I said it. I have it. There. I can't go on denying it, I can't go on hiding it. I have been a mess; I drank, I smoked, I took antidepressants. I'm not asking anyone to like it, it just is what it is. I won't sugar coat my behavior, I know it was wrong and it wasn't helpful, but there it is. I want to be wonder wife and super mom, but I am not. I'm trying, but I have reached a minor epiphany.
There is no wonder wife. No super mom.
I have been fighting so hard to be something that doesn't even exist. That little piece of knowledge gives me a little bit of relief. My next bit of relief comes from this post. I have been hiding all this for months, and the strength I'm using up bottling this in, could definitely be used elsewhere. I have struggled, I have cried, I have hit bottom. I have fought with my husband and hidden from my friends. I know what it's like to have everyone tell me how lucky I am, and still carry around a gray cloud of sadness. I know I'm lucky, and I am grateful, but that's not what this is about. Don't judge me, I have done enough of that all on my own.
So there is my simplistic confession... But don't think for a moment that it's that simple. It's a very complicated situation to be a new mommy (or second, third, fourth time mommy) with post partum depression. The simplistic way I've written this is to ease ME through this, not to paint an inaccurate picture of what myself and other mommies go through every day.
I would not be posting this if it wasn't for the many blogs I have come across lately, with lots of other mommies going through exactly the same thing. You give me strength ladies, your open and honest accounts of your lives every day helps me remember that I am not the only one with this problem. I am not a bad wife and mother for going through this, I am just me. I will get through this, I know it; but it doesn't mean the journey will be easy... But I will get there, one baby (haha) step at a time.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Good Enough
I've been meaning to post for awhile, because I need to get some thoughts and feelings out, but I just haven't managed to get around to it until now.
Ever wonder if you're good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? Wife? Sister? Friend? Daughter? I'm not here to host a pity party, it's just how I've been feeling lately.
For those who aren't aware, I'm depressed.
I've been struggling with my own being, my own self. To me, it's been a hard realization as to how much my life has changed. I knew it would change; a lot. But part of me was hoping that I would still get to be me. I'm not. Somehow I've lost myself and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm sure things will all get figured out, but those who know me well, know that I'm not a patient person.
Nowadays I find myself wondering that original question... Am I good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? I have several friends that are trying and have been trying so desperately to nurse their babies. I listen to their stories and read their posts, and find myself rooting for them, to do what they so desperately want and need to do. So I question myself, why didn't I root harder for myself?? Did I give up nursing too early? I gave up so quickly, and even gave up pumping because it was "too hard". What is "too hard"? I've talked to twin mommas who nursed exclusively for months. MONTHS! Nearly a year in most cases! And those that didn't, pumped. Pumped their little hearts out for their little angels, also for months. After 6 weeks, I was done. I gave up, I quit. Why didn't I try harder?? How come I couldn't just suck it up and do what's best for my babies?? I look back and wish I had. All I've ever wanted to do, was what is best for my children, but I was so selfish for my own ease and comfort I put myself first and them second. I try not to dwell on my choices, but it's often so hard not to. I have other friends that cloth diaper. I used a diaper service for 4 months, and was exclusively cloth diapering for that entire time. Because of cost, we switched to disposables. Also because of ease. I didn't want to fork out the hundreds of dollars on cloth diapers, and I also didn't want to wash them. Was it what's best for my babies?? I don't know. Is it what's best for the environment?? No. I've never been an environmentalist, a green peace activist or a health nut. (I certainly don't want to offend anyone who might be, so please don't take it that way if you are any of those things). I have made conscious choices for my family, and I look back at them all and wonder if I made the right ones. I see so many moms giving every last ounce of their strength, will, and dollars for their babies and I can't help but feel like a failure. I could have done more, I could have worked harder, I could have done better. I watch my tiny babies and see one rolling around, trying to crawl, and being generally very happy. I see the other, who hasn't roller over at all (ever) and somehow I feel like it's my fault. Am I spending enough time with him? Am I working hard enough for him to help him develop and grow and learn as much as his sister? Have I done something wrong to curb his development? What can I do to help him? I put him on his tummy, and he lays for a bit, then fusses because he doesn't like it. So he winds up back on his back (entirely by my assistance) and just lays there. Often he smiles, but often he doesn't play with toys, doesn't interact with his sister, doesn't even try. What have I done that he's so far behind his sister?? Is it my fault? Will he catch up? With all the reassurance in the world, I'm still haunted by all these questions and feelings. I want to be a good mother, but right now with the choices I've made, I don't feel I measure up.
Am I a good enough wife? I'm sure my husband will say so, but often I don't feel I am. I don't always have all the chores done, I don't always have dinner ready on time, I don't give him enough attention, I don't show him enough love. I haven't figured out the balance of our family life, and I'm not sure how. I already feel like I don't spend enough one on one time with our children, so how can I spare that to spend time with my husband?? How can I not do the chores that are required to keep our home clean and therefore our family healthy? How can I not be so tired in the evening so once the kids go to bed we can actually spend time together instead of me slothing around the house like a zombie? I don't have the answers for this either.
I'm a terrible sister. I rarely talk to either of my siblings, mostly because I never know what to talk about. We have nothing in common, and never really have. It feels like we're on two different ends of the planet when it comes to interests, so I find myself at a loss for conversation. They aren't particularily interested in what I have to say because we don't have the same interests, and I always find myself lost when they try to talk about their hobbies, likes and dislikes because we are so different, and I hate it so much when our conversations just turn into arguements. We are so different, so we clash. I envy my friends and husband who are so close with their siblings that they can talk, hang out, and have a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I try to fix things and make things better, but mostly I just feel like I've failed them. I should always try harder, and somehow somewhere I feel like I've given up. I need to try harder, but I don't know where to start.
I'm a terrible friend. Don't try and defend me, it's true. There are so many of you that are such wonderful people, that you will step in and say "hold on, you're a great person and friend!!... etc etc" but that's just because you are wonderful people. I'm extremely lucky to have you. I've let you down too. I forget birthdays, events and get togethers. I make excuses to not go out. I forget to return things I've borrowed. I don't give or send cards for special occasions. I often forget gifts. I ask favors for which I cannot possibly repay. I don't make phonecalls, impromptu visits, or enough time. I'm not grateful enough. I don't know how to properly say thankyou, or ask for help. I can say the words, but actions speak louder right? I haven't helped anyone move, renovate, redecorate or mind their children when they needed. I offer to help, but I rarely just give it because it's needed. I don't spend the time I should, and I could make all kinds of excuses for my actions, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Don't make excuses for me either, it doesn't make me a better person.
A good enough daughter? I don't know. I try. But I don't try hard enough. I should be visiting my parents, not just them always coming here. I should be dropping in to help with fixing up the house, the yard, chores, or just to be company. I ask favors and give none. My parents are wonderful loving people, and they deserve better. I won't go on, because they don't use the internet, have facebook, or want their personal matters posted on the internet. So to sum up, no. I'm not good enough.
So with all that, I feel not good enough. Maybe it's the depression talking, maybe it's the truth. Everything I've stated is true, but I didn't list the good things. I'm normally the person that's optimistic, and always looking on the bright side. I lost my optimism somewhere, and I think it started somewhere during my pregnancy. I still try, I still try and think of the good things, the fortunate things, but the dark cloud of negativity overwhelms me. Perhaps that's what is missing from me. I'm really not sure, all I know is how I feel. Tired, frustrated, empty. I get angry because I can't find myself, I feel empty without it. It's hard to fix a problem when you don't really know what the problem is, or even where to start. I try to put a big smiling face on and tell everyone things are great... They aren't great. My husband is wonderful, my kids are amazing. The problem is me.
Again, I wish to state that nothing in this post was meant to offend, hurt or point fingers at anyone. I just need to lay all my thoughts and feelings out, so hopefully I can find a solution. <3
Ever wonder if you're good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? Wife? Sister? Friend? Daughter? I'm not here to host a pity party, it's just how I've been feeling lately.
For those who aren't aware, I'm depressed.
I've been struggling with my own being, my own self. To me, it's been a hard realization as to how much my life has changed. I knew it would change; a lot. But part of me was hoping that I would still get to be me. I'm not. Somehow I've lost myself and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm sure things will all get figured out, but those who know me well, know that I'm not a patient person.
Nowadays I find myself wondering that original question... Am I good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? I have several friends that are trying and have been trying so desperately to nurse their babies. I listen to their stories and read their posts, and find myself rooting for them, to do what they so desperately want and need to do. So I question myself, why didn't I root harder for myself?? Did I give up nursing too early? I gave up so quickly, and even gave up pumping because it was "too hard". What is "too hard"? I've talked to twin mommas who nursed exclusively for months. MONTHS! Nearly a year in most cases! And those that didn't, pumped. Pumped their little hearts out for their little angels, also for months. After 6 weeks, I was done. I gave up, I quit. Why didn't I try harder?? How come I couldn't just suck it up and do what's best for my babies?? I look back and wish I had. All I've ever wanted to do, was what is best for my children, but I was so selfish for my own ease and comfort I put myself first and them second. I try not to dwell on my choices, but it's often so hard not to. I have other friends that cloth diaper. I used a diaper service for 4 months, and was exclusively cloth diapering for that entire time. Because of cost, we switched to disposables. Also because of ease. I didn't want to fork out the hundreds of dollars on cloth diapers, and I also didn't want to wash them. Was it what's best for my babies?? I don't know. Is it what's best for the environment?? No. I've never been an environmentalist, a green peace activist or a health nut. (I certainly don't want to offend anyone who might be, so please don't take it that way if you are any of those things). I have made conscious choices for my family, and I look back at them all and wonder if I made the right ones. I see so many moms giving every last ounce of their strength, will, and dollars for their babies and I can't help but feel like a failure. I could have done more, I could have worked harder, I could have done better. I watch my tiny babies and see one rolling around, trying to crawl, and being generally very happy. I see the other, who hasn't roller over at all (ever) and somehow I feel like it's my fault. Am I spending enough time with him? Am I working hard enough for him to help him develop and grow and learn as much as his sister? Have I done something wrong to curb his development? What can I do to help him? I put him on his tummy, and he lays for a bit, then fusses because he doesn't like it. So he winds up back on his back (entirely by my assistance) and just lays there. Often he smiles, but often he doesn't play with toys, doesn't interact with his sister, doesn't even try. What have I done that he's so far behind his sister?? Is it my fault? Will he catch up? With all the reassurance in the world, I'm still haunted by all these questions and feelings. I want to be a good mother, but right now with the choices I've made, I don't feel I measure up.
Am I a good enough wife? I'm sure my husband will say so, but often I don't feel I am. I don't always have all the chores done, I don't always have dinner ready on time, I don't give him enough attention, I don't show him enough love. I haven't figured out the balance of our family life, and I'm not sure how. I already feel like I don't spend enough one on one time with our children, so how can I spare that to spend time with my husband?? How can I not do the chores that are required to keep our home clean and therefore our family healthy? How can I not be so tired in the evening so once the kids go to bed we can actually spend time together instead of me slothing around the house like a zombie? I don't have the answers for this either.
I'm a terrible sister. I rarely talk to either of my siblings, mostly because I never know what to talk about. We have nothing in common, and never really have. It feels like we're on two different ends of the planet when it comes to interests, so I find myself at a loss for conversation. They aren't particularily interested in what I have to say because we don't have the same interests, and I always find myself lost when they try to talk about their hobbies, likes and dislikes because we are so different, and I hate it so much when our conversations just turn into arguements. We are so different, so we clash. I envy my friends and husband who are so close with their siblings that they can talk, hang out, and have a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I try to fix things and make things better, but mostly I just feel like I've failed them. I should always try harder, and somehow somewhere I feel like I've given up. I need to try harder, but I don't know where to start.
I'm a terrible friend. Don't try and defend me, it's true. There are so many of you that are such wonderful people, that you will step in and say "hold on, you're a great person and friend!!... etc etc" but that's just because you are wonderful people. I'm extremely lucky to have you. I've let you down too. I forget birthdays, events and get togethers. I make excuses to not go out. I forget to return things I've borrowed. I don't give or send cards for special occasions. I often forget gifts. I ask favors for which I cannot possibly repay. I don't make phonecalls, impromptu visits, or enough time. I'm not grateful enough. I don't know how to properly say thankyou, or ask for help. I can say the words, but actions speak louder right? I haven't helped anyone move, renovate, redecorate or mind their children when they needed. I offer to help, but I rarely just give it because it's needed. I don't spend the time I should, and I could make all kinds of excuses for my actions, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Don't make excuses for me either, it doesn't make me a better person.
A good enough daughter? I don't know. I try. But I don't try hard enough. I should be visiting my parents, not just them always coming here. I should be dropping in to help with fixing up the house, the yard, chores, or just to be company. I ask favors and give none. My parents are wonderful loving people, and they deserve better. I won't go on, because they don't use the internet, have facebook, or want their personal matters posted on the internet. So to sum up, no. I'm not good enough.
So with all that, I feel not good enough. Maybe it's the depression talking, maybe it's the truth. Everything I've stated is true, but I didn't list the good things. I'm normally the person that's optimistic, and always looking on the bright side. I lost my optimism somewhere, and I think it started somewhere during my pregnancy. I still try, I still try and think of the good things, the fortunate things, but the dark cloud of negativity overwhelms me. Perhaps that's what is missing from me. I'm really not sure, all I know is how I feel. Tired, frustrated, empty. I get angry because I can't find myself, I feel empty without it. It's hard to fix a problem when you don't really know what the problem is, or even where to start. I try to put a big smiling face on and tell everyone things are great... They aren't great. My husband is wonderful, my kids are amazing. The problem is me.
Again, I wish to state that nothing in this post was meant to offend, hurt or point fingers at anyone. I just need to lay all my thoughts and feelings out, so hopefully I can find a solution. <3
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What?? July??! Already?!
K yeah, I was reading my friend Mandy's blog, and she talked about how moms don't have the time to blog... and I realized I hadn't posted since my birth story! Sooo.... I'm going to try really hard to complete a post today! To make sure of that, I'm posting earlier in the morning, after babies have been fed and changed!
So... wow... I don't even know where to start! Babies are huge, and healthy... Well mostly. We had to switch Abigail to Similac Sensitive (which my mother in law has graciously offered to pay for, for the time being), mostly because my little girl was having severe bouts of gas pain, so switching to a sensitive formula seemed to be the correct course of action. Oh yes, for those who don't know, we are not breast feeding. We gave it a good honest shot, it really didn't work out, I really don't want to get into it! lol nothing horrible or traumatic mind you, it was just stressful... You moms know how it is. So, the similac seems to help Abigail, but only to a certain point. She appears to have developed Colic, which is sort of late in the game believe it or not... normally it starts to clear up by now, but in her case it's only just begun. Now I thought that Colic meant horrible bouts of gas etc that lasts on and on through the night... well it turns out it's much more broad than that. Colic is generally defined as bouts of crying lasting 3 or more hours a day (total) for 3 or more days a week, for 3 or more weeks. Colicky episodes normally occur at the same points of the day every time, and normally occur after meals. That doesn't mean that Colic is caused by eating, or by gas or whatever. There have been a lot of studies about Colic, and the general concensus, is that they really don't know what exactly causes it because the causes and solutions are so varied. So, Abigail cries and demands to be held rocked and coddled at around 1:00pm, (which is typically after a long morning nap and then lunch) and around 8:30 - 9:00pm (which is typically after a long awake period and final feeding for the night). For those of you on facebook, take a look at my typical posts of insanity, the times line up. The past week I've learned a lot about Colic, and a lot about my baby girl... What works, what doesn't, and that when she's having one of these spells, it's pretty much only me that can soothe her. Which really sucks at the 1:00pm spell because I'm home alone with them, and my son needs attention too!
On to my son... well he's healthy, and has grown wayyyy faster than Abigail. He's over a pound bigger than her, and the difference is actually visible to the naked eye. They are equally healthy, he's just big! Originally we had them both on the Parent's Choice formula from Walmart, because 1. It's insanely inexpensive in comparison and 2. It's received great reviews from every mom I know that's used it. However, we noticed that Elliott was having trouble pooping. His poops were too formed, and had a strange clay color to it. (Yeah I focus on poo, I'm a care aide, it's a big part of what I do.) He was also struggling to have movements, so we decided to switch him back to what the hospital had him on; Similac. So now we have 2 babies on Similac, one on the sensitive formula and one on Similac Advance. Elliott still only goes every 2 or 3 days, but when he goes, he GOES!! And it's not so much of a struggle for him. The doctor says it's normal for babies to do this, and not to be concerned. I'm trying not to be, but my inner know-it-all has heard and read that babies should poop every day and multiple times a day! Well Abigail only goes once, and it's ALWAYS after her morning feeding. (Seriously she's that regular, I'll feed her, and immediately afterwards, she poops.) Now that we've gone over the great poop situation, I can talk about the other end! Elliott's teething. Oh yeah, almost 12 weeks old, and Elliott appears to be teething. Just on and off mind you, but the signs are all there. The red cheek, the drool, the tell-tale hard white spot on the gumline... But it's not every day that he is cranky, or has the red cheek or drool. But the bump is still there, and it's a canine. Of course my kids have to do things the hard way, it's in their blood afterall.
There was one very major thing I wasn't prepared for... No matter how everyone told me about it, prepared me for it, warned me about it.... I was nowhere near prepared whatsoever, for the love. I had no idea that I could love something so intensely, so fully, and with absolutely everything I have. And I had no idea, that I could possibly have not just that much love for one baby, but I have more than enough for both. I loved them both from conception, I loved them both more from birth... But the real intense wave of all encompassing love started with the smiles. I remember the day when Elliott smiled for real. I was changing his diaper on the changing pad on the dresser, and had just finished dressing him in a new cute little outfit that he was given. I looked down at him, and said "Aren't you a cool lookin' dude?! You handsome boy!" And I got it. A great big open mouthed gummy smile, the whole time looking right at me. I started to laugh, and then I started to cry. I scooped him up into my arms and told him what a good boy he was and how happy he made his mommy. Just thinking about it now makes me teary, because it was probably the most magical moment in my life up to that point. It took a bit longer for Abigail to smile, but when she did, I melted. She has the sweetest most lovely little girl smile, with this adorable little dimple on her left cheek. Just one dimple, and I think that makes her even more special. Elliott still smiles more than Abigail, but every morning, after they have eaten and been changed, they lie side by side on the couch, and are both happy. So happy they are full of coos and smiles and almost giggles. For that brief time during the day, every single day, my heart swells to bursting and I get the overwhelming urge to dive into the baby pile and snuggle them crazy.... And most mornings I do. I get my face right in between both of their cheeks and get little happy cheek hugs from both babies at the same time. That my friends, that is absolute heaven.
So... wow... I don't even know where to start! Babies are huge, and healthy... Well mostly. We had to switch Abigail to Similac Sensitive (which my mother in law has graciously offered to pay for, for the time being), mostly because my little girl was having severe bouts of gas pain, so switching to a sensitive formula seemed to be the correct course of action. Oh yes, for those who don't know, we are not breast feeding. We gave it a good honest shot, it really didn't work out, I really don't want to get into it! lol nothing horrible or traumatic mind you, it was just stressful... You moms know how it is. So, the similac seems to help Abigail, but only to a certain point. She appears to have developed Colic, which is sort of late in the game believe it or not... normally it starts to clear up by now, but in her case it's only just begun. Now I thought that Colic meant horrible bouts of gas etc that lasts on and on through the night... well it turns out it's much more broad than that. Colic is generally defined as bouts of crying lasting 3 or more hours a day (total) for 3 or more days a week, for 3 or more weeks. Colicky episodes normally occur at the same points of the day every time, and normally occur after meals. That doesn't mean that Colic is caused by eating, or by gas or whatever. There have been a lot of studies about Colic, and the general concensus, is that they really don't know what exactly causes it because the causes and solutions are so varied. So, Abigail cries and demands to be held rocked and coddled at around 1:00pm, (which is typically after a long morning nap and then lunch) and around 8:30 - 9:00pm (which is typically after a long awake period and final feeding for the night). For those of you on facebook, take a look at my typical posts of insanity, the times line up. The past week I've learned a lot about Colic, and a lot about my baby girl... What works, what doesn't, and that when she's having one of these spells, it's pretty much only me that can soothe her. Which really sucks at the 1:00pm spell because I'm home alone with them, and my son needs attention too!
On to my son... well he's healthy, and has grown wayyyy faster than Abigail. He's over a pound bigger than her, and the difference is actually visible to the naked eye. They are equally healthy, he's just big! Originally we had them both on the Parent's Choice formula from Walmart, because 1. It's insanely inexpensive in comparison and 2. It's received great reviews from every mom I know that's used it. However, we noticed that Elliott was having trouble pooping. His poops were too formed, and had a strange clay color to it. (Yeah I focus on poo, I'm a care aide, it's a big part of what I do.) He was also struggling to have movements, so we decided to switch him back to what the hospital had him on; Similac. So now we have 2 babies on Similac, one on the sensitive formula and one on Similac Advance. Elliott still only goes every 2 or 3 days, but when he goes, he GOES!! And it's not so much of a struggle for him. The doctor says it's normal for babies to do this, and not to be concerned. I'm trying not to be, but my inner know-it-all has heard and read that babies should poop every day and multiple times a day! Well Abigail only goes once, and it's ALWAYS after her morning feeding. (Seriously she's that regular, I'll feed her, and immediately afterwards, she poops.) Now that we've gone over the great poop situation, I can talk about the other end! Elliott's teething. Oh yeah, almost 12 weeks old, and Elliott appears to be teething. Just on and off mind you, but the signs are all there. The red cheek, the drool, the tell-tale hard white spot on the gumline... But it's not every day that he is cranky, or has the red cheek or drool. But the bump is still there, and it's a canine. Of course my kids have to do things the hard way, it's in their blood afterall.
There was one very major thing I wasn't prepared for... No matter how everyone told me about it, prepared me for it, warned me about it.... I was nowhere near prepared whatsoever, for the love. I had no idea that I could love something so intensely, so fully, and with absolutely everything I have. And I had no idea, that I could possibly have not just that much love for one baby, but I have more than enough for both. I loved them both from conception, I loved them both more from birth... But the real intense wave of all encompassing love started with the smiles. I remember the day when Elliott smiled for real. I was changing his diaper on the changing pad on the dresser, and had just finished dressing him in a new cute little outfit that he was given. I looked down at him, and said "Aren't you a cool lookin' dude?! You handsome boy!" And I got it. A great big open mouthed gummy smile, the whole time looking right at me. I started to laugh, and then I started to cry. I scooped him up into my arms and told him what a good boy he was and how happy he made his mommy. Just thinking about it now makes me teary, because it was probably the most magical moment in my life up to that point. It took a bit longer for Abigail to smile, but when she did, I melted. She has the sweetest most lovely little girl smile, with this adorable little dimple on her left cheek. Just one dimple, and I think that makes her even more special. Elliott still smiles more than Abigail, but every morning, after they have eaten and been changed, they lie side by side on the couch, and are both happy. So happy they are full of coos and smiles and almost giggles. For that brief time during the day, every single day, my heart swells to bursting and I get the overwhelming urge to dive into the baby pile and snuggle them crazy.... And most mornings I do. I get my face right in between both of their cheeks and get little happy cheek hugs from both babies at the same time. That my friends, that is absolute heaven.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Birth Story
Well everyone's been asking for much wanted details on the labour, delivery, birth, and home coming of our beautiful twins... I'm going to post what I can remember, as it was probably the absolutely craziest day of my life! May be a little graphic or whatever, so you've been warned!
April 13th 2011
I woke up this morning knowing that this would be the day I would be induced. Not necessarily the day the babies would be born, but I knew I would be induced. The day prior I had a non stress test at the hospital, which showed two interesting developments. #1. I had protein in my urine. #2. I had an elevated blood pressure of around 140/90. This shows that I had the beginning stages of pre-eclampsia. So, after the non stress test I had my appointment with my obgyn and midwife, and the decision was made to induce me the following day, April 13th 2011. I woke up around 5 in the morning a little nervous, but mostly really tired. Sleep hadn't been happening much in that week, because unbeknownst to me, my blood pressure and protein in my urine had been causing me to have all sorts of intersting symptoms such as nausea, vomitting, dizziness, insomnia and more. I admit I was extremely relieved to be booked for induction, because with all the symptoms plus being so anxious to have my babies I was really on the edge of my seat to run to the hospital if I had to! So, at 6:45am we headed to the hospital to be admittted to the prenatal unit at the hospital and everything seemed to go as planned. I met with my midwife, and the obstetrician on staff that day, and it was decided that the induction would start with a dose of prostin gel. First I was checked, and I had no idea THAT would be so painful. Turns out my cervix was still long, hard and far far away from being ready for labour. So prostin gel was the first choice to go with to start the softening and shortening process. The gel was administered around 8:00am and the labour cramping and pain started around 20 minutes after that. Apparently induction cramping has a bit more of a burning sensation than natural labour, but since I've never been in labour I have nothing to compare it to. Yes, the cramping was intense, and it did feel a bit "burny", but all I could do was breathe through it and hope it was working. I had to learn how to breathe while I was there, and my midwife was an excellent instructor. Turns out I am an excellent breather also, but I chalk that up to 27 years of breathing experience. So I had to wait the full 6 hours for the gel to work, and around half way I had to have something for pain. I felt really pathetic because of it, but it didn't really help anyways so it was pretty much for nothing. After 6 hours of breathing, moaning and crying, the doctor came back to check me again. Thank god I had such wonderful people there with me, because nothing on this earth could have prepared me for how being checked during a contraction would feel. I cried, I yelled, I damn near broke my best friend's hand. My husband was devastated to see me in such distress that he got emotional, which made me emotional too. So where did the first 6 hours get me? No where. My cervix was completely unchanged. No softening, no shortening, no nothing. So it was clearly too early for the oxytocin, so the next option was a second dose of prostin gel. Damn. Another 6 hours. The contractions and burning was quicker and more intense this time around, and the doctor gave me something more for pain. It helped a bit more to take the edge off, but still I spent 6 more hours crying, moaning, rocking, breathing, and more crying. Lots and lots of crying. So the first dose of prostin was around 8:00am, the second dose was around 2:00 pm, maybe a little later, possibly closer to 3:00pm, I can't be sure. Yes it must have been after 3:00 pm. So by around 10:30 pm the doctor came back (finally, he was late with another delivery so it really felt like forever) after my midwife went and tracked him down. He came in to check me, and this time I was ready to brace for it. I had a hand in each of my hands, I breathed and focused through it and all my effort seemed to help. It wasn't as painful as the prior check, but it was still very very unpleasant. The doctor didn't have good news for me. No change. No shortening, no softening, no nothing. So out came the paperwork. The doctor stated that he felt another dose of prostin would just give me another 6 hours of discomfort, and my blood pressure was continuing to rise, so he felt it would be best to get the babies out sooner rather than later. Done and done. I had no problem with it, because the odds of me going through another 6 hours for nothing was pretty great, and in the end the risks for my health and health of my babies were increasing by the hour. I've had surgery before, I wasn't afraid of it, and I knew that this would be a possibility so I was prepared for it. I filled out the forms I had to (incredibly difficult while crying and contracting by the way) to give the go ahead for the c section. The doctor had to go, but said he would be back by 11:00 pm hopefully to perform the c section. It was funny, because we realized that it would be the same day my cousin Jake was born, and deep down I kind of wished my babies would have their own birthday. Knowing so many people with birthdays in April, made that almost impossible. Interesting how things turn out.... We waited and waited and waited for the doctor to return; we sent out nurses and the midwife to find him, only to discover that the operating room was being held up by another surgery... So we just kept waiting...
C Section; April 14th 2011
The doctor finally got back to us, and by the time he did, it was after midnight. Our babies wound up having their own birthday after all. :) Our midwife gave my husband a pair of scrubs to wear, and he started to get ready. (He looks totally amazing in scrubs by the way, he really needs to find a job where he gets to wear them.) I'm still crying, still contracting, and am getting more and more exhausted. By the time I finally get walked (oh yes, walked, I was not very pleased with this part) down the hall to the operating room I had been in induced labour for almost 17 hours. I was anxious to get the spinal done, just so the pain would stop, but I was also terrified, as I've certainly never had a needle in my spine before. I stood in the waiting area with my Mom, my Dad, my best friend and my husband, fighting contractions every few minutes, waiting anxiously to hurry up and get into the operating room. The doctor appears and smiles, and tells me "guess what? In a few minutes you're going to be a mommy!" and I can't help but tear up, not from pain this time, but from joy. I get lead into the operating room where about a dozen attending surgeons, nurses, anaesthetists etc are waiting, and my midwife rubs my back. I get lead to the operating table and get helped up onto it in a sitting position. My midwife and anaesthetist direct me to lean over my midwife and push my back out, and be very very still. They cover my back with that nasty yellowish brown sterile solution, which was so cold it made every contraction so much worse. My body is shivering and shaking, and aching all over. I couldn't help but think that it felt like I had the flu. The anaesthetist tells me I'll feel a little bee sting, which is the numbing agent they use before they do the spinal block. Then I start to get scared, they tell me again to push my back out and be still, while the anaesthetist begins the spinal. He tells me that my feet will start to feel warm, and then my legs will get tingly. I need to tell him when my feet feel warm. The strangest and most comforting feeling ever. Honestly. After feeling so rough all day, that lovely warming feeling starting at my toes creeping up my legs was something I can't even explain. After the warmth, it began to feel like pins and needles, which is exactly what is supposed to happen. I tell the doctor that my feet feel warm, and everyone in the team around me gathers and swings me up onto my back. So quick and efficient, I barely remember it happening. The sheets went up to hide my view, and my husband came in. I remember looking up and being able to see a tiny bit of reflection on a metal grate on the ceiling, so I was able to see a very muddled vision of what was happening... mostly just color. Bryce sat beside me, and we asked each other if we were ok. We both nodded and he smiled. I was told I would feel them all touching me, but I wouldn't feel pain. They were so quiet I had no idea when the first incision was made, all I remember is when they said I would feel some pressure, which I did not. All of a sudden the doctor broke out in song, singing haapy birthday to my little boy, it was 1:06am. They whisked him around to see me and Bryce, and asked him if he wanted to go with them to recovery to see his son. He went and my midwife took his place. Soon after, another song for my baby girl, it was 1:07am. She was brought around to see me, so quickly I barely saw either of them. She was then whisked away too. I asked if they were ok, if they were alright, I was told, that they were perfect. :)
Recovery
I saw my baby girl first, once I made it back to my room. They handed her to me, and I instantly fell in love. She was beautiful, just as I knew she would be. I asked about my son, and was told that he had some respiratory issues and had to stay in the NICU. I was also told that I could not go see him until my spinal had worn off, which turned out to be at 8:00am that morning. I was devastated. I needed to see my son, but I was reassured it was for observation only, that he was ok. I was up and walking as soon as they would let me, I would have put on any act, any show, done anything in my power to just get into that NICU to see my son. This lead to me overdoing it this day, but I got to see my baby boy and had my baby girl released into my room as well, so it was all worth it. My daughter began her life with my husband and I in our room at 11:00 am that morning, and my son was released at around 8:00pm that evening. It was an incredibly long day, night and day again... and so on and so on... But these gorgeous children, make everything worth it.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
so soon
oh yes I know, it's been a long time since i posted, and believe me I have my reasons! But it doesn't matter. I post what I need to, when I need to, because blogging is just one of my many kinds of therapy; I don't always need it, but I use it when I must. :)
It is half past 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. WHAT? I spent most of the day sleeping due to pregnancy exhaustion, I am 36 weeks pregnant with twins (technically full term) but my heart and brain won't stop racing! I have this strange gut feeling that I will be having these babies very soon, maybe a day or two. Up until now, I had many conflicting feelings and emotions about these babies, but laying in bed tonight trying to fall asleep, most of those emotions and feelings just went away....
I was terrified. Honestly, completely terrified. Afraid I wouldn't be a good mom, afraid I wouldn't be able to handle everything, afraid I wouldn't be able to cope... Well that feeling is completely gone. I could lay there and imagine their beautiful little faces, hell I still can sitting here staring at this screen. I look at my round full belly, and for once I don't feel resentful for the pain and discomfort, I don't feel afraid for what's to come... I feel excited. I want to meet them, I want to love them, I want to hand our babies to my husband and see the love light up in his face and know he'll be absolutely smitten with them from that moment on. Thinking about the incredible joy we will get to feel, is overwhelming me, a happiness I've never felt and they aren't even out yet.
Contractions have been happening. Don't panic yet, it's been going on for days, and they are ridiculously irregular. In fact I had my non stress test the other day, and it proved that everything is still going swimmingly. One contraction in 12 hours certainly doesn't constitute labour, but I am keeping an eye on it. Because well, you never know right?? No other symptoms yet, except that I'm up, anxious and practically giddy at 3:30 am.
Everyone is so proud!! Every person I've talked to, from family, to friends, to my doctor, to my midwives.... they are all so proud that I've done so well and come so far for my first pregnancy, and carrying two! I however don't feel proud. I feel ashamed and embarassed for not taking everything better, for not coping and not managing well. Women do this all the time and I took it like a toddler having a tantrum. I can't say how I did compared to anyone else because I'm not anyone else, and as it's my first pregnancy, I have absolutely nothing to compare it to... but I don't feel good about it. Feeling as I do tonight, practically bursting at the seams with love for these 2 unborn babies, I feel sad that I hadn't felt more of it sooner. I am glad that despite my issues with discomfort, pain and blood sugars that the babies are doing astoundingly well... growing perfectly, maintaining at a perfect rate all around, and no signs of pre-eclampsia either. I should have tried to be more grateful, to try and push through it more earlier, then maybe I'd be more comfortable now at the end of it. But I can't change how I was, I'll just have to do better once they are born and give them all the love and affection they deserve. They are our miracles; heaven knows how much we love them.
Oh, one last thing, I've only gained 40 pounds. Sounds like a lot I know, but if you factor in around 12 pounds of baby, 4 pounds of amniotic fluid, and 3 pounds of placenta.... I'm really doing pretty darned well. In fact, doctors all agree that within a few months of birth, I will be thinner than before I got pregnant! I take that as a very big win. I'm excited to get out and get exercise again, to jogging the neighbourhood with our bundles in their double stroller, and hitting the gym for drop in kickboxing.... oh yeah, this summer is going to be the best summer ever. I don't need to explain why, it'll be written all over our faces. Life is wonderful, love is plentiful, and our journey.... well it's just barely begun.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Negative Day
That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P
That felt good.
Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.
So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.
Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??
I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.
I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.
So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.
That felt good.
Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.
So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.
Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??
I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.
I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.
So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.
Friday, January 28, 2011
For all the mothers out there
It has recently been brought to my attention, that through my expressing my feelings during my pregnancy, that I may have made some people feel that I don't hold any value to their pregnancy experiences.
I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.
Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.
My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.
Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.
I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.
Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.
I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.
Who is a mother?
Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..
Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.
I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.
Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.
My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.
Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.
I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.
Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.
I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.
Who is a mother?
Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..
Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.
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