How it has been, how it will be, how it should be.

well it's been forever since I updated, and my brain is feeling so overloaded with thoughts I figured I should get posting! So, for starters, let's talk about where I'm at. I'm at 17 weeks + 2 days pregnant. Woo! For a twin pregnancy I'm almost half way! (At 19 weeks I will be half way, as they won't let me go beyond 38 weeks). Funny thing is, I'm excited, but I'm also becoming terrified. Not only will I be bringing a beautiful baby into the world in around 21 1/2 weeks, but I will be bringing in TWO. Am I ready? No. Am I emotionally or financially prepared?? HELL no. Do I feel like I have a right to be terrified? Hell YES I do! I'm not wonder woman, and I'm not this great organizing genius that some people portray me to be. It's an illusion. I'm really a great procrastinator, and that's why I organize so early in advance. Because if I don't, it won't get done. End of story. These babies are going to completely turn our lives inside out and upside down. I really don't even think that I even come close to understanding how much, and the not knowing, well that's what scares me.

How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.

So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.

Long time no see!

why have I not posted in nearly a month?? Because I've been dead. Dead to the whole world, due to chronic fatigue and "morning" sickness. Morning being in quotations, because it's not just in the morning, it's pretty much every waking hour! lol but, now that I'm at the 11 week mark (just beyond actually) I'm beginning to finally feel a bit better! My energy level is up, I'm actually accomplishing simple tasks and chores, and I'm not permanently etched into my butt groove on the couch. Things are looking up, and I'm starting to get all excited all over again! Why do you ask?? well for one, I'm awake, coherent and feeling better. (You have nooooo idea what I'm talking about until you've been there. Imagine having the flu for a solid month, and that's exactly where I was.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100%, but I feel MUCH better. The other reason for being excited... well all my friends and family know, that I had my first ultrasound last week, and have discovered that I'm having TWINS! OMFG right!? It was probably the most amazing day of my life, seeing those babies on the monitor. Then, after all the info finding was done by the tech, my mother, best friend, and husband came in to see. There were so many screams in that room, that I bet you could hear us all at Tim Hortons across the parking lot! TWINS! I still can't believe it! But it does explain the intensity of my symptoms, and how almost none of my pants fit already. I really couldn't ask for anything more. A happy life, a darling husband, a wonderful home of our own, and now a family. A whole family! I'm hoping for a boy and a girl, but I'll be ecstatic either way, as long as they are born healthy and safe. What more could a woman want?

hormones hormones everywhere...

well here I am posting at almost midnight on this last full day of summer. Am I sad summer is gone?? HELL NO! I love fall, it's my favorite time of year. Sadly, right now I do not feel happy. I don't feel energized, I don't feel calmed. I feel completely and totally crappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Why?? Why would I feel so sad when I have absolutely everything going for me in my life that I could possibly want?? One word. Hormones. I feel fat, I feel ugly. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I feel angry and frustrated. Am I fat or ugly?? I'm 50 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, and have never ever thought I really was ugly. Do I have any reason to be sad or depressed?? No, as I said a sentence ago, I have everything I could possibly want. Am I alone?? Far from it! As for angry and frustrated, right now EVERYthing makes me feel that way. I'm at home, and the mess makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm too sad and depressed and tired to do anything about it, so I sit around eating getting more fat and ugly. ALL BECAUSE OF HORMONES! None of it makes any sense; not one tiny bit! Everything right now frustrates and angers me to the very point of explosion. Some family, some friends, some home, and LOTS of work. Let's face it, I need a vacation. Fortunately I have a well deserved and very much needed 6 days off in the beginning of October, where I can refuel and recharge, and hopefully find some happy in amidst the hormonal storm. I know it will pass, I know it's only temporary... But seriously, I cannot wait for this phase to be over, because being angry and frustrated and sad all the time, is causing me to be even more worn out. Every day I sleep more and more, which I guess is good, because then I have less time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Anyway, as I type I'm getting more and more tired, so my typing is getting worse and worse... as is my brain power and ability to make coherent sentences. I actually seriously spell checked this... this baby is actually rotting out my brain, I'm so sure of it that... that.... well there's a good example right there. A totally incomplete thought.

A week has passed...

So, an entire week has passed, and I'm feeling oh-so-funky. I have a headcold. One that totally robbed me of my voice yesterday, and today is making my face feel about 20lbs heavier than normal.... (clearly it's moved into my sinuses.) So add some wicked pregnancy symptoms to that and you can bet I'm feeling pretty... ok lousy. Fortunately, at my doctor's appointment last week I had the brain power to ask for some Diclectin for my nausea. It's really only intermittent, like every other day or so, but when it hits bad, it's really bad. I spent last wednesday on the couch for the ENTIRE DAY. Seriously, I got up to pee, and that was it. So now I'm on the nausea/vomiting medication for pregnant women, and it's MUCH more bearable. It doesn't totally go away mind you, but I'm functioning. I have had some new developing symptoms this past week...

First of all, the food cravings have begun. My poor poor husband. A few days ago I damned near bowled over a McDonalds full of people just to get some chocolate milk. That hasn't changed. Today I bought a 4L jug of it. I bet it will be gone by tomorrow. While I dragged my sickly ass through the grocery store to grab said chocolate milk, I saw a can of Chef Boyardee. Welcome craving number 2! It was on sale (thank god) so I grabbed 5 cans. I figured "wow, I'm so hungry I could easily eat two cans at lunch!" so when I got home I grabbed a huge bowl and unloaded the first can. I figured, "well, better start with one and work my way up..." good thing, because I got 3/4 of the way through that can and my stomach started to scream "alright!! that's enough!! Stop!!" hehe, but I don't listen to my stomach so I finished the can. lol Fortunately I didn't get sick, but I bet next time I will.

Along with food cravings, I now have some food aversions. Get this one; chicken breast. Oh yeah. The one thing on earth that we eat more than bread or milk. I made shake and bake chicken breast for dinner, had 2 bites, and went "oh no, not having this..." I pushed it aside completely disgusted, and hoped that it was just the shake and bake making me grossed out. Well, being sick, last night I had soup for supper. Some really yummy looking chicken corn chowder. (something normally reserved for a treat, so clearly it's something I like) Nope. I forced down about half of it, but couldn't do it. Which leads me to the conclusion that it's the chicken. Don't get me wrong, I will try chicken in numerous ways before I give up, but I have a feeling I'm losing this one.

Final random symptom... I HAVE VEINY BOOBS! Seriously, it's nasty. I've always had prominent veins, everywhere really... but now, they are 3 dimensional and yucky, and freaking painful! I mean, my boobs have hurt all along, but now they are in a constant state of horrible bruised feeling. I felt that they were bad before, now they are awful. I feel like each one of my breasts have been run over by a steam roller, then blown back up and filled with sand. Sounds great huh? I'm seriously becoming terrified at the thought of how they will be when my milk comes in *shudder*.

So that's my pregnancy in a nutshell this past week, all weird symptoms, baby brain, sleepiness and sickness. It's awesome. lol thankfully first trimester is over half over, so I can start looking to the sun-shiny glow of the second trimester horizon. *yay*

And then there was puke...

Oh yes, that's right... This morning was my first trip to the porcelain goddess. Stupid thing is, it was probably preventable.

I got up this morning and felt pretty good! No cramps, no nausea, no dizziness! Great right?! Well I got a cup of coffee, and sat to watch tv with my husband. After about 45 minutes I decided to take a shower, and have breakfast after. Ha... idiot. The moment I opened the shower curtain, my baby and therefore my stomach said, "oh no, you're going to eat NOW! OR ELSE!" well I stopped for a moment, looked in the mirror, looked down at the toilet, and BAM! Up came the coffee I had just finished consuming. In between hurls I called out to Bryce to make me some toast asap. He said "what do you want on it??" I said "I don't care! Butter, anything, as long as it's food!" So my lovely man made me some buttered toast, which I quickly ate, and felt better almost instantly. Then I was able to shower. Sheesh, I'm such a moron....

So mental note from now on, get up, eat, drink coffee, carry on with my day. I guess over the years I got so used to not eating breakfast, that now I'm having a hard time adjusting. Well a few more episodes of barfing up my coffee in the morning, should cure that pretty quickly!

new discoveries!

Today (and last night) I made some discoveries. Firstly, night shift is going to be REALLY hard to get used to. I'm already sooo tired all the time, nights just isn't going to work as well as I'd like. But, I am stuck with it, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to manage. Second discovery (and my favorite) my baby LOVES poached eggs on toast. How do I know??? Although I already enjoyed this breakfast very much, today it was what I craved as soon as I woke up, and as soon as I had the first bite, it was like a mini orgasm in my mouth. Oh yes, it was THAT good. lol

I am also trying to track my baby's development. Yesterday, at the 5 week mark (on the dot!) his/her heart started beating. How cool is that?!My little seed-sized baby is growing and developing so much each day, it's so exciting! I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could enjoy it that much more... but I assure you, my dreams are filled with nothing but visions of my baby and what our future will look like. I may not appear excited through glassy eyes and the black circles and bags under them, but deep inside, I'm totally beside myself with joy. :)

Good Morning World!

Once again starting the day with a smile on my face! Well, at first I wasn't. Today I have learned a valuable lesson... or two. lol First, I have realized that the first 20 minutes or so after I wake up, are when I feel best during the day. No cramping, no nausea, no dizziness, no nothing! If I wasn't so ecstatic about being pregnant, I probably wouldn't even remember that I was at all until after I had my coffee! Second lesson, and the largest, is to stay off of the freaking internet! I was feeling a little stiff this morning, my shoulders and back were aching a bit and needed to be stretched out. Well naturally what I do first is look up "pregnancy + shoulder pain" on google. IDIOT! First bunch of items that come up, is all about preeclampsia. So, I read and I begin to panic, meanwhile as I move around the achiness goes away, and I realize that I have NONE of the other symptoms of preeclampsia. So I got myself all panicked and worried for nothing.

So today, I have officially banned myself from looking pregnancy worries up on the internet. I will take all my questions and concerns to my midwife. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Get ourselves all worked up in a tizzy over a symptom that could be anything or nothing?? Why do we feel the drive to look crap up on the internet, then get all panicked over what we read, as if what is written on every page is gospel? Because we are hormonal; every emotion and feeling is enhanced to the point where we are either extremely happy, or feeling the absolute WORST is going to happen. Yeesh, where's the cure for THAT during pregnancy?? I can handle the nausea, the cramping, the headaches, the dizziness, the sore boobs, all of it! But the hormones, THAT is what's going to kill me first!