hormones hormones everywhere...

well here I am posting at almost midnight on this last full day of summer. Am I sad summer is gone?? HELL NO! I love fall, it's my favorite time of year. Sadly, right now I do not feel happy. I don't feel energized, I don't feel calmed. I feel completely and totally crappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Why?? Why would I feel so sad when I have absolutely everything going for me in my life that I could possibly want?? One word. Hormones. I feel fat, I feel ugly. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I feel angry and frustrated. Am I fat or ugly?? I'm 50 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, and have never ever thought I really was ugly. Do I have any reason to be sad or depressed?? No, as I said a sentence ago, I have everything I could possibly want. Am I alone?? Far from it! As for angry and frustrated, right now EVERYthing makes me feel that way. I'm at home, and the mess makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm too sad and depressed and tired to do anything about it, so I sit around eating getting more fat and ugly. ALL BECAUSE OF HORMONES! None of it makes any sense; not one tiny bit! Everything right now frustrates and angers me to the very point of explosion. Some family, some friends, some home, and LOTS of work. Let's face it, I need a vacation. Fortunately I have a well deserved and very much needed 6 days off in the beginning of October, where I can refuel and recharge, and hopefully find some happy in amidst the hormonal storm. I know it will pass, I know it's only temporary... But seriously, I cannot wait for this phase to be over, because being angry and frustrated and sad all the time, is causing me to be even more worn out. Every day I sleep more and more, which I guess is good, because then I have less time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Anyway, as I type I'm getting more and more tired, so my typing is getting worse and worse... as is my brain power and ability to make coherent sentences. I actually seriously spell checked this... this baby is actually rotting out my brain, I'm so sure of it that... that.... well there's a good example right there. A totally incomplete thought.

A week has passed...

So, an entire week has passed, and I'm feeling oh-so-funky. I have a headcold. One that totally robbed me of my voice yesterday, and today is making my face feel about 20lbs heavier than normal.... (clearly it's moved into my sinuses.) So add some wicked pregnancy symptoms to that and you can bet I'm feeling pretty... ok lousy. Fortunately, at my doctor's appointment last week I had the brain power to ask for some Diclectin for my nausea. It's really only intermittent, like every other day or so, but when it hits bad, it's really bad. I spent last wednesday on the couch for the ENTIRE DAY. Seriously, I got up to pee, and that was it. So now I'm on the nausea/vomiting medication for pregnant women, and it's MUCH more bearable. It doesn't totally go away mind you, but I'm functioning. I have had some new developing symptoms this past week...

First of all, the food cravings have begun. My poor poor husband. A few days ago I damned near bowled over a McDonalds full of people just to get some chocolate milk. That hasn't changed. Today I bought a 4L jug of it. I bet it will be gone by tomorrow. While I dragged my sickly ass through the grocery store to grab said chocolate milk, I saw a can of Chef Boyardee. Welcome craving number 2! It was on sale (thank god) so I grabbed 5 cans. I figured "wow, I'm so hungry I could easily eat two cans at lunch!" so when I got home I grabbed a huge bowl and unloaded the first can. I figured, "well, better start with one and work my way up..." good thing, because I got 3/4 of the way through that can and my stomach started to scream "alright!! that's enough!! Stop!!" hehe, but I don't listen to my stomach so I finished the can. lol Fortunately I didn't get sick, but I bet next time I will.

Along with food cravings, I now have some food aversions. Get this one; chicken breast. Oh yeah. The one thing on earth that we eat more than bread or milk. I made shake and bake chicken breast for dinner, had 2 bites, and went "oh no, not having this..." I pushed it aside completely disgusted, and hoped that it was just the shake and bake making me grossed out. Well, being sick, last night I had soup for supper. Some really yummy looking chicken corn chowder. (something normally reserved for a treat, so clearly it's something I like) Nope. I forced down about half of it, but couldn't do it. Which leads me to the conclusion that it's the chicken. Don't get me wrong, I will try chicken in numerous ways before I give up, but I have a feeling I'm losing this one.

Final random symptom... I HAVE VEINY BOOBS! Seriously, it's nasty. I've always had prominent veins, everywhere really... but now, they are 3 dimensional and yucky, and freaking painful! I mean, my boobs have hurt all along, but now they are in a constant state of horrible bruised feeling. I felt that they were bad before, now they are awful. I feel like each one of my breasts have been run over by a steam roller, then blown back up and filled with sand. Sounds great huh? I'm seriously becoming terrified at the thought of how they will be when my milk comes in *shudder*.

So that's my pregnancy in a nutshell this past week, all weird symptoms, baby brain, sleepiness and sickness. It's awesome. lol thankfully first trimester is over half over, so I can start looking to the sun-shiny glow of the second trimester horizon. *yay*

And then there was puke...

Oh yes, that's right... This morning was my first trip to the porcelain goddess. Stupid thing is, it was probably preventable.

I got up this morning and felt pretty good! No cramps, no nausea, no dizziness! Great right?! Well I got a cup of coffee, and sat to watch tv with my husband. After about 45 minutes I decided to take a shower, and have breakfast after. Ha... idiot. The moment I opened the shower curtain, my baby and therefore my stomach said, "oh no, you're going to eat NOW! OR ELSE!" well I stopped for a moment, looked in the mirror, looked down at the toilet, and BAM! Up came the coffee I had just finished consuming. In between hurls I called out to Bryce to make me some toast asap. He said "what do you want on it??" I said "I don't care! Butter, anything, as long as it's food!" So my lovely man made me some buttered toast, which I quickly ate, and felt better almost instantly. Then I was able to shower. Sheesh, I'm such a moron....

So mental note from now on, get up, eat, drink coffee, carry on with my day. I guess over the years I got so used to not eating breakfast, that now I'm having a hard time adjusting. Well a few more episodes of barfing up my coffee in the morning, should cure that pretty quickly!

new discoveries!

Today (and last night) I made some discoveries. Firstly, night shift is going to be REALLY hard to get used to. I'm already sooo tired all the time, nights just isn't going to work as well as I'd like. But, I am stuck with it, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to manage. Second discovery (and my favorite) my baby LOVES poached eggs on toast. How do I know??? Although I already enjoyed this breakfast very much, today it was what I craved as soon as I woke up, and as soon as I had the first bite, it was like a mini orgasm in my mouth. Oh yes, it was THAT good. lol

I am also trying to track my baby's development. Yesterday, at the 5 week mark (on the dot!) his/her heart started beating. How cool is that?!My little seed-sized baby is growing and developing so much each day, it's so exciting! I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could enjoy it that much more... but I assure you, my dreams are filled with nothing but visions of my baby and what our future will look like. I may not appear excited through glassy eyes and the black circles and bags under them, but deep inside, I'm totally beside myself with joy. :)

Good Morning World!

Once again starting the day with a smile on my face! Well, at first I wasn't. Today I have learned a valuable lesson... or two. lol First, I have realized that the first 20 minutes or so after I wake up, are when I feel best during the day. No cramping, no nausea, no dizziness, no nothing! If I wasn't so ecstatic about being pregnant, I probably wouldn't even remember that I was at all until after I had my coffee! Second lesson, and the largest, is to stay off of the freaking internet! I was feeling a little stiff this morning, my shoulders and back were aching a bit and needed to be stretched out. Well naturally what I do first is look up "pregnancy + shoulder pain" on google. IDIOT! First bunch of items that come up, is all about preeclampsia. So, I read and I begin to panic, meanwhile as I move around the achiness goes away, and I realize that I have NONE of the other symptoms of preeclampsia. So I got myself all panicked and worried for nothing.

So today, I have officially banned myself from looking pregnancy worries up on the internet. I will take all my questions and concerns to my midwife. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Get ourselves all worked up in a tizzy over a symptom that could be anything or nothing?? Why do we feel the drive to look crap up on the internet, then get all panicked over what we read, as if what is written on every page is gospel? Because we are hormonal; every emotion and feeling is enhanced to the point where we are either extremely happy, or feeling the absolute WORST is going to happen. Yeesh, where's the cure for THAT during pregnancy?? I can handle the nausea, the cramping, the headaches, the dizziness, the sore boobs, all of it! But the hormones, THAT is what's going to kill me first!

5 weeks and counting!

Good morning world! Anyone noticed a change in my outlook and perspective?? could I possibly be any more happy?! Every day I wake up with a protective hand on my tummy, say "good morning little one" to my tiny child, and instantly start smiling. It is truly one of the most wonderful things to ever happen in my life, and despite the nausea, cramping, dizziness and sore boobs, it is a hundred time worth it! I could be sick in bed for days, and I would still be able to get out a little smile, and talk to my baby. Life is wonderful.

Nothing much has really changed, except my cramping has gone down substantially. In fact it's nearly gone. (woo!) The pain overall wasn't really that bad, just nerve-wracking. So I'm glad that stage (for now) is over. Other than that, things pretty much remain the same. All I can think is how long the next 8 1/2 months are going to be. I want to feel the baby! I want to have a big popped out tummy! But sadly I have months to wait for both of those things, and as many of you know, I am NOT a patient person! But, I would rather wait, than have a premature child, so this month I will strive to learn patience.