously, wow. I didn't realize how many people I know, count on and look for my blog posts to see how I'm doing! It makes me feel good because I know people care enough about me, to join me on this journey. Which is pretty brave, considering I think I look like hell most of the day and am constantly dripping sweat. I have no doubt that I stink etc, but Bryce is hanging in there like a champion. He even made dinner while I was at my workout yesterday! It was a pretty rough one last night, but I made it through it. And it also made for a very exhausting night shift. Today we made it through our entire session with almost no breaks! We did 3 sets of everything with no breaks in between sets! I had some little mini-collapse sessions in between due to pain or exhaustion, but I jumped right back in there as soon as I could. No pain no gain right? But I wasn't about to herniate or something. lol Today is the first day in a couple that I actually really hurt. My hands hurt, my chest hurts (the muscle, don't panic), my legs STILL hurt (one day they might actually not hurt lol I hope) and now for something completely different, my butt hurts. And for once, it's not because I've been sitting around! wohoo!

My clothes are starting to fit better, and I've noticed I feel a lot less like a blob, and just more comfortable in general. When I startede this program, sitting wasn't comfortable, laying wasn't comfortable, standing wasn't comfortable, I couldn't sleep, and I hated myself. I've been sleeping A LOT better since we've started, and I'm confident that I'm actually getting enough rest, without overdoing it. Maybe I'll become a morning person after all?? lmao!! You never know!

Now the moment you've all been waiting for, my weigh-in results! Well, not as good as last week. I need to push harder still, but I know little by little I'll get there. I lost 2.5 lbs this week, which brings my total weight loss to 6 lbs. I'm much more interested however, in the BMI and inches measurement in 2 weeks. I can feel the muscle growing, I can feel the flab shrinking, so it'll be pretty cool to see exactly how many inches I've lost in total. Muscle weighs more than fat right? As long as I don't look like a muscle-bound tank at the end I'll be happy. The weight is one thing, but you can't put a price or a number on being healthy. I WON'T succumb to diabetes or heart disease, I WILL be able to get pregnant and have a family, and I WILL do whatever it takes to get my body in the best condition it's ever been in. I won't get myself down or depressed about minimal loss, at least it's loss, and I feel the difference!

Dread...

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in, and I'm terrified. I'm afraid that maybe I haven't lost any weight at all. I feel like I'm working hard while I'm working out, but afterwards I don't feel that burn anymore, I feel like I'm non-stop eating, and it's HAS to catch up with me at some time. I know I'm NOT cheating on the diet plan, I AM doing all the cardio that's asked of me... I really just fear that I'm not doing enough and for some reason maybe it won't work for me. How can you do everything "right" and have it still not work out? I have no idea, but I have never really been all that lucky, in fact just the opposite. Murphy's law has a home in my family history, I just hope that now I'm no longer a Franklin, that maybe that will change. I've worked so hard already, I just don't want to come to a stand still, not now that I've made the effort and am trying to do the right thing. For me, my family, my friends and my health. I need to lose the weight, I just hope it works.

feeling down

You ever had one of those days where you feel like you could just pack it in?? Give up on everything and just retire to a dark closet in the back room? Yeah... I'm soooo there. No particular reason why I guess, maybe it's because I just found out my workout team is in LAST PLACE for weight loss?? That someone else lost 11 POUNDS in one week?? It feels like no matter how hard I work, I'm not getting anywhere, and it's frustrating. I know that I've only been doing it for just over a week, and it's dumb for me to get all down about it... I just can't help it. I spend so much time trying to be positive and optimistic for everyone else, I guess I just leave none for myself. Also, I keep happening on post after post on facebook of people that are pregnant, 2010 is the year of the baby etc etc.... Not in my world, 2010 is the year of something alright, but I haven't quite figured out what. Maybe it's the year that I stop fussing about everyone else and start taking care of me. That's what this is all about right? For some reason I find it so easy to get down on myself, instead of being happy and proud of me. I always manage to find the negative when it comes to me and my life, instead of being typical optimistic positive Jackie, like I do for everyone else.

Is this normal?? Does everyone get in a funk when they don't see the results they want?? I can't give up, I won't... but sometimes it really makes me want to. Why is this so hard?? Not physically, I can handle the physical stressors, but what's going on in my mind is so much tougher. Maybe I'll feel better once I get my workout in today... get my adrenaline pumping etc so to speak. Ah well, when I'm feeling a bit better I'll post more.

Blah...

well I had my weigh-in, and it turns out my scale is wrong, so I only lost 3.5 lbs. Which is something, I mean, it's better than gaining, but I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. So, I had my wonderful husband hide our scale on me, so I won't be tempted to weigh myself in between weigh-ins. Hopefully, I'll still end up losing a bunch of weight in the end.

On another note, this horrendous gas pain I've been having is worse. So much so that I ended up leaving work yesterday after 2.5 hours. I spent the remainder of the day on the couch drinking hot tea. (My trainer told me hot water would help, so why not hot tea??) Long story short, it didn't help. The pain just kept coming. I know without a doubt that it's gas pain, because I can hear it, I can feel it moving. I just wish something would work to get rid of it! I'm thinking today I'm going to hit the walk-in clinic, maybe they have something more industrial strength to get rid of gas pain... who knows right? It's so debilitating, it's like you're just walking along, doing your thing, when all of a sudden BAM! I was getting nautious, flushed, dizzy.... my god you'd almost think appendicitis if it wasn't for the fact that I don't have an appendix! Hopefully today I'll get it sorted out and my life can return to normal. It's frustrating though, because I'm doing everything RIGHT. I'm eating healthy food, I'm exercising, sleeping, happy.... Why couldn't I have had these issues when I was eating junk?? Why does my body have a spazz when I'm doing what I should have been doing all along?? It just doesn't make sense! It's not fair! I mean, I understand that a sudden diet change to a high fibre diet is a lot to handle, but why should it affect the body this way?? If people knew about this, would they actually feel compelled to eat right? "You should eat right, but by the way, when you do it causes you to be bowled over with stomach pain.... but eat right anyway!" lol ridiculous.

I'm stiff and sore today from our exercise in the field yesterday. My inner thighs are killing me, and my back is a little stiff. We were doing some exercises that my body sure isn't used to! But I'm sure I will get used to it all eventually. We'll just have to wait and see.

I need to learn some patience. I want to lose all this weight right here, right now. *sigh* 3 months seems so long, when you know the end result is A.) a mystery and B.) what you've wanted your whole life. It's weird.

Sunday...

Well today is sunday, which means I get to weigh in, and we get our super team work out. Yay? lol I have to admit, I feel soooo guilty for not working out yesterday. The reason I didn't was because I was told not to. That's right, TOLD not to... Leo says that we can actually over-train, so our bodies need time to recouperate. Well even though I was told not to, and really LOVED sleeping in, I feel guilty for it. I feel like when I get weighed in today, that my results won't be what I want, because I didn't work out yesterday. Why do I do this to myself?? Why do I blame myself for such ridiculous things? Honestly! I just don't understand myself.

On top of all of the guilt, I have pain. oh yes, I have pain. And not the kind of "ouchie my muscles hurt" kind of pain, because I'd welcome that. From all this lovely high fibre food such as brocolli, carrots, all bran, rye bread, whole wheat pasta, rice, etc... I have developed the most debilitating case of GAS PAIN!! It is so embarassing because now I'm Super-Flatulent Gas-Powered Work-out Woman!! I'm my own frigging super hero, with the ability to fly with air coming out my butt. Super. But I could handle being air-borne if it wasn't for the pain. That upper abdominal cramping that makes you feel like your stomach is sticking way out past your toes, and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. Yeah that's the pain. So, I ended up having to hit the grocery store and buy some Gas-X. Let me tell you, I was wayyyy more embarassed about that than I thought I would be. It was kind of mixed in with the rest of the groceries we had to purchase, so it wasn't sooo bad, but it was bad enough. I think I was more humiliated buying Gas-X, than any other item. I think I'd even rather buy Monistat than the Gas-X. It's like "yes I feminine troubles, but heaven forbid I have flatulence!" It reminds me of a line I heard a long time ago on the comedy network. "As women we don't snore, belch or pass wind; if we didn't bitch we'd explode!" lol I love that line.

Anyway enough about my personal methane factory, let's get back to the weight issue. Because I want to beat it to death before it's all gone! I admit I have still been checking my weight, and was happy yesterday to see that I had now lost 6.5 lbs, but when I checked my weight this morning, I was disappointed to see that I hadn't lost anymore. And I've been weighing myself prior to eating, so now I've had a huge breakfast and that's going to make it worse. Even though I'm only a week in, I feel like I should be doing better, which is silly of course, but I want so badly this time to succeed. I don't want to go through all this pain and frustration, all this routine changing sweating and burning to only lose a few pounds. I'm killing myself at the gym everyday, trying to push myself to the limit and then go to work afterwards, therefore I feel like the weight should be pouring off. Which is also silly, because 5-6 lbs in one week is amazing. I know this, you know this. Normal weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week, so 5-6 lbs is incredible. I think for some reason I just want to be the best. I can't be the best at much of anything, in fact not really anything, but I have the weight to lose and the ambition to do it, so I don't just want to lose the weight, I want to WIN. God I must sound crazy. Am I crazy?? Am I taking this weight loss thing too far or am I just getting myself down?

The Beginning of the End

Well here I am, I've done it. I've created a blog. It took me so long to figure out exactly what a blog is, but here I am now and typing out my life for the world to see. Surreal. Sorta....

Well, to start things off let's explain my title. I'm a recently married woman (not even 2 months) and am working as a care aide in a local lodge. I've been overweight my entire life (well not quite, it all started when I was about 8 or 9), when I was married I weighed *gasp* 254 lbs. I can't believe I'm sharing that, but I'll explain why later. We went on honeymoon, came home, had christmas, and finally tipped the scales at a WHOPPING 263 pounds. OH. MY. GOD. I have never been so heavy, feel so ugly and uncomfortable, and hate myself SO MUCH.

BUT, the end is near! As of January 3rd I joined a gym. Not just any gym, but a whole lifestyle changing program. It is the local version of The Biggest Loser. So far I've worked out 5 days in a row, changed my eating habits and have been given precious meal plans which I'm determined to follow as much as possible. There will be some allowances of course, because some things I don't like so I swap out for example: Tuna<->Chicken, Potatoes<->Yams etc. It actually hasn't been all that difficult to change my eating habits, since now I'm eating MORE than I normally do (including my most hated meal, breakfast), and a lot of the foods in the meal plan are foods I like.

I must confess, I weighed myself yesterday (I understand we're not supposed to before our scheduled weigh-ins) and I've already lost 5 POUNDS!!! I'm ecstatic! The program works and I feel so much better already. How could I not stick with it?? It's 12 weeks and I'm almost done the first week. just 11 more to go! I have to admit though, I'm excited for our "day of rest" tomorrow, I've been DYING to sleep in!

So, this blog is to come to terms with myself and what I'm going through. I don't expect it to be easy, in fact mentally, it's already been very challenging. I have to look at myself in the mirror and really know what it is that I'm doing to myself, and take active steps to change. At first, I was very depressed to see how much I weighed, and how high my BMI is, and what my total inches are on my body. But I keep remembering the words Joanne told me my very first day in the gym, "it's not depressing... It's not your fault you're fat, but you are responsible for it. It doesn't matter what happened before, or how you got here. What's important, is that you're here, and you're doing something about it." One step at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time, by summer I will be healthier. I won't be skinny or a supermodel or even in a two piece bathing suit, but I will be HEALTHY. I need to be healthy for my family, my new husband, and for the children I hope to have. I need to be healthy for ME, because without me, I wouldn't be.

This is the beginning, the beginning of the end of a lifelong battle, and dammit I'm going to WIN!!