Birth Story

Well everyone's been asking for much wanted details on the labour, delivery, birth, and home coming of our beautiful twins... I'm going to post what I can remember, as it was probably the absolutely craziest day of my life! May be a little graphic or whatever, so you've been warned!

April 13th 2011
I woke up this morning knowing that this would be the day I would be induced. Not necessarily the day the babies would be born, but I knew I would be induced. The day prior I had a non stress test at the hospital, which showed two interesting developments. #1. I had protein in my urine. #2. I had an elevated blood pressure of around 140/90. This shows that I had the beginning stages of pre-eclampsia. So, after the non stress test I had my appointment with my obgyn and midwife, and the decision was made to induce me the following day, April 13th 2011. I woke up around 5 in the morning a little nervous, but mostly really tired. Sleep hadn't been happening much in that week, because unbeknownst to me, my blood pressure and protein in my urine had been causing me to have all sorts of intersting symptoms such as nausea, vomitting, dizziness, insomnia and more. I admit I was extremely relieved to be booked for induction, because with all the symptoms plus being so anxious to have my babies I was really on the edge of my seat to run to the hospital if I had to! So, at 6:45am we headed to the hospital to be admittted to the prenatal unit at the hospital and everything seemed to go as planned. I met with my midwife, and the obstetrician on staff that day, and it was decided that the induction would start with a dose of prostin gel. First I was checked, and I had no idea THAT would be so painful. Turns out my cervix was still long, hard and far far away from being ready for labour. So prostin gel was the first choice to go with to start the softening and shortening process. The gel was administered around 8:00am and the labour cramping and pain started around 20 minutes after that. Apparently induction cramping has a bit more of a burning sensation than natural labour, but since I've never been in labour I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, the cramping was intense, and it did feel a bit "burny", but all I could do was breathe through it and hope it was working. I had to learn how to breathe while I was there, and my midwife was an excellent instructor. Turns out I am an excellent breather also, but I chalk that up to 27 years of breathing experience. So I had to wait the full 6 hours for the gel to work, and around half way I had to have something for pain. I felt really pathetic because of it, but it didn't really help anyways so it was pretty much for nothing. After 6 hours of breathing, moaning and crying, the doctor came back to check me again. Thank god I had such wonderful people there with me, because nothing on this earth could have prepared me for how being checked during a contraction would feel. I cried, I yelled, I damn near broke my best friend's hand. My husband was devastated to see me in such distress that he got emotional, which made me emotional too. So where did the first 6 hours get me? No where. My cervix was completely unchanged. No softening, no shortening, no nothing. So it was clearly too early for the oxytocin, so the next option was a second dose of prostin gel. Damn. Another 6 hours. The contractions and burning was quicker and more intense this time around, and the doctor gave me something more for pain. It helped a bit more to take the edge off, but still I spent 6 more hours crying, moaning, rocking, breathing, and more crying. Lots and lots of crying. So the first dose of prostin was around 8:00am, the second dose was around 2:00 pm, maybe a little later, possibly closer to 3:00pm, I can't be sure. Yes it must have been after 3:00 pm. So by around 10:30 pm the doctor came back (finally, he was late with another delivery so it really felt like forever) after my midwife went and tracked him down. He came in to check me, and this time I was ready to brace for it. I had a hand in each of my hands, I breathed and focused through it and all my effort seemed to help. It wasn't as painful as the prior check, but it was still very very unpleasant. The doctor didn't have good news for me. No change. No shortening, no softening, no nothing. So out came the paperwork. The doctor stated that he felt another dose of prostin would just give me another 6 hours of discomfort, and my blood pressure was continuing to rise, so he felt it would be best to get the babies out sooner rather than later. Done and done. I had no problem with it, because the odds of me going through another 6 hours for nothing was pretty great, and in the end the risks for my health and health of my babies were increasing by the hour. I've had surgery before, I wasn't afraid of it, and I knew that this would be a possibility so I was prepared for it. I filled out the forms I had to (incredibly difficult while crying and contracting by the way) to give the go ahead for the c section. The doctor had to go, but said he would be back by 11:00 pm hopefully to perform the c section. It was funny, because we realized that it would be the same day my cousin Jake was born, and deep down I kind of wished my babies would have their own birthday. Knowing so many people with birthdays in April, made that almost impossible. Interesting how things turn out.... We waited and waited and waited for the doctor to return; we sent out nurses and the midwife to find him, only to discover that the operating room was being held up by another surgery... So we just kept waiting...

C Section; April 14th 2011
The doctor finally got back to us, and by the time he did, it was after midnight. Our babies wound up having their own birthday after all. :) Our midwife gave my husband a pair of scrubs to wear, and he started to get ready. (He looks totally amazing in scrubs by the way, he really needs to find a job where he gets to wear them.) I'm still crying, still contracting, and am getting more and more exhausted. By the time I finally get walked (oh yes, walked, I was not very pleased with this part) down the hall to the operating room I had been in induced labour for almost 17 hours. I was anxious to get the spinal done, just so the pain would stop, but I was also terrified, as I've certainly never had a needle in my spine before. I stood in the waiting area with my Mom, my Dad, my best friend and my husband, fighting contractions every few minutes, waiting anxiously to hurry up and get into the operating room. The doctor appears and smiles, and tells me "guess what? In a few minutes you're going to be a mommy!" and I can't help but tear up, not from pain this time, but from joy. I get lead into the operating room where about a dozen attending surgeons, nurses, anaesthetists etc are waiting, and my midwife rubs my back. I get lead to the operating table and get helped up onto it in a sitting position. My midwife and anaesthetist direct me to lean over my midwife and push my back out, and be very very still. They cover my back with that nasty yellowish brown sterile solution, which was so cold it made every contraction so much worse. My body is shivering and shaking, and aching all over. I couldn't help but think that it felt like I had the flu. The anaesthetist tells me I'll feel a little bee sting, which is the numbing agent they use before they do the spinal block. Then I start to get scared, they tell me again to push my back out and be still, while the anaesthetist begins the spinal. He tells me that my feet will start to feel warm, and then my legs will get tingly. I need to tell him when my feet feel warm. The strangest and most comforting feeling ever. Honestly. After feeling so rough all day, that lovely warming feeling starting at my toes creeping up my legs was something I can't even explain. After the warmth, it began to feel like pins and needles, which is exactly what is supposed to happen. I tell the doctor that my feet feel warm, and everyone in the team around me gathers and swings me up onto my back. So quick and efficient, I barely remember it happening. The sheets went up to hide my view, and my husband came in. I remember looking up and being able to see a tiny bit of reflection on a metal grate on the ceiling, so I was able to see a very muddled vision of what was happening... mostly just color. Bryce sat beside me, and we asked each other if we were ok. We both nodded and he smiled. I was told I would feel them all touching me, but I wouldn't feel pain. They were so quiet I had no idea when the first incision was made, all I remember is when they said I would feel some pressure, which I did not. All of a sudden the doctor broke out in song, singing haapy birthday to my little boy, it was 1:06am. They whisked him around to see me and Bryce, and asked him if he wanted to go with them to recovery to see his son. He went and my midwife took his place. Soon after, another song for my baby girl, it was 1:07am. She was brought around to see me, so quickly I barely saw either of them. She was then whisked away too. I asked if they were ok, if they were alright, I was told, that they were perfect. :)

Recovery
I saw my baby girl first, once I made it back to my room. They handed her to me, and I instantly fell in love. She was beautiful, just as I knew she would be. I asked about my son, and was told that he had some respiratory issues and had to stay in the NICU. I was also told that I could not go see him until my spinal had worn off, which turned out to be at 8:00am that morning. I was devastated. I needed to see my son, but I was reassured it was for observation only, that he was ok. I was up and walking as soon as they would let me, I would have put on any act, any show, done anything in my power to just get into that NICU to see my son. This lead to me overdoing it this day, but I got to see my baby boy and had my baby girl released into my room as well, so it was all worth it. My daughter began her life with my husband and I in our room at 11:00 am that morning, and my son was released at around 8:00pm that evening. It was an incredibly long day, night and day again... and so on and so on... But these gorgeous children, make everything worth it.

so soon

oh yes I know, it's been a long time since i posted, and believe me I have my reasons! But it doesn't matter. I post what I need to, when I need to, because blogging is just one of my many kinds of therapy; I don't always need it, but I use it when I must. :)

It is half past 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. WHAT? I spent most of the day sleeping due to pregnancy exhaustion, I am 36 weeks pregnant with twins (technically full term) but my heart and brain won't stop racing! I have this strange gut feeling that I will be having these babies very soon, maybe a day or two. Up until now, I had many conflicting feelings and emotions about these babies, but laying in bed tonight trying to fall asleep, most of those emotions and feelings just went away....

I was terrified. Honestly, completely terrified. Afraid I wouldn't be a good mom, afraid I wouldn't be able to handle everything, afraid I wouldn't be able to cope... Well that feeling is completely gone. I could lay there and imagine their beautiful little faces, hell I still can sitting here staring at this screen. I look at my round full belly, and for once I don't feel resentful for the pain and discomfort, I don't feel afraid for what's to come... I feel excited. I want to meet them, I want to love them, I want to hand our babies to my husband and see the love light up in his face and know he'll be absolutely smitten with them from that moment on. Thinking about the incredible joy we will get to feel, is overwhelming me, a happiness I've never felt and they aren't even out yet.

Contractions have been happening. Don't panic yet, it's been going on for days, and they are ridiculously irregular. In fact I had my non stress test the other day, and it proved that everything is still going swimmingly. One contraction in 12 hours certainly doesn't constitute labour, but I am keeping an eye on it. Because well, you never know right?? No other symptoms yet, except that I'm up, anxious and practically giddy at 3:30 am.

Everyone is so proud!! Every person I've talked to, from family, to friends, to my doctor, to my midwives.... they are all so proud that I've done so well and come so far for my first pregnancy, and carrying two! I however don't feel proud. I feel ashamed and embarassed for not taking everything better, for not coping and not managing well. Women do this all the time and I took it like a toddler having a tantrum. I can't say how I did compared to anyone else because I'm not anyone else, and as it's my first pregnancy, I have absolutely nothing to compare it to... but I don't feel good about it. Feeling as I do tonight, practically bursting at the seams with love for these 2 unborn babies, I feel sad that I hadn't felt more of it sooner. I am glad that despite my issues with discomfort, pain and blood sugars that the babies are doing astoundingly well... growing perfectly, maintaining at a perfect rate all around, and no signs of pre-eclampsia either. I should have tried to be more grateful, to try and push through it more earlier, then maybe I'd be more comfortable now at the end of it. But I can't change how I was, I'll just have to do better once they are born and give them all the love and affection they deserve. They are our miracles; heaven knows how much we love them.

Oh, one last thing, I've only gained 40 pounds. Sounds like a lot I know, but if you factor in around 12 pounds of baby, 4 pounds of amniotic fluid, and 3 pounds of placenta.... I'm really doing pretty darned well. In fact, doctors all agree that within a few months of birth, I will be thinner than before I got pregnant! I take that as a very big win. I'm excited to get out and get exercise again, to jogging the neighbourhood with our bundles in their double stroller, and hitting the gym for drop in kickboxing.... oh yeah, this summer is going to be the best summer ever. I don't need to explain why, it'll be written all over our faces. Life is wonderful, love is plentiful, and our journey.... well it's just barely begun.

Negative Day

That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P

That felt good.

Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.

So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.

Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??

I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.

I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.

So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.

For all the mothers out there

It has recently been brought to my attention, that through my expressing my feelings during my pregnancy, that I may have made some people feel that I don't hold any value to their pregnancy experiences.

I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.

Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.

My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.

Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.

I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.

Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.

I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.


Who is a mother?


Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..

Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.

pregnancy from start to 25 weeks

I just realized I haven't added any photos! So, I'm going to add all of my pregnancy photos, so you can see how I've progressed!

Grateful

Good morning! I have noticed lately I have been slipping back into a funk. Mostly due to discomfort and pain, but considering I have 3 months to go, I need to get my optimism back. So, today this post is all about what I am grateful for during this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.

I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)

I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....

I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.

I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.

I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)

I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".

And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.

PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)

Time for an update!

I was scanning some of my friend's blogs, and caught myself wondering "why haven't they posted recently?? wtf!" then realized I hadn't posted in AGES and therefore guilted myself into making another post. lol it's confusing and complicated, but heck, it got me to post.

Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.

So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.

Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)

Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.

Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)