Post partum.

I said it. I have it. There. I can't go on denying it, I can't go on hiding it. I have been a mess; I drank, I smoked, I took antidepressants. I'm not asking anyone to like it, it just is what it is. I won't sugar coat my behavior, I know it was wrong and it wasn't helpful, but there it is. I want to be wonder wife and super mom, but I am not. I'm trying, but I have reached a minor epiphany.

There is no wonder wife. No super mom.

I have been fighting so hard to be something that doesn't even exist. That little piece of knowledge gives me a little bit of relief. My next bit of relief comes from this post. I have been hiding all this for months, and the strength I'm using up bottling this in, could definitely be used elsewhere. I have struggled, I have cried, I have hit bottom. I have fought with my husband and hidden from my friends. I know what it's like to have everyone tell me how lucky I am, and still carry around a gray cloud of sadness. I know I'm lucky, and I am grateful, but that's not what this is about. Don't judge me, I have done enough of that all on my own.

So there is my simplistic confession... But don't think for a moment that it's that simple. It's a very complicated situation to be a new mommy (or second, third, fourth time mommy) with post partum depression. The simplistic way I've written this is to ease ME through this, not to paint an inaccurate picture of what myself and other mommies go through every day.

I would not be posting this if it wasn't for the many blogs I have come across lately, with lots of other mommies going through exactly the same thing. You give me strength ladies, your open and honest accounts of your lives every day helps me remember that I am not the only one with this problem. I am not a bad wife and mother for going through this, I am just me. I will get through this, I know it; but it doesn't mean the journey will be easy... But I will get there, one baby (haha) step at a time.

Good Enough

I've been meaning to post for awhile, because I need to get some thoughts and feelings out, but I just haven't managed to get around to it until now.

Ever wonder if you're good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? Wife? Sister? Friend? Daughter? I'm not here to host a pity party, it's just how I've been feeling lately.

For those who aren't aware, I'm depressed.

I've been struggling with my own being, my own self. To me, it's been a hard realization as to how much my life has changed. I knew it would change; a lot. But part of me was hoping that I would still get to be me. I'm not. Somehow I've lost myself and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm sure things will all get figured out, but those who know me well, know that I'm not a patient person.

Nowadays I find myself wondering that original question... Am I good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? I have several friends that are trying and have been trying so desperately to nurse their babies. I listen to their stories and read their posts, and find myself rooting for them, to do what they so desperately want and need to do. So I question myself, why didn't I root harder for myself?? Did I give up nursing too early? I gave up so quickly, and even gave up pumping because it was "too hard". What is "too hard"? I've talked to twin mommas who nursed exclusively for months. MONTHS! Nearly a year in most cases! And those that didn't, pumped. Pumped their little hearts out for their little angels, also for months. After 6 weeks, I was done. I gave up, I quit. Why didn't I try harder?? How come I couldn't just suck it up and do what's best for my babies?? I look back and wish I had. All I've ever wanted to do, was what is best for my children, but I was so selfish for my own ease and comfort I put myself first and them second. I try not to dwell on my choices, but it's often so hard not to. I have other friends that cloth diaper. I used a diaper service for 4 months, and was exclusively cloth diapering for that entire time. Because of cost, we switched to disposables. Also because of ease. I didn't want to fork out the hundreds of dollars on cloth diapers, and I also didn't want to wash them. Was it what's best for my babies?? I don't know. Is it what's best for the environment?? No. I've never been an environmentalist, a green peace activist or a health nut. (I certainly don't want to offend anyone who might be, so please don't take it that way if you are any of those things). I have made conscious choices for my family, and I look back at them all and wonder if I made the right ones. I see so many moms giving every last ounce of their strength, will, and dollars for their babies and I can't help but feel like a failure. I could have done more, I could have worked harder, I could have done better. I watch my tiny babies and see one rolling around, trying to crawl, and being generally very happy. I see the other, who hasn't roller over at all (ever) and somehow I feel like it's my fault. Am I spending enough time with him? Am I working hard enough for him to help him develop and grow and learn as much as his sister? Have I done something wrong to curb his development? What can I do to help him? I put him on his tummy, and he lays for a bit, then fusses because he doesn't like it. So he winds up back on his back (entirely by my assistance) and just lays there. Often he smiles, but often he doesn't play with toys, doesn't interact with his sister, doesn't even try. What have I done that he's so far behind his sister?? Is it my fault? Will he catch up? With all the reassurance in the world, I'm still haunted by all these questions and feelings. I want to be a good mother, but right now with the choices I've made, I don't feel I measure up.

Am I a good enough wife? I'm sure my husband will say so, but often I don't feel I am. I don't always have all the chores done, I don't always have dinner ready on time, I don't give him enough attention, I don't show him enough love. I haven't figured out the balance of our family life, and I'm not sure how. I already feel like I don't spend enough one on one time with our children, so how can I spare that to spend time with my husband?? How can I not do the chores that are required to keep our home clean and therefore our family healthy? How can I not be so tired in the evening so once the kids go to bed we can actually spend time together instead of me slothing around the house like a zombie? I don't have the answers for this either.

I'm a terrible sister. I rarely talk to either of my siblings, mostly because I never know what to talk about. We have nothing in common, and never really have. It feels like we're on two different ends of the planet when it comes to interests, so I find myself at a loss for conversation. They aren't particularily interested in what I have to say because we don't have the same interests, and I always find myself lost when they try to talk about their hobbies, likes and dislikes because we are so different, and I hate it so much when our conversations just turn into arguements. We are so different, so we clash. I envy my friends and husband who are so close with their siblings that they can talk, hang out, and have a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I try to fix things and make things better, but mostly I just feel like I've failed them. I should always try harder, and somehow somewhere I feel like I've given up. I need to try harder, but I don't know where to start.

I'm a terrible friend. Don't try and defend me, it's true. There are so many of you that are such wonderful people, that you will step in and say "hold on, you're a great person and friend!!... etc etc" but that's just because you are wonderful people. I'm extremely lucky to have you. I've let you down too. I forget birthdays, events and get togethers. I make excuses to not go out. I forget to return things I've borrowed. I don't give or send cards for special occasions. I often forget gifts. I ask favors for which I cannot possibly repay. I don't make phonecalls, impromptu visits, or enough time. I'm not grateful enough. I don't know how to properly say thankyou, or ask for help. I can say the words, but actions speak louder right? I haven't helped anyone move, renovate, redecorate or mind their children when they needed. I offer to help, but I rarely just give it because it's needed. I don't spend the time I should, and I could make all kinds of excuses for my actions, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Don't make excuses for me either, it doesn't make me a better person.

A good enough daughter? I don't know. I try. But I don't try hard enough. I should be visiting my parents, not just them always coming here. I should be dropping in to help with fixing up the house, the yard, chores, or just to be company. I ask favors and give none. My parents are wonderful loving people, and they deserve better. I won't go on, because they don't use the internet, have facebook, or want their personal matters posted on the internet. So to sum up, no. I'm not good enough.

So with all that, I feel not good enough. Maybe it's the depression talking, maybe it's the truth. Everything I've stated is true, but I didn't list the good things. I'm normally the person that's optimistic, and always looking on the bright side. I lost my optimism somewhere, and I think it started somewhere during my pregnancy. I still try, I still try and think of the good things, the fortunate things, but the dark cloud of negativity overwhelms me. Perhaps that's what is missing from me. I'm really not sure, all I know is how I feel. Tired, frustrated, empty. I get angry because I can't find myself, I feel empty without it. It's hard to fix a problem when you don't really know what the problem is, or even where to start. I try to put a big smiling face on and tell everyone things are great... They aren't great. My husband is wonderful, my kids are amazing. The problem is me.

Again, I wish to state that nothing in this post was meant to offend, hurt or point fingers at anyone. I just need to lay all my thoughts and feelings out, so hopefully I can find a solution. <3

What?? July??! Already?!

K yeah, I was reading my friend Mandy's blog, and she talked about how moms don't have the time to blog... and I realized I hadn't posted since my birth story! Sooo.... I'm going to try really hard to complete a post today! To make sure of that, I'm posting earlier in the morning, after babies have been fed and changed!

So... wow... I don't even know where to start! Babies are huge, and healthy... Well mostly. We had to switch Abigail to Similac Sensitive (which my mother in law has graciously offered to pay for, for the time being), mostly because my little girl was having severe bouts of gas pain, so switching to a sensitive formula seemed to be the correct course of action. Oh yes, for those who don't know, we are not breast feeding. We gave it a good honest shot, it really didn't work out, I really don't want to get into it! lol nothing horrible or traumatic mind you, it was just stressful... You moms know how it is. So, the similac seems to help Abigail, but only to a certain point. She appears to have developed Colic, which is sort of late in the game believe it or not... normally it starts to clear up by now, but in her case it's only just begun. Now I thought that Colic meant horrible bouts of gas etc that lasts on and on through the night... well it turns out it's much more broad than that. Colic is generally defined as bouts of crying lasting 3 or more hours a day (total) for 3 or more days a week, for 3 or more weeks. Colicky episodes normally occur at the same points of the day every time, and normally occur after meals. That doesn't mean that Colic is caused by eating, or by gas or whatever. There have been a lot of studies about Colic, and the general concensus, is that they really don't know what exactly causes it because the causes and solutions are so varied. So, Abigail cries and demands to be held rocked and coddled at around 1:00pm, (which is typically after a long morning nap and then lunch) and around 8:30 - 9:00pm (which is typically after a long awake period and final feeding for the night). For those of you on facebook, take a look at my typical posts of insanity, the times line up. The past week I've learned a lot about Colic, and a lot about my baby girl... What works, what doesn't, and that when she's having one of these spells, it's pretty much only me that can soothe her. Which really sucks at the 1:00pm spell because I'm home alone with them, and my son needs attention too!

On to my son... well he's healthy, and has grown wayyyy faster than Abigail. He's over a pound bigger than her, and the difference is actually visible to the naked eye. They are equally healthy, he's just big! Originally we had them both on the Parent's Choice formula from Walmart, because 1. It's insanely inexpensive in comparison and 2. It's received great reviews from every mom I know that's used it. However, we noticed that Elliott was having trouble pooping. His poops were too formed, and had a strange clay color to it. (Yeah I focus on poo, I'm a care aide, it's a big part of what I do.) He was also struggling to have movements, so we decided to switch him back to what the hospital had him on; Similac. So now we have 2 babies on Similac, one on the sensitive formula and one on Similac Advance. Elliott still only goes every 2 or 3 days, but when he goes, he GOES!! And it's not so much of a struggle for him. The doctor says it's normal for babies to do this, and not to be concerned. I'm trying not to be, but my inner know-it-all has heard and read that babies should poop every day and multiple times a day! Well Abigail only goes once, and it's ALWAYS after her morning feeding. (Seriously she's that regular, I'll feed her, and immediately afterwards, she poops.) Now that we've gone over the great poop situation, I can talk about the other end! Elliott's teething. Oh yeah, almost 12 weeks old, and Elliott appears to be teething. Just on and off mind you, but the signs are all there. The red cheek, the drool, the tell-tale hard white spot on the gumline... But it's not every day that he is cranky, or has the red cheek or drool. But the bump is still there, and it's a canine. Of course my kids have to do things the hard way, it's in their blood afterall.

There was one very major thing I wasn't prepared for... No matter how everyone told me about it, prepared me for it, warned me about it.... I was nowhere near prepared whatsoever, for the love. I had no idea that I could love something so intensely, so fully, and with absolutely everything I have. And I had no idea, that I could possibly have not just that much love for one baby, but I have more than enough for both. I loved them both from conception, I loved them both more from birth... But the real intense wave of all encompassing love started with the smiles. I remember the day when Elliott smiled for real. I was changing his diaper on the changing pad on the dresser, and had just finished dressing him in a new cute little outfit that he was given. I looked down at him, and said "Aren't you a cool lookin' dude?! You handsome boy!" And I got it. A great big open mouthed gummy smile, the whole time looking right at me. I started to laugh, and then I started to cry. I scooped him up into my arms and told him what a good boy he was and how happy he made his mommy. Just thinking about it now makes me teary, because it was probably the most magical moment in my life up to that point. It took a bit longer for Abigail to smile, but when she did, I melted. She has the sweetest most lovely little girl smile, with this adorable little dimple on her left cheek. Just one dimple, and I think that makes her even more special. Elliott still smiles more than Abigail, but every morning, after they have eaten and been changed, they lie side by side on the couch, and are both happy. So happy they are full of coos and smiles and almost giggles. For that brief time during the day, every single day, my heart swells to bursting and I get the overwhelming urge to dive into the baby pile and snuggle them crazy.... And most mornings I do. I get my face right in between both of their cheeks and get little happy cheek hugs from both babies at the same time. That my friends, that is absolute heaven.

Birth Story

Well everyone's been asking for much wanted details on the labour, delivery, birth, and home coming of our beautiful twins... I'm going to post what I can remember, as it was probably the absolutely craziest day of my life! May be a little graphic or whatever, so you've been warned!

April 13th 2011
I woke up this morning knowing that this would be the day I would be induced. Not necessarily the day the babies would be born, but I knew I would be induced. The day prior I had a non stress test at the hospital, which showed two interesting developments. #1. I had protein in my urine. #2. I had an elevated blood pressure of around 140/90. This shows that I had the beginning stages of pre-eclampsia. So, after the non stress test I had my appointment with my obgyn and midwife, and the decision was made to induce me the following day, April 13th 2011. I woke up around 5 in the morning a little nervous, but mostly really tired. Sleep hadn't been happening much in that week, because unbeknownst to me, my blood pressure and protein in my urine had been causing me to have all sorts of intersting symptoms such as nausea, vomitting, dizziness, insomnia and more. I admit I was extremely relieved to be booked for induction, because with all the symptoms plus being so anxious to have my babies I was really on the edge of my seat to run to the hospital if I had to! So, at 6:45am we headed to the hospital to be admittted to the prenatal unit at the hospital and everything seemed to go as planned. I met with my midwife, and the obstetrician on staff that day, and it was decided that the induction would start with a dose of prostin gel. First I was checked, and I had no idea THAT would be so painful. Turns out my cervix was still long, hard and far far away from being ready for labour. So prostin gel was the first choice to go with to start the softening and shortening process. The gel was administered around 8:00am and the labour cramping and pain started around 20 minutes after that. Apparently induction cramping has a bit more of a burning sensation than natural labour, but since I've never been in labour I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, the cramping was intense, and it did feel a bit "burny", but all I could do was breathe through it and hope it was working. I had to learn how to breathe while I was there, and my midwife was an excellent instructor. Turns out I am an excellent breather also, but I chalk that up to 27 years of breathing experience. So I had to wait the full 6 hours for the gel to work, and around half way I had to have something for pain. I felt really pathetic because of it, but it didn't really help anyways so it was pretty much for nothing. After 6 hours of breathing, moaning and crying, the doctor came back to check me again. Thank god I had such wonderful people there with me, because nothing on this earth could have prepared me for how being checked during a contraction would feel. I cried, I yelled, I damn near broke my best friend's hand. My husband was devastated to see me in such distress that he got emotional, which made me emotional too. So where did the first 6 hours get me? No where. My cervix was completely unchanged. No softening, no shortening, no nothing. So it was clearly too early for the oxytocin, so the next option was a second dose of prostin gel. Damn. Another 6 hours. The contractions and burning was quicker and more intense this time around, and the doctor gave me something more for pain. It helped a bit more to take the edge off, but still I spent 6 more hours crying, moaning, rocking, breathing, and more crying. Lots and lots of crying. So the first dose of prostin was around 8:00am, the second dose was around 2:00 pm, maybe a little later, possibly closer to 3:00pm, I can't be sure. Yes it must have been after 3:00 pm. So by around 10:30 pm the doctor came back (finally, he was late with another delivery so it really felt like forever) after my midwife went and tracked him down. He came in to check me, and this time I was ready to brace for it. I had a hand in each of my hands, I breathed and focused through it and all my effort seemed to help. It wasn't as painful as the prior check, but it was still very very unpleasant. The doctor didn't have good news for me. No change. No shortening, no softening, no nothing. So out came the paperwork. The doctor stated that he felt another dose of prostin would just give me another 6 hours of discomfort, and my blood pressure was continuing to rise, so he felt it would be best to get the babies out sooner rather than later. Done and done. I had no problem with it, because the odds of me going through another 6 hours for nothing was pretty great, and in the end the risks for my health and health of my babies were increasing by the hour. I've had surgery before, I wasn't afraid of it, and I knew that this would be a possibility so I was prepared for it. I filled out the forms I had to (incredibly difficult while crying and contracting by the way) to give the go ahead for the c section. The doctor had to go, but said he would be back by 11:00 pm hopefully to perform the c section. It was funny, because we realized that it would be the same day my cousin Jake was born, and deep down I kind of wished my babies would have their own birthday. Knowing so many people with birthdays in April, made that almost impossible. Interesting how things turn out.... We waited and waited and waited for the doctor to return; we sent out nurses and the midwife to find him, only to discover that the operating room was being held up by another surgery... So we just kept waiting...

C Section; April 14th 2011
The doctor finally got back to us, and by the time he did, it was after midnight. Our babies wound up having their own birthday after all. :) Our midwife gave my husband a pair of scrubs to wear, and he started to get ready. (He looks totally amazing in scrubs by the way, he really needs to find a job where he gets to wear them.) I'm still crying, still contracting, and am getting more and more exhausted. By the time I finally get walked (oh yes, walked, I was not very pleased with this part) down the hall to the operating room I had been in induced labour for almost 17 hours. I was anxious to get the spinal done, just so the pain would stop, but I was also terrified, as I've certainly never had a needle in my spine before. I stood in the waiting area with my Mom, my Dad, my best friend and my husband, fighting contractions every few minutes, waiting anxiously to hurry up and get into the operating room. The doctor appears and smiles, and tells me "guess what? In a few minutes you're going to be a mommy!" and I can't help but tear up, not from pain this time, but from joy. I get lead into the operating room where about a dozen attending surgeons, nurses, anaesthetists etc are waiting, and my midwife rubs my back. I get lead to the operating table and get helped up onto it in a sitting position. My midwife and anaesthetist direct me to lean over my midwife and push my back out, and be very very still. They cover my back with that nasty yellowish brown sterile solution, which was so cold it made every contraction so much worse. My body is shivering and shaking, and aching all over. I couldn't help but think that it felt like I had the flu. The anaesthetist tells me I'll feel a little bee sting, which is the numbing agent they use before they do the spinal block. Then I start to get scared, they tell me again to push my back out and be still, while the anaesthetist begins the spinal. He tells me that my feet will start to feel warm, and then my legs will get tingly. I need to tell him when my feet feel warm. The strangest and most comforting feeling ever. Honestly. After feeling so rough all day, that lovely warming feeling starting at my toes creeping up my legs was something I can't even explain. After the warmth, it began to feel like pins and needles, which is exactly what is supposed to happen. I tell the doctor that my feet feel warm, and everyone in the team around me gathers and swings me up onto my back. So quick and efficient, I barely remember it happening. The sheets went up to hide my view, and my husband came in. I remember looking up and being able to see a tiny bit of reflection on a metal grate on the ceiling, so I was able to see a very muddled vision of what was happening... mostly just color. Bryce sat beside me, and we asked each other if we were ok. We both nodded and he smiled. I was told I would feel them all touching me, but I wouldn't feel pain. They were so quiet I had no idea when the first incision was made, all I remember is when they said I would feel some pressure, which I did not. All of a sudden the doctor broke out in song, singing haapy birthday to my little boy, it was 1:06am. They whisked him around to see me and Bryce, and asked him if he wanted to go with them to recovery to see his son. He went and my midwife took his place. Soon after, another song for my baby girl, it was 1:07am. She was brought around to see me, so quickly I barely saw either of them. She was then whisked away too. I asked if they were ok, if they were alright, I was told, that they were perfect. :)

Recovery
I saw my baby girl first, once I made it back to my room. They handed her to me, and I instantly fell in love. She was beautiful, just as I knew she would be. I asked about my son, and was told that he had some respiratory issues and had to stay in the NICU. I was also told that I could not go see him until my spinal had worn off, which turned out to be at 8:00am that morning. I was devastated. I needed to see my son, but I was reassured it was for observation only, that he was ok. I was up and walking as soon as they would let me, I would have put on any act, any show, done anything in my power to just get into that NICU to see my son. This lead to me overdoing it this day, but I got to see my baby boy and had my baby girl released into my room as well, so it was all worth it. My daughter began her life with my husband and I in our room at 11:00 am that morning, and my son was released at around 8:00pm that evening. It was an incredibly long day, night and day again... and so on and so on... But these gorgeous children, make everything worth it.

so soon

oh yes I know, it's been a long time since i posted, and believe me I have my reasons! But it doesn't matter. I post what I need to, when I need to, because blogging is just one of my many kinds of therapy; I don't always need it, but I use it when I must. :)

It is half past 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. WHAT? I spent most of the day sleeping due to pregnancy exhaustion, I am 36 weeks pregnant with twins (technically full term) but my heart and brain won't stop racing! I have this strange gut feeling that I will be having these babies very soon, maybe a day or two. Up until now, I had many conflicting feelings and emotions about these babies, but laying in bed tonight trying to fall asleep, most of those emotions and feelings just went away....

I was terrified. Honestly, completely terrified. Afraid I wouldn't be a good mom, afraid I wouldn't be able to handle everything, afraid I wouldn't be able to cope... Well that feeling is completely gone. I could lay there and imagine their beautiful little faces, hell I still can sitting here staring at this screen. I look at my round full belly, and for once I don't feel resentful for the pain and discomfort, I don't feel afraid for what's to come... I feel excited. I want to meet them, I want to love them, I want to hand our babies to my husband and see the love light up in his face and know he'll be absolutely smitten with them from that moment on. Thinking about the incredible joy we will get to feel, is overwhelming me, a happiness I've never felt and they aren't even out yet.

Contractions have been happening. Don't panic yet, it's been going on for days, and they are ridiculously irregular. In fact I had my non stress test the other day, and it proved that everything is still going swimmingly. One contraction in 12 hours certainly doesn't constitute labour, but I am keeping an eye on it. Because well, you never know right?? No other symptoms yet, except that I'm up, anxious and practically giddy at 3:30 am.

Everyone is so proud!! Every person I've talked to, from family, to friends, to my doctor, to my midwives.... they are all so proud that I've done so well and come so far for my first pregnancy, and carrying two! I however don't feel proud. I feel ashamed and embarassed for not taking everything better, for not coping and not managing well. Women do this all the time and I took it like a toddler having a tantrum. I can't say how I did compared to anyone else because I'm not anyone else, and as it's my first pregnancy, I have absolutely nothing to compare it to... but I don't feel good about it. Feeling as I do tonight, practically bursting at the seams with love for these 2 unborn babies, I feel sad that I hadn't felt more of it sooner. I am glad that despite my issues with discomfort, pain and blood sugars that the babies are doing astoundingly well... growing perfectly, maintaining at a perfect rate all around, and no signs of pre-eclampsia either. I should have tried to be more grateful, to try and push through it more earlier, then maybe I'd be more comfortable now at the end of it. But I can't change how I was, I'll just have to do better once they are born and give them all the love and affection they deserve. They are our miracles; heaven knows how much we love them.

Oh, one last thing, I've only gained 40 pounds. Sounds like a lot I know, but if you factor in around 12 pounds of baby, 4 pounds of amniotic fluid, and 3 pounds of placenta.... I'm really doing pretty darned well. In fact, doctors all agree that within a few months of birth, I will be thinner than before I got pregnant! I take that as a very big win. I'm excited to get out and get exercise again, to jogging the neighbourhood with our bundles in their double stroller, and hitting the gym for drop in kickboxing.... oh yeah, this summer is going to be the best summer ever. I don't need to explain why, it'll be written all over our faces. Life is wonderful, love is plentiful, and our journey.... well it's just barely begun.

Negative Day

That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P

That felt good.

Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.

So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.

Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??

I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.

I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.

So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.

For all the mothers out there

It has recently been brought to my attention, that through my expressing my feelings during my pregnancy, that I may have made some people feel that I don't hold any value to their pregnancy experiences.

I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.

Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.

My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.

Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.

I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.

Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.

I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.


Who is a mother?


Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..

Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.

pregnancy from start to 25 weeks

I just realized I haven't added any photos! So, I'm going to add all of my pregnancy photos, so you can see how I've progressed!

Grateful

Good morning! I have noticed lately I have been slipping back into a funk. Mostly due to discomfort and pain, but considering I have 3 months to go, I need to get my optimism back. So, today this post is all about what I am grateful for during this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.

I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)

I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....

I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.

I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.

I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)

I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".

And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.

PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)

Time for an update!

I was scanning some of my friend's blogs, and caught myself wondering "why haven't they posted recently?? wtf!" then realized I hadn't posted in AGES and therefore guilted myself into making another post. lol it's confusing and complicated, but heck, it got me to post.

Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.

So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.

Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)

Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.

Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)

New perspective!

This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.

Well no more.

No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.

I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.

I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.

I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.

And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.

My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.

How it has been, how it will be, how it should be.

well it's been forever since I updated, and my brain is feeling so overloaded with thoughts I figured I should get posting! So, for starters, let's talk about where I'm at. I'm at 17 weeks + 2 days pregnant. Woo! For a twin pregnancy I'm almost half way! (At 19 weeks I will be half way, as they won't let me go beyond 38 weeks). Funny thing is, I'm excited, but I'm also becoming terrified. Not only will I be bringing a beautiful baby into the world in around 21 1/2 weeks, but I will be bringing in TWO. Am I ready? No. Am I emotionally or financially prepared?? HELL no. Do I feel like I have a right to be terrified? Hell YES I do! I'm not wonder woman, and I'm not this great organizing genius that some people portray me to be. It's an illusion. I'm really a great procrastinator, and that's why I organize so early in advance. Because if I don't, it won't get done. End of story. These babies are going to completely turn our lives inside out and upside down. I really don't even think that I even come close to understanding how much, and the not knowing, well that's what scares me.

How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.

So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.

Long time no see!

why have I not posted in nearly a month?? Because I've been dead. Dead to the whole world, due to chronic fatigue and "morning" sickness. Morning being in quotations, because it's not just in the morning, it's pretty much every waking hour! lol but, now that I'm at the 11 week mark (just beyond actually) I'm beginning to finally feel a bit better! My energy level is up, I'm actually accomplishing simple tasks and chores, and I'm not permanently etched into my butt groove on the couch. Things are looking up, and I'm starting to get all excited all over again! Why do you ask?? well for one, I'm awake, coherent and feeling better. (You have nooooo idea what I'm talking about until you've been there. Imagine having the flu for a solid month, and that's exactly where I was.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100%, but I feel MUCH better. The other reason for being excited... well all my friends and family know, that I had my first ultrasound last week, and have discovered that I'm having TWINS! OMFG right!? It was probably the most amazing day of my life, seeing those babies on the monitor. Then, after all the info finding was done by the tech, my mother, best friend, and husband came in to see. There were so many screams in that room, that I bet you could hear us all at Tim Hortons across the parking lot! TWINS! I still can't believe it! But it does explain the intensity of my symptoms, and how almost none of my pants fit already. I really couldn't ask for anything more. A happy life, a darling husband, a wonderful home of our own, and now a family. A whole family! I'm hoping for a boy and a girl, but I'll be ecstatic either way, as long as they are born healthy and safe. What more could a woman want?

hormones hormones everywhere...

well here I am posting at almost midnight on this last full day of summer. Am I sad summer is gone?? HELL NO! I love fall, it's my favorite time of year. Sadly, right now I do not feel happy. I don't feel energized, I don't feel calmed. I feel completely and totally crappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Why?? Why would I feel so sad when I have absolutely everything going for me in my life that I could possibly want?? One word. Hormones. I feel fat, I feel ugly. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I feel angry and frustrated. Am I fat or ugly?? I'm 50 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, and have never ever thought I really was ugly. Do I have any reason to be sad or depressed?? No, as I said a sentence ago, I have everything I could possibly want. Am I alone?? Far from it! As for angry and frustrated, right now EVERYthing makes me feel that way. I'm at home, and the mess makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm too sad and depressed and tired to do anything about it, so I sit around eating getting more fat and ugly. ALL BECAUSE OF HORMONES! None of it makes any sense; not one tiny bit! Everything right now frustrates and angers me to the very point of explosion. Some family, some friends, some home, and LOTS of work. Let's face it, I need a vacation. Fortunately I have a well deserved and very much needed 6 days off in the beginning of October, where I can refuel and recharge, and hopefully find some happy in amidst the hormonal storm. I know it will pass, I know it's only temporary... But seriously, I cannot wait for this phase to be over, because being angry and frustrated and sad all the time, is causing me to be even more worn out. Every day I sleep more and more, which I guess is good, because then I have less time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Anyway, as I type I'm getting more and more tired, so my typing is getting worse and worse... as is my brain power and ability to make coherent sentences. I actually seriously spell checked this... this baby is actually rotting out my brain, I'm so sure of it that... that.... well there's a good example right there. A totally incomplete thought.

A week has passed...

So, an entire week has passed, and I'm feeling oh-so-funky. I have a headcold. One that totally robbed me of my voice yesterday, and today is making my face feel about 20lbs heavier than normal.... (clearly it's moved into my sinuses.) So add some wicked pregnancy symptoms to that and you can bet I'm feeling pretty... ok lousy. Fortunately, at my doctor's appointment last week I had the brain power to ask for some Diclectin for my nausea. It's really only intermittent, like every other day or so, but when it hits bad, it's really bad. I spent last wednesday on the couch for the ENTIRE DAY. Seriously, I got up to pee, and that was it. So now I'm on the nausea/vomiting medication for pregnant women, and it's MUCH more bearable. It doesn't totally go away mind you, but I'm functioning. I have had some new developing symptoms this past week...

First of all, the food cravings have begun. My poor poor husband. A few days ago I damned near bowled over a McDonalds full of people just to get some chocolate milk. That hasn't changed. Today I bought a 4L jug of it. I bet it will be gone by tomorrow. While I dragged my sickly ass through the grocery store to grab said chocolate milk, I saw a can of Chef Boyardee. Welcome craving number 2! It was on sale (thank god) so I grabbed 5 cans. I figured "wow, I'm so hungry I could easily eat two cans at lunch!" so when I got home I grabbed a huge bowl and unloaded the first can. I figured, "well, better start with one and work my way up..." good thing, because I got 3/4 of the way through that can and my stomach started to scream "alright!! that's enough!! Stop!!" hehe, but I don't listen to my stomach so I finished the can. lol Fortunately I didn't get sick, but I bet next time I will.

Along with food cravings, I now have some food aversions. Get this one; chicken breast. Oh yeah. The one thing on earth that we eat more than bread or milk. I made shake and bake chicken breast for dinner, had 2 bites, and went "oh no, not having this..." I pushed it aside completely disgusted, and hoped that it was just the shake and bake making me grossed out. Well, being sick, last night I had soup for supper. Some really yummy looking chicken corn chowder. (something normally reserved for a treat, so clearly it's something I like) Nope. I forced down about half of it, but couldn't do it. Which leads me to the conclusion that it's the chicken. Don't get me wrong, I will try chicken in numerous ways before I give up, but I have a feeling I'm losing this one.

Final random symptom... I HAVE VEINY BOOBS! Seriously, it's nasty. I've always had prominent veins, everywhere really... but now, they are 3 dimensional and yucky, and freaking painful! I mean, my boobs have hurt all along, but now they are in a constant state of horrible bruised feeling. I felt that they were bad before, now they are awful. I feel like each one of my breasts have been run over by a steam roller, then blown back up and filled with sand. Sounds great huh? I'm seriously becoming terrified at the thought of how they will be when my milk comes in *shudder*.

So that's my pregnancy in a nutshell this past week, all weird symptoms, baby brain, sleepiness and sickness. It's awesome. lol thankfully first trimester is over half over, so I can start looking to the sun-shiny glow of the second trimester horizon. *yay*

And then there was puke...

Oh yes, that's right... This morning was my first trip to the porcelain goddess. Stupid thing is, it was probably preventable.

I got up this morning and felt pretty good! No cramps, no nausea, no dizziness! Great right?! Well I got a cup of coffee, and sat to watch tv with my husband. After about 45 minutes I decided to take a shower, and have breakfast after. Ha... idiot. The moment I opened the shower curtain, my baby and therefore my stomach said, "oh no, you're going to eat NOW! OR ELSE!" well I stopped for a moment, looked in the mirror, looked down at the toilet, and BAM! Up came the coffee I had just finished consuming. In between hurls I called out to Bryce to make me some toast asap. He said "what do you want on it??" I said "I don't care! Butter, anything, as long as it's food!" So my lovely man made me some buttered toast, which I quickly ate, and felt better almost instantly. Then I was able to shower. Sheesh, I'm such a moron....

So mental note from now on, get up, eat, drink coffee, carry on with my day. I guess over the years I got so used to not eating breakfast, that now I'm having a hard time adjusting. Well a few more episodes of barfing up my coffee in the morning, should cure that pretty quickly!

new discoveries!

Today (and last night) I made some discoveries. Firstly, night shift is going to be REALLY hard to get used to. I'm already sooo tired all the time, nights just isn't going to work as well as I'd like. But, I am stuck with it, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to manage. Second discovery (and my favorite) my baby LOVES poached eggs on toast. How do I know??? Although I already enjoyed this breakfast very much, today it was what I craved as soon as I woke up, and as soon as I had the first bite, it was like a mini orgasm in my mouth. Oh yes, it was THAT good. lol

I am also trying to track my baby's development. Yesterday, at the 5 week mark (on the dot!) his/her heart started beating. How cool is that?!My little seed-sized baby is growing and developing so much each day, it's so exciting! I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could enjoy it that much more... but I assure you, my dreams are filled with nothing but visions of my baby and what our future will look like. I may not appear excited through glassy eyes and the black circles and bags under them, but deep inside, I'm totally beside myself with joy. :)

Good Morning World!

Once again starting the day with a smile on my face! Well, at first I wasn't. Today I have learned a valuable lesson... or two. lol First, I have realized that the first 20 minutes or so after I wake up, are when I feel best during the day. No cramping, no nausea, no dizziness, no nothing! If I wasn't so ecstatic about being pregnant, I probably wouldn't even remember that I was at all until after I had my coffee! Second lesson, and the largest, is to stay off of the freaking internet! I was feeling a little stiff this morning, my shoulders and back were aching a bit and needed to be stretched out. Well naturally what I do first is look up "pregnancy + shoulder pain" on google. IDIOT! First bunch of items that come up, is all about preeclampsia. So, I read and I begin to panic, meanwhile as I move around the achiness goes away, and I realize that I have NONE of the other symptoms of preeclampsia. So I got myself all panicked and worried for nothing.

So today, I have officially banned myself from looking pregnancy worries up on the internet. I will take all my questions and concerns to my midwife. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Get ourselves all worked up in a tizzy over a symptom that could be anything or nothing?? Why do we feel the drive to look crap up on the internet, then get all panicked over what we read, as if what is written on every page is gospel? Because we are hormonal; every emotion and feeling is enhanced to the point where we are either extremely happy, or feeling the absolute WORST is going to happen. Yeesh, where's the cure for THAT during pregnancy?? I can handle the nausea, the cramping, the headaches, the dizziness, the sore boobs, all of it! But the hormones, THAT is what's going to kill me first!

5 weeks and counting!

Good morning world! Anyone noticed a change in my outlook and perspective?? could I possibly be any more happy?! Every day I wake up with a protective hand on my tummy, say "good morning little one" to my tiny child, and instantly start smiling. It is truly one of the most wonderful things to ever happen in my life, and despite the nausea, cramping, dizziness and sore boobs, it is a hundred time worth it! I could be sick in bed for days, and I would still be able to get out a little smile, and talk to my baby. Life is wonderful.

Nothing much has really changed, except my cramping has gone down substantially. In fact it's nearly gone. (woo!) The pain overall wasn't really that bad, just nerve-wracking. So I'm glad that stage (for now) is over. Other than that, things pretty much remain the same. All I can think is how long the next 8 1/2 months are going to be. I want to feel the baby! I want to have a big popped out tummy! But sadly I have months to wait for both of those things, and as many of you know, I am NOT a patient person! But, I would rather wait, than have a premature child, so this month I will strive to learn patience.

Tiny Parry...

Well, let me first say that I was originally intending not to tell anyone but immediate family and our closest friends until I was 8 weeks. Soooo... then I changed it to, well I'll tell everyone personally, just as long as it's not plastered all over the internet before I tell anyone.... Theeen, I just decided I couldn't handle it anymore and decided to spew it everywhere!

I'M PREGNANT!

Even looking at those words, and saying it aloud... I can't believe it's true! But, looking back on the past few weeks, I'm surprised I didn't question it sooner.

We didn't try this month. I felt I was done, I was tired of stressing over it, I decided it would just be best if I took control of my health and my life and put it on the back burner. HA! See how well that worked out? As for symptoms?? I was tired. ALL THE TIME. I was sleeping 12 hours a day and still needed naps. I wasn't handling my nightshifts well AT ALL, when normally I can manage way better. (That's why I do them!) I was moody. Ok, so moody for me isn't unusual, especially around "that time" of the month. But I wasn't just bitchy and cranky. I cried reading a romance novel! Seriously! I cried during a stupid movie! ON THE SAME DAY! I should have noticed that being a red flag right away. Next, my boobs hurt. Now they usually do before my period, but this time they felt as if they weighed 50 lbs! Really a weird feeling if you haven't had it before. They weren't just achy, they felt heavy(er), which was a whole new and different experience for me. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back... I had cramps. Without a period. Now my first thought was "endometriosis, I had better schedule some more surgery", so I did! I called my specialist and began getting everything set up. After awhile, and a few days past my period due date, I then thought "hm... odd... maybe I should take a test?? nah... couldn't be..." I really didn't believe it was possible, as we didn't try, and we didn't have sex around the time that I normally thought was the time we should. So I put it off, and as the symptoms continued, I became worried about my health. Not worried about pregnancy, I had written it off for the month, I never once thought I could be pregnant. But, I went and bought the test, just so I could rule it out in case I needed to go to the doctor. (I'm sure it would be one of the first questions they would ask, so I'd better know the answer for certain!) So I took the test, I'm parked on the toilet in the bathroom watching this very faint little line appear... I thought for sure I was imagining things, so I got up and shuffled into the bedroom and continued to watch the line get DARKER. By the way, did I mention I took this test in the evening?? not in the morning as recommended, but at 9:00 at night... Shakily, I called Bryce into the bedroom, and asked him if I was just seeing things, or if that line was actually there... He was confused, and wasn't sure what he was looking at. He looked at me and asked "what does that mean??" With tears in my eyes, I said "oh my god, I think I'm pregnant!" Completely in disbelief, I proceeded to call my best friend for confirmation. I asked her how dark a line has to be on a test for it to be positive. And she stated "as long as you can see it, it's positive. It doesn't matter how dark it is! Why are you asking??" Like she didn't know... yeesh. lol I practically shouted in her ear "well I guess then I'm pregnant!" She then actually screamed. There was no practically about it! From there I called my mother, and we both shared some tears over the phone. We then decided that since it was night time, I would take the other test in the morning, just to be certain it wasn't a false positive. That night, I hardly slept. Both out of excitement and anxiety, and pain. The pain I felt was nothing short of horrific. Naturally I was terrified, like maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy or something. Apparently (I found out later) that pain can be very very normal, especially with implantation, and ESPECIALLY with endometriosis. So, around 4 am, I got up and went to take the other test. Lol it's funny now, but it wasn't then. The test was defective. The only other test I had in the house and the damned thing was broken. It wouldn't absorb fluid AT ALL, so there was no positive, no negative, no nothing. So, at 7:00 am I woke Bryce and very sweetly asked my exhausted husband if he could walk to the store to pick up another test. #1, so I could know for sure, and #2, so I could PEE! I was ready to burst at this point, but I wasn't going to waste my precious urine without something to test it on! So, my loving husband made the walk to the store and back with my test, and we soon discovered that it too, was positive. We had a busy day of doctor's appointments and bloodwork after that, and many many excited phonecalls to friends and family.

Even after all that, it still hasn't completely sunk in... But I guess we have 8 months to get used to the idea! 5 weeks down... so many more to go!