Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, which for me is a bittersweet holiday. I can celebrate for my Mother, the greatest Mother I know. She is my strength, my heart, my best friend. We didn't always have a good relationship, in fact for a time we had a horrible relationship, but it was my fault. She bore my wickedness, my swearing, my fighting, my screaming, my disobedience; and she still loved me. Without her I would be lost, because she has always helped me find my way. For my Mother: I love you Mom, more than ever, and I will even more tomorrow.

I said today was bittersweet, I suppose I should explain. Today marks my day of ultimate jealousy. My friends are all mothers. My sister-in-law is a mother. I am nothing. I may never be a mother, and it breaks my heart a little every day, but today is the day when I feel the most forlorn, because it shouts out loud what I may never be; a mother. I'm so happy for everyone else that gets to celebrate this day, to celebrate that they are strong, loving, powerful women with happy healthy children.... But deep down for me, I will be sad and suffer in silence, and I will be happy when this day is over, and I can forget what I may never be.

The many sides of me

Well first things first, I lied, I didn't post as I said I would, I'm sorry, moving on. lol

I need to post in my blog more often, and not just for weight loss journey stuff. I have a lot going on in my mind from day to day, and a lot going on in my life, and I think it will be therapeutic for me to write it down. I might not write consistently, but I'm going to try. First I will say a word or two on my weight loss. To date I have now lost 40.5 lbs, and am down to a size 16 from a 22. Yay me! I'm not satisfied, but I'm still working on it so we will see what happens.

Next I want to point out, that for the first time in my life I'm being true to myself. I don't wear what people want me to wear, I don't do what people want me to do, and I don't act the way people want me to act. Bryce and I now own our first home, and we are happily decorating and renovating it exactly the way we want. It has nothing to do with trends or fads or what other people think it should look like, it's got everything to do with what makes us happy and what makes us comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I've tried on more than a few hats in my life, seeing what fit best for me. I was once really an outcast and didn't fit anywhere, so I tried being a little bit punky (and failed miserably), I tried being goth and apathetic (also failed miserably), I played soccer for awhile and tried out the jock type role (which REALLY didn't last), I went preppy after that, and then went hardcore redneck country bumpkin. What a mix huh? I have finally settled into a role all my own. I am a country girl at heart, but I no longer go hunting and skin/butcher animals. I do listen to country music, but mostly just the new stuff. I can take care of myself and others pretty well, but I still need the love of my family and my husband every day.

I don't proclaim to be perfect, or even close for that matter; but I'm happy. I'm pretty near to where I want to be in my life right now. There are naturally a few things missing, but there always will be I imagine. But I have a career that I love, a home that I love, and a husband I desperately adore. I have friends I couldn't live without, and a family that is without a doubt my rock in this sea of chaos.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't found my stable ground, if I hadn't found MY place in my own life. I see others sometimes that still don't have a grasp on who they are and what they stand for, and I wonder what life has in store for them. I know some are meant to be rolling stones, moving from one idea and though to another, but eventually even a rolling stone finds it's resting place.

Today my mind is jumping from one thing to the next, and I can't find something solid to grasp onto. It seems like I have so much going on, that I have no time to rest and enjoy what I have. If I'm not going to the gym, preparing daily meals, getting in my cardio, cleaning the house, fixing up the house, doing laundry, talking to family or spending time with friends, I have very little time to just sit and enjoy the quiet and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe that should be my goal for my next days off. Take an entire day just for me to sort things out in my mind, and get some well deserved mental R & R. Does anyone else feel this way?? Am I the only one to feel like my life is running away without me?

The end of chapter 1...

Well here I am and I have officially completed Nanaimo's Biggest Loser. I started at 263.5 lbs, with an amazing 112.3 lbs of body fat to lose. I was 42.7% body fat, which is insane. My measurements were as follows in inches:

Chest - 50
Waist - 49
Hips - 51
Arms - 16.5
Legs - 30
Calves - 18

Once upon a time I had a lovely hourglass figure. I was a plus size, but I had an hourglass figure. That shape 3 months ago was completely gone. I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely making headway.

I have been pushed, bruised, exhausted and run completely ragged, but it has been worth it. So much so that I have signed up for The Last 20 Pounds Bootcamp. Once again I will be tortured and most days totally exhausted, but in the end I truly believe I will be in the best physical condition I have ever been in.

As of today, my stats have changed. I am down to 229 lbs. I have lost 34.5 pounds on the scale. I now have 58.3 lbs of body fat to lose. Almost half of what I was starting with. My percentage of body fat has gone down significantly, to 25.4% body fat. I have lost a grand total to date, of 54 pounds of body fat. 54 POUNDS! That's insane! And, to make me even happier, my water weight has started to come off. Yay! I'm due for another 20 lbs of water weight to just fall off. According to Joanna it should come off quite quickly, so I'm very much looking forward to that.
My new measurements don't seem that different, but you have to remember that the difference is in INCHES.

Chest - 46 (down 4 inches)
Waist - 43 (down 6 inches)
Hips - 48.5 (down 2.5 inches)
Arms - 13.5 (down 3 inches each arm)
Legs - 26.75 (down 3.25 inches)
Calves - 17 (down 1 inch)

So altogether I have lost 19.75 inches off my body. I have lost 54 lbs of fat, 19.75 inches, and 1 1/2 pant sizes. (hehe I had to add the last one) I've also gone down 2 underwear sizes, and 2 shirt sizes. (from 3x to 1x)

So, I will continue to post through my next program, and I will try to post pictures if we actually get them. The before pictures wound up being "corrupted" on the photographer's computer, so we most likely will never receive them. Sad? Definitely. But there's nothing to really be done about it. Hopefully I'll be able to purchase myself a hot outfit and post pictures of how I look now... and hopefully that will be enough for you all. lol if it's not, I'm sorry, but I really can't help that! Anyways, thanks for reading and sharing my journey with me, and stayed tuned for the next chapter in my weight loss story! Love you all!

Bad Blogger!! BAD!!

lol! I guess I lied on my last post, which means I haven't posted since. hahaha! That's ok though, I've had a couple of crazy weeks so I'm willing to forgive myself. I can't really change if you will or not, but I guess that would be up to you! Well, 3 weeks ago, I weighed in and lost 6.5 lbs in one week. However, I was violently ill the week before, so honestly I wasn't that excited about my loss. I knew I'd pay for it later, and I did. I lost 0 lbs the following week. Surprise surprise! But that's ok, because it keeps with my average of 3 lbs per week. I kind of like having an average, it makes my losses dependable. Last week I lost a total of 4 lbs, which brought my grand total up to 30.5 lbs lost! And one of the best parts is, that I have one more weigh in to go!

Sad news is, I didn't win. I didn't even place in the top 20... but you know what?? That's ok. I feel like I've won. I've lost more weight than I ever have before in my life, and I did it properly. I've accomplished something I never have before, so that makes me feel very accomplished and satisfied. But not too much ;) In fact I've signed up for the Last 20 Pounds Bootcamp, which is the next installation in the Biggest Loser Bootcamps. I will try to post a little more frequently with this bootcamp, as I have no doubt that this one is going to be quite a bit more difficult and straining.

A couple of weeks back, I had a bit of a rough patch. After I recovered from my stomach flu, I lost all ambition and drive to continue. I didn't want to go to the gym anymore, I didn't want to do diet plans and scheduled meals, I didn't want to give up any more of my time to this program. I was stressed, I was stuck, and I was unhappy. I think I just lost the drive that I had continuously going from the beginning. I had almost a week off of the gym and work, and my body and brain decided that it liked the time off. So, after a week of grumping and groaning, I managed to get my gym mojo back. Which then allowed for my lovely loss of 4 lbs this past week.

I really should have posted all this stuff earlier as it had happened, but for some reason I think I just needed to sort through everything in my head, before writing it all out on my blog. So again I apologize for the lack of posting, but I think I have everything sorted out at this point. We're almost done, and I couldn't be happier! But at the same time I look forward to some even bigger losses in my next program!

Long time no blog!

lol alright alright, I know I haven't posted lately. I'm aware, I'm working on it. Thx. :P I didn't post last week, because it wasn't a very good week for me. And really, I should've posted, because it probably would've made me feel better. Last week I gained a pound. I did NOT take it very well. I know that I'd been working a lot of nights, I know that I've been stressed, and I know I was due for my aunt flo, but I really didn't want to make excuses to myself for why I gained instead of lost. THAT is why it was so hard. I wanted to be realistic about it, but I also didn't want to make excuses. So I was stuck in proverbial weight-loss limbo, feeling bad, for feeling bad, for doing bad. Confused?? Yeah, I was too.

ANYWAYS, onto THIS week! I was finally blessed with my aunt flo (yay right?) ONLY 4 days late, but it finally happened so the floodgates of water retention released and my own personal Hoover Dam let go to allow for a 3.5 pound loss this week! I only care when I'm late when it could affect my weigh in. It's funny how just overnight the water leaves the body after your cycle starts. But thank god for it, or I'd be suffering through another week of disappointment. So, with that 3.5 lb loss, my total weight loss hits a fantastic 20 pounds! Finally! 2 months and 20 pounds! So in theory, by the end of the 3rd month, I should be at a simply fantabulous 30 pounds... I hope. lol we'll have to wait and see!

Also, I got pinched again today! Losses everywhere except in my tricep, I actually gained on that, but the trainer told me that 1 mm is really nothing, and it's probably just water, especially considering that I had considerable loss everywhere else. So, this month I lost an additional 13.69 pounds of body fat, bringing my overall total to 46.68 pounds of body fat lost! I've lost a 4 year old! Nearly 50 lbs of total body fat GONE, and I worked my ass off for every little bit. Literally. My body is starting to feel like my body, not me inside a heavy sack. My husband is defenitely appreciating my new shape, as I can never seem to get his hands off my butt. I'm not complaining, I just find it cute. ;) When I look in the mirror I can tell that my "back fat" is nearly completely gone, my abdomen is flatter, and I'm finding a whole new appreciation for my legs. I had to buy new underwear yesterday. Not because my gonch is all threadbare and disgusting. Oh no. Because my underwear kept sliding down off my ass and disappearing into the baggy depths of my pants. I spent almost all of boxing on friday pulling up my workout pants and underwear. Talk about counterproductive. I should be boxing and sweating and hurting, but instead I suffered from constant wardrobe malfunction! So, a trip to Walmart yesterday yielded 6 new pairs of underpants (and I'm proud to say the first time in YEARS that they didn't come from the plus section) and a new pair of workout pants that (thank goodness) didn't slide down off my butt today. I feel more shapely, and more comfortable. And so I should, my body is smaller all over. Well almost. My chest size hasn't changed a single centimetre this entire time. So now I'm slimmer, but my boobs remain gigantic. So, if you see me all hunched over and can't stand up, please lend a girl a hand and help me straighten back up. lol

Anyhoo, that's the state of me and my fat loss, and all that is accompanying it. I "promise" to post again this week. Really! I promise!

Addiction; it isn't just for drugs and alcohol

Haha, well maybe not fear, maybe just a little apprehensive. It's been such a crazy couple of weeks, with trying to find a house to purchase that fits our current and future needs, trying to actually relax for a change, but still trying to get all scheduled workout times in as well as eat according to the menu plan with no money. Yay! I'm sooo happy I get paid tomorrow, or I'm afraid I'd lose my sanity completely. I'm extremely glad I get to box tomorrow, as it's my favorite workout, and it really relieves a lot of stress. If there's any of you out there who has stress and HASN'T tried boxing yet, I really suggest you try it. Seriously. You don't have to be good, you just have to give it all you've got in each punch. Soooo worth it. It's been such a wild and crazy week that I'm a little nervous for my weigh in on Sunday. I just can't help but wonder, will my extreme fatigue, my lack of precise menu-following and my ridiculous house-hunting stress have any bearing on my weigh in? I don't want it to, but I'm afraid as it's just becoming friday that I really don't have much of a choice in the matter. I've tried to include good food choices on the days where the menu doesn't line up, I've tried to accomodate the correct amount of fibre and protein, and cut back on my carb intake.... but then I have days like today, where because I was out (thankfully I remembered my protein powder) I had to have my protein shake with half water, half 2% milk. Milk. The first actual dairy I've had since the second of January. I feel soooo guilty. Also, I was making cupcakes with my best friend, (which I DIDN'T eat any of, I swear to GOD! I sure wanted to, oh yes y0u bet I did) but upon icing the cupcakes, a glob hit my finger, and I licked it off. I didn't even realize that I had done it, until it was too late. OMG. A big blob of chocolatey, buttery, sugary goodness, completely f#$&ing up my whole day. Great. Lovely. Just what I needed 2 1/2 days before weigh in. Milk, and freaking icing. Oh, and I had tea with my friend as well, so I had a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of milk in my tea. I've tried to be so good, but it seems like today just didn't go well. I really hope I don't pay for it later. Can a half teaspoon of icing, a cup of milk and a teaspoon of sugar really affect my weigh in?? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. But I sure as hell know I didn't get fat over night. It was a gradual thing, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. Perhaps that's the overall fear. That now I've come this far, I'll have a taste of something yummy, and then completely lose control?? That maybe I'll just fall back into my bingeing ways just as I used to be? Food is my addiction, and I'm horrified that I'll eat something unhealthy, and wind up even heavier than before, because I have zero self control. You see, food addiction is so difficult, because unlike drugs and alcohol addiction, you have to eat. You don't need drugs to live, you don't need alcohol to live, in fact you can avoid those by just not frequenting places that sell/supply such items. But food, you need to eat in order to live. You can't say, "yep, I've sworn off food, no more eating for me" because you MUST eat. Conquering food addiction is being able to say "that's enough, I've eaten and I'm satisfied, I don't NEED any more". It's a hard line to define, because when you want it, you always feel like you NEED more. Even when you're full and ready to burst, you feel that need, that craving for more. It's like that feeling you get when you're eating chinese food. You're about to explode but you'll ram one more mouthful down your throat because you want it soooo badly. Only with food addiction, you cross that line with everything you eat. One cookie? nah, you won't feel "good" until the whole box is gone. (and I use the term "good" lightly, because in the end, you really don't feel good about anything.) You feel fat, worthless, ugly and horrible, but instead of hopping on the treadmill or elliptical, instead of going out for a run or hitting the gym, you go back to the FRIDGE and find something else to ease the pain. That was my life for too many years, crying and eating. Eating and crying. Day in, day out. Grade school was my enemy, and food was my weapon. I lost, and I lost bad. I wasn't popular, I wasn't even liked. Kids loved to make fun of me and tease me, and it worked. They knew it worked, because they saw me cry, they saw me get upset. So I'd go home, cry, and eat. The bigger I got, the more they teased, the more I cried and ate. That's something that gets me through each weigh in; next year is my ten year reunion. I will be thinner, I am happy, I am loved, and I didn't need them. Those nasty bitchy girls and boys that made my life hell; they can rot, because I didn't need them at all. They can see me happy, they can see me feeling good about myself, and they can see it all from the back of my finely toned ass because they will all be in my dust.

Come on weigh-in, bring it on. I dare ya.

I got pinched!

Well this evening I went to Fitness Edge with Chelsea, and got pinched. For those who don't know what that means, it means I had my BMI done again. They pinch your fat with these kind of sharp plastic measuring tools, which measures (through simple math) how much body fat you have. When I first had my BMI done, my total pounds of body fat was 112.3 lbs. As of today, I'm down to 79.1 lbs of fat, which means I've lost a grand total of 33.2 lbs of fat!! Which is insane! It doesn't totally make sense to me, because I've only lost 13 lbs so far, but Joanna tried to explain that even though I've only lost 13 lbs, I have lost 33.2 lbs of fat and the weight that is still there (minus the 13 lbs) is actually water weight, which will come off in a month or two. My percentage of body fat has gone down from 42.7% to 31.5%. Joanna suspects that I will be one of the biggest losers so far, if not the biggest loser! Which is pretty awesome I think... but it's only day one of measuring, and I don't know how many people got measured earlier today... We'll see, I still feel pretty good about it, even if I'm not the best, I already feel like I've won! I wish I understood it all a little more, since it is pretty confusing and all. But Joanna has been doing this a long time, so I really feel like I trust that she's not just trying to keep me motivated, that there really are results happening with my body. God I hope so, I didn't sign up for this to wind up disappointed! Anyways that's the state of my little world right now, so far the pain has been worth it, and now I'm really excited to see what the following months will bring!