Week 5

well here I am at the beginning of week 5, and I've had my weigh in. As of today, I have lost 13 lbs! I lost 5 whole pounds this week! That's just the boost I needed, and I really needed it before the workout I had today, because I'm soooo dead... they just destroyed us tonight, and we must have looked wrecked because by the time we were at our last station, the trainer took it pretty easy on us. I really actually thought I was going to throw up this time. Up until about 15 minutes ago actually. But I've made it this far, and with renewed enthusiasm I will continue! I'll post more when I'm more awake, thank heavens for a supportive husband willing to make dinner!

Week 4 starts NOW!

Well it seems I'm not as good about posting to my blog as I thought I would be, but I suppose I also have a full-ish schedule. I had my weigh in. And once again, I was a little disappointed. I only lost 1.5 lbs this week, which is ok I suppose because at least I didn't gain, and every pound counts. But I have noticed that as the program has gone on, that I've deviated from the menu plan. I'm still eating within the "rules" but I'm not often following the menu for the day. So, with this in mind I'm now getting back on track. I'll eat the tuna, the squash and the fish, just so I can get closer to my weight loss goal at the speed I want. lol well maybe not the speed I want, but at a quicker pace. Hopefully I'll get through this week on track and it will show at my next weigh in.

I have started to bring some of my support team with me on my sunday group workout days. (It turns out that they encourage this, so I was totally on board!) Chelsey and Heather came with me this week, and it was so awesome that they were there. It really made me feel like they were totally there for me, and supporting me 100%. Also they are a blast to be around so it defenitely made the whole day more fun. I think it even made it easier for me, because normally I'm going it alone and trying to push through everything on my own, so just knowing they were there, kind of gave me an inner strength, which I really believe helped a lot.

I'm looking forward to my workout today, because as of today the workouts are changing, which is kind of exciting. I have to admit I am a little worried though, that this is week 4 and I haven't lost enough weight yet. Part of me knows that even if I only lose 10 pounds a month, that in 10 months I could lose 100 lbs... But the other part of me wants to be under the 200 mark when this program is done. I might be a tad unrealistic, but it's a hope and a dream that I have, to someday soon be healthy and fit, even if it's healthy and fit at 180lbs. Sometimes I see pictures of me in my last 2 years of high school. I graduated at 214lbs. And you know, I thought I looked pretty ok... If I could get at least to that before the program ended, I'd be over the moon. Because then I would join the next bootcamp (the Last 20 pounds Bootcamp) and get under the 200 mark for the first time in over 10 years. I know I can do it, I'm making myself get through it because I have to. But as I've mentioned before I'm just impatient. But I'm also a little afraid... I'm afraid that after all I've been through with my weight, with diets and everything else, that this won't work. That once again, I will fail because it just won't work for me. Things have a tendency to do that in my life. It's a curse that my family has, if anything could go wrong, it will, plus a little extra. We've never had it easy, and we were ridiculed for it. We couldn't afford fancy clothes, or ponies, or super cool toys, or to go on big fancy vacations every year, so we weren't cool. Add a little obesity into the mix, and us 3 kids were screwed for our k-12 lives. My parents worked damn hard for everything little thing that we got, and for the most part we were grateful. Naturally, we were kids and didn't understand money and why we couldn't have what everyone else had... But looking back on it, we had what we needed and that's what counts. Also to know that my parents practically killed themselves to give us every little luxury they could afford, breaks my heart, because I don't think I appreciated it enough... Anyways enough of that little tangent... The point is I'm going to do this whole thing all the way because if I don't, I won't be able to provide as much as I can to my family. I won't be able to be active, I won't be able to play with the kids I plan to have, I won't be able to live long enough to see grandchildren. That's one of the things that keeps me going, be able to provide for and care for the family I've yet to have. Kind of funny, that you're willing to change your whole life, for people that don't even exist yet...

It's all because of you

I've been so wrapped up in me me me through this whole weight loss journey, that I've completely forgotten to thank the person responsible for it all. Without this person, I can't imagine where I'd be today. In the past 4 years since we met, you've helped me graduate college and get a job, quit smoking, get married, hopefully soon buy a home, to lose the weight that's plagued me my whole life, and above all, you've helped me to be what I've always wanted to be; happy. Granted, there are times when you drive me crazy, like when you leave the cupboard doors open, don't sweep or vaccuum, or when you leave beer cans all over... but you know, it's a big part of why I love you. Naturally I'm referring to my husband Bryce. I couldn't be where I am now without him with me. I honestly don't think I would even be the same person. You give me the confidence for me to be myself, that being a little off my rocker makes me funny, that even though I carry excess weight, I'm still beautiful. When you're with me, I feel like we can accomplish anything, just as long as we are together.

For those that know me, and know me well, you know that I am 2 things. I am a procrastinator. Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow? lol I really never thought I would be in a program like this, but if it wasn't for my husband telling me, that if it's what I really want, I should go for it. We'll find the money, we'll make the time, we'll deal with the change of lifestyle, we'll be fine. I'll never forget that conversation we had the night before I signed up, it changed my life. The second thing that makes me "me", is I'm impatient. That one screams LOUDLY from the rooftops! I know I'm impatient, I want results and I want them NOW!! Bryce may have gotten me to this point, but he's the one that keeps me going. I've already had days where I'm exhausted, worn out, sore and not wanting to make dinner or eat snacks or hit the gym for my cardio... Sometimes I feel like "what's the point? I'm not really getting results anyway..." and for me, I really feel like I'm not, and only because some sick twisted part of my brain tells me that I should lose all 100 pounds over night. Just wake up and POOF! All gone! I know it's impossible, but when I get into those funky moods, it doesn't matter what you tell me. Bryce keeps me level, he keeps me grounded. He reminds me of why I'm doing this, it's not for immediate results, it's for my health, so I'll be there with him as we grow older, so I don't die prematurely from diabetes and heart disease. Whenever I want to quit because my weigh ins are low, or my muscles or sore, or my body is tired, I just think about him. I think about the family we want to have some day, and how it would affect them all if something happened to me. It's not all about me anymore, it's about the people I love.

So here's a great big blog "Thank You", to my wonderful, loving, caring husband. Without you I'd be lost, without you part of me would be empty.

I love you honeybear.

Getting Harder

Well it's the middle of week 3, and it's getting a lot harder. Not just the workouts, but the lifestyle. It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and hit the gym. It's getting harder to follow the diet regime as it's so time consuming on a shift work schedule. But yes, it's defenitely getting harder on my body. It took me about 15 minutes to get out of bed this morning because my body was so stiff. From lifting weights my shoulders feel tight and achy, my one hip feels nearly out of joint, and my legs... well they just haven't stopped hurting yet. I have no idea how I'm going to keep up at this pace. I mean, I've made it almost a full 3 weeks, which is awesome, but I still have 9 more to go. I'm not seeing the results that I want, and in exchange I'm constantly sore and tired. How do people do this to themselves regularily? All the super fit fitness buffs get up as early as 430 just so they can fit in a workout or a run and healthy eating! People weren't meant to live like this! *sigh* maybe it's just because of my cycle coming up, maybe it's just because I'm tired or whatever... But I already feel defeated and it's hardly begun. I can't quit, I won't. But I'll be some choked if I finish and have hardly lost any weight or inches.

I'll get over it I guess, "tomorrow is another day" and so on, I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless and lost, there is no workout or diet plan for that.

wow

seriously, wow. I didn't realize how many people I know, count on and look for my blog posts to see how I'm doing! It makes me feel good because I know people care enough about me, to join me on this journey. Which is pretty brave, considering I think I look like hell most of the day and am constantly dripping sweat. I have no doubt that I stink etc, but Bryce is hanging in there like a champion. He even made dinner while I was at my workout yesterday! It was a pretty rough one last night, but I made it through it. And it also made for a very exhausting night shift. Today we made it through our entire session with almost no breaks! We did 3 sets of everything with no breaks in between sets! I had some little mini-collapse sessions in between due to pain or exhaustion, but I jumped right back in there as soon as I could. No pain no gain right? But I wasn't about to herniate or something. lol Today is the first day in a couple that I actually really hurt. My hands hurt, my chest hurts (the muscle, don't panic), my legs STILL hurt (one day they might actually not hurt lol I hope) and now for something completely different, my butt hurts. And for once, it's not because I've been sitting around! wohoo!

My clothes are starting to fit better, and I've noticed I feel a lot less like a blob, and just more comfortable in general. When I startede this program, sitting wasn't comfortable, laying wasn't comfortable, standing wasn't comfortable, I couldn't sleep, and I hated myself. I've been sleeping A LOT better since we've started, and I'm confident that I'm actually getting enough rest, without overdoing it. Maybe I'll become a morning person after all?? lmao!! You never know!

Now the moment you've all been waiting for, my weigh-in results! Well, not as good as last week. I need to push harder still, but I know little by little I'll get there. I lost 2.5 lbs this week, which brings my total weight loss to 6 lbs. I'm much more interested however, in the BMI and inches measurement in 2 weeks. I can feel the muscle growing, I can feel the flab shrinking, so it'll be pretty cool to see exactly how many inches I've lost in total. Muscle weighs more than fat right? As long as I don't look like a muscle-bound tank at the end I'll be happy. The weight is one thing, but you can't put a price or a number on being healthy. I WON'T succumb to diabetes or heart disease, I WILL be able to get pregnant and have a family, and I WILL do whatever it takes to get my body in the best condition it's ever been in. I won't get myself down or depressed about minimal loss, at least it's loss, and I feel the difference!

Dread...

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in, and I'm terrified. I'm afraid that maybe I haven't lost any weight at all. I feel like I'm working hard while I'm working out, but afterwards I don't feel that burn anymore, I feel like I'm non-stop eating, and it's HAS to catch up with me at some time. I know I'm NOT cheating on the diet plan, I AM doing all the cardio that's asked of me... I really just fear that I'm not doing enough and for some reason maybe it won't work for me. How can you do everything "right" and have it still not work out? I have no idea, but I have never really been all that lucky, in fact just the opposite. Murphy's law has a home in my family history, I just hope that now I'm no longer a Franklin, that maybe that will change. I've worked so hard already, I just don't want to come to a stand still, not now that I've made the effort and am trying to do the right thing. For me, my family, my friends and my health. I need to lose the weight, I just hope it works.

feeling down

You ever had one of those days where you feel like you could just pack it in?? Give up on everything and just retire to a dark closet in the back room? Yeah... I'm soooo there. No particular reason why I guess, maybe it's because I just found out my workout team is in LAST PLACE for weight loss?? That someone else lost 11 POUNDS in one week?? It feels like no matter how hard I work, I'm not getting anywhere, and it's frustrating. I know that I've only been doing it for just over a week, and it's dumb for me to get all down about it... I just can't help it. I spend so much time trying to be positive and optimistic for everyone else, I guess I just leave none for myself. Also, I keep happening on post after post on facebook of people that are pregnant, 2010 is the year of the baby etc etc.... Not in my world, 2010 is the year of something alright, but I haven't quite figured out what. Maybe it's the year that I stop fussing about everyone else and start taking care of me. That's what this is all about right? For some reason I find it so easy to get down on myself, instead of being happy and proud of me. I always manage to find the negative when it comes to me and my life, instead of being typical optimistic positive Jackie, like I do for everyone else.

Is this normal?? Does everyone get in a funk when they don't see the results they want?? I can't give up, I won't... but sometimes it really makes me want to. Why is this so hard?? Not physically, I can handle the physical stressors, but what's going on in my mind is so much tougher. Maybe I'll feel better once I get my workout in today... get my adrenaline pumping etc so to speak. Ah well, when I'm feeling a bit better I'll post more.