so soon

oh yes I know, it's been a long time since i posted, and believe me I have my reasons! But it doesn't matter. I post what I need to, when I need to, because blogging is just one of my many kinds of therapy; I don't always need it, but I use it when I must. :)

It is half past 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. WHAT? I spent most of the day sleeping due to pregnancy exhaustion, I am 36 weeks pregnant with twins (technically full term) but my heart and brain won't stop racing! I have this strange gut feeling that I will be having these babies very soon, maybe a day or two. Up until now, I had many conflicting feelings and emotions about these babies, but laying in bed tonight trying to fall asleep, most of those emotions and feelings just went away....

I was terrified. Honestly, completely terrified. Afraid I wouldn't be a good mom, afraid I wouldn't be able to handle everything, afraid I wouldn't be able to cope... Well that feeling is completely gone. I could lay there and imagine their beautiful little faces, hell I still can sitting here staring at this screen. I look at my round full belly, and for once I don't feel resentful for the pain and discomfort, I don't feel afraid for what's to come... I feel excited. I want to meet them, I want to love them, I want to hand our babies to my husband and see the love light up in his face and know he'll be absolutely smitten with them from that moment on. Thinking about the incredible joy we will get to feel, is overwhelming me, a happiness I've never felt and they aren't even out yet.

Contractions have been happening. Don't panic yet, it's been going on for days, and they are ridiculously irregular. In fact I had my non stress test the other day, and it proved that everything is still going swimmingly. One contraction in 12 hours certainly doesn't constitute labour, but I am keeping an eye on it. Because well, you never know right?? No other symptoms yet, except that I'm up, anxious and practically giddy at 3:30 am.

Everyone is so proud!! Every person I've talked to, from family, to friends, to my doctor, to my midwives.... they are all so proud that I've done so well and come so far for my first pregnancy, and carrying two! I however don't feel proud. I feel ashamed and embarassed for not taking everything better, for not coping and not managing well. Women do this all the time and I took it like a toddler having a tantrum. I can't say how I did compared to anyone else because I'm not anyone else, and as it's my first pregnancy, I have absolutely nothing to compare it to... but I don't feel good about it. Feeling as I do tonight, practically bursting at the seams with love for these 2 unborn babies, I feel sad that I hadn't felt more of it sooner. I am glad that despite my issues with discomfort, pain and blood sugars that the babies are doing astoundingly well... growing perfectly, maintaining at a perfect rate all around, and no signs of pre-eclampsia either. I should have tried to be more grateful, to try and push through it more earlier, then maybe I'd be more comfortable now at the end of it. But I can't change how I was, I'll just have to do better once they are born and give them all the love and affection they deserve. They are our miracles; heaven knows how much we love them.

Oh, one last thing, I've only gained 40 pounds. Sounds like a lot I know, but if you factor in around 12 pounds of baby, 4 pounds of amniotic fluid, and 3 pounds of placenta.... I'm really doing pretty darned well. In fact, doctors all agree that within a few months of birth, I will be thinner than before I got pregnant! I take that as a very big win. I'm excited to get out and get exercise again, to jogging the neighbourhood with our bundles in their double stroller, and hitting the gym for drop in kickboxing.... oh yeah, this summer is going to be the best summer ever. I don't need to explain why, it'll be written all over our faces. Life is wonderful, love is plentiful, and our journey.... well it's just barely begun.

Negative Day

That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P

That felt good.

Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.

So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.

Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??

I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.

I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.

So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.

For all the mothers out there

It has recently been brought to my attention, that through my expressing my feelings during my pregnancy, that I may have made some people feel that I don't hold any value to their pregnancy experiences.

I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.

Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.

My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.

Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.

I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.

Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.

I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.


Who is a mother?


Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..

Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.

Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.

pregnancy from start to 25 weeks

I just realized I haven't added any photos! So, I'm going to add all of my pregnancy photos, so you can see how I've progressed!

Grateful

Good morning! I have noticed lately I have been slipping back into a funk. Mostly due to discomfort and pain, but considering I have 3 months to go, I need to get my optimism back. So, today this post is all about what I am grateful for during this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.

I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)

I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....

I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.

I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.

I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)

I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".

And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.

PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)

Time for an update!

I was scanning some of my friend's blogs, and caught myself wondering "why haven't they posted recently?? wtf!" then realized I hadn't posted in AGES and therefore guilted myself into making another post. lol it's confusing and complicated, but heck, it got me to post.

Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.

So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.

Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)

Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.

Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)

New perspective!

This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.

Well no more.

No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.

I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.

I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.

I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.

And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.

My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.