That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P
That felt good.
Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.
So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.
Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??
I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.
I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.
So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
For all the mothers out there
It has recently been brought to my attention, that through my expressing my feelings during my pregnancy, that I may have made some people feel that I don't hold any value to their pregnancy experiences.
I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.
Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.
My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.
Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.
I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.
Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.
I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.
Who is a mother?
Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..
Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.
I need you ALL to know, every single one of you, that this is not the case.
Those that know me well, know that I am a person of information; I always want more information, and I love to share information. I feel better when I am informed, and always like to be "in the know". Some may consider that "nosy", or make me a "know it all", and if that's the case, so be it. I'm ok with it. But I bring this up only because I like to share the information that I have. I am only close with one person who has ever had twins before, so this experience I am blessed to have, is extremely new and uncharted territory for me. Every doctors visit, every test, every week I learn something new. I am also honest. Maybe too honest? If anyone asks me how I am feeling, and how I've been doing, I will tell them the truth. I've learned to sugar coat it a little, because I don't want to come across as someone who just complains all the time. So, with being honest, and also loving to share new information, I'm always talking about how I'm feeling and why.
My talking and sharing does not mean that I devalue any of the beautiful, unique pregnancy experiences that any of you have had, or will have.
Every pregnancy is different; every person experiences it differently, and views it differently. I do not view my experience as more difficult. I do not feel that I have done more work, or felt worse, or been more unlucky than anyone else. In fact just the opposite. With the exception of my physical discomfort, it has been a storybook pregnancy. The babies are doing wonderfully, and everything has gone exactly as planned, hoped for and expected. I am fully aware of how lucky and blessed that makes us, as I know there have been some very difficult, very sad, and even horrible experiences out there. I do know however, that my pregnancy is markedly different than many people I know, simply because I carry twins. I had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy, not only because I'd never been pregnant, but mostly because of the major lack of information there is out there regarding twin and higher multiple pregnancies. I don't think it makes me any more special, important or hard working than any one else. It's just very different, and as I learn whatever I can, I like to share what I learn.
I have never ever meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. You all know how I love to talk and chatter... if this is a surprise to you, then you really don't know me very well at all! This post itself is also not meant to hurt, insult, offend or irritate anyone. I don't have any genuine dislike for anyone, so I wanted to explain myself openly to you all so no one feels like I've singled them out.
Maybe I'm overreacting. This could totally be the case. Seriously ladies, not just you moms, but any woman who has ever had pms can completely understand how hormones can affect the brain and make mountains out of mole hills. I could just let everything go, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Well in the end, it could just be me that has the problem, but that's still a problem. I don't believe I'm a hurtful or mean person, I only want to share my feelings with you all, so you don't think that I could possibly be that type of person. Thinking I've possibly hurt anyone really hurts me, so this is my open apology. If I have hurt, offended or caused any negative feelings in any of you, please let me know privately (by phone, email or in person) so we can talk about it. I guarantee you that I will sincerely apologize to you for anything I may have said or done that has made you feel wronged, as it most certainly was never my intent.
I love you all so much, and respect every moment that you have spent either as a mom-to-be, a current mom, or as someone who is a "mom" to anyone or any tiny creature. Pregnancy has taught me that being a mom, is so much more than child rearing. It's everything you go through and experience to raise a child (or critter) to become a strong, healthy, confident adult. It truly takes an army to raise a child, and without you my own army, I wouldn't be able to bear and raise the children we will soon be blessed to hold on to. Please take from this post what I aim to get across, please understand that I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of you, for doing exactly what we were designed to do; to bear, and raise beautiful babies, despite the trials and tribulations.
Who is a mother?
Who is a mother?
a mother is a woman,
a wife, a child-bearer
and a home maker..
Who is a mother?
A mother is a great teacher,
a knowledge passer, a great mentor
and a hope planter.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a foreseer
a future builder, a great thinker
and a role-model.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a motivator,
a creative person, a talent flourisher
and a potential unlocker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a problem solver,
a peace maker, a sensitive person
and a risk taker.
Who is a mother?
a mother is a compassionate person,
a shoulder to lean on, and the
first person to talk to, in times of crises.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
pregnancy from start to 25 weeks
I just realized I haven't added any photos! So, I'm going to add all of my pregnancy photos, so you can see how I've progressed!
Grateful
Good morning! I have noticed lately I have been slipping back into a funk. Mostly due to discomfort and pain, but considering I have 3 months to go, I need to get my optimism back. So, today this post is all about what I am grateful for during this pregnancy.
I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.
I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)
I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....
I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.
I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.
I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)
I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".
And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.
PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)
I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.
I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)
I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....
I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.
I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.
I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)
I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".
And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.
PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Time for an update!
I was scanning some of my friend's blogs, and caught myself wondering "why haven't they posted recently?? wtf!" then realized I hadn't posted in AGES and therefore guilted myself into making another post. lol it's confusing and complicated, but heck, it got me to post.
Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.
So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.
Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)
Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.
Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)
Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.
So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.
Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)
Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.
Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)
Friday, December 10, 2010
New perspective!
This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.
Well no more.
No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.
I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.
I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.
And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.
My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.
Well no more.
No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.
I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.
I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.
And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.
My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.
Friday, November 26, 2010
How it has been, how it will be, how it should be.
well it's been forever since I updated, and my brain is feeling so overloaded with thoughts I figured I should get posting! So, for starters, let's talk about where I'm at. I'm at 17 weeks + 2 days pregnant. Woo! For a twin pregnancy I'm almost half way! (At 19 weeks I will be half way, as they won't let me go beyond 38 weeks). Funny thing is, I'm excited, but I'm also becoming terrified. Not only will I be bringing a beautiful baby into the world in around 21 1/2 weeks, but I will be bringing in TWO. Am I ready? No. Am I emotionally or financially prepared?? HELL no. Do I feel like I have a right to be terrified? Hell YES I do! I'm not wonder woman, and I'm not this great organizing genius that some people portray me to be. It's an illusion. I'm really a great procrastinator, and that's why I organize so early in advance. Because if I don't, it won't get done. End of story. These babies are going to completely turn our lives inside out and upside down. I really don't even think that I even come close to understanding how much, and the not knowing, well that's what scares me.
How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.
So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.
How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.
So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.
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