pregnancy from start to 25 weeks

I just realized I haven't added any photos! So, I'm going to add all of my pregnancy photos, so you can see how I've progressed!

Grateful

Good morning! I have noticed lately I have been slipping back into a funk. Mostly due to discomfort and pain, but considering I have 3 months to go, I need to get my optimism back. So, today this post is all about what I am grateful for during this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I still love coffee. :D So many people are soooo disgusted by it once they get pregnant, and I'm not. I still love love love my morning coffee. Mind you I can only have one or two small cups of it a day, (so quit wagging your fingers at me, I know how much I'm allowed in a day and I stay within those numbers) but I enjoy every last little drop. I am sooo grateful for coffee.

I am grateful that my nosebleeds have stopped. Yeah that's one of those things I hadn't mentioned before. My nose had become so dry and chapped inside, that every morning I'd blow my nose and a minor nosebleed would commence. In the past 2 weeks or so, that has cleared up, so I'm grateful not to have blood gushing out my nose. :)

I am grateful that my nausea has finally stopped! wooooo! No more diclectin for me, the heavy duty nausea that kept me on the couch has finally passed, so now I can eat and enjoy food without having to take meds to keep it all down. That brings me to my next "grateful"....

I'm grateful for FOOD! I went through a stage where I didn't want to eat anything, the sight of food, the thought of food, just kind of made me cringe. No more! Food makes me and my babies happy, we eat, we love, we grow. It's a lovely cycle. I mostly love that with the exception of icecream, the food I love most is the healthy stuff, so I gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and the feeling of really being satisfied from eating good food, is really insurmountable. You moms out there know what I mean... When you can finally eat, and your baby(ies) and yourself WANT you to eat, and you actually enjoy every mouthful. Oh yeah, life is good.

I'm grateful for the wonderful support system we have. That being family, friends, coworkers etc. We have had such an outpouring of love and help, that honestly I'm really surprised. Not surprised at the love, I know how much you all care about us and the future lives of these babies. Surprised that so many people are willing to drop everything and give so much for us. We have nearly completely outfitted our babies' room, car, cupboards and their dresser all by the love you wonderful people have shown. I have yet to purchase a single article of clothing, and I'm not sure I'll have to for quite some time. You have all given so much of yourselves, so for your love, your generosity, and your caring, I am extremely grateful.

I am grateful to not have swollen feet and legs. That's right, I'm almost in the third trimester with twins, and I DON'T HAVE SWOLLEN FEET! No cankles for me, no sir! lol well no more than I was already blessed with anyway... Despite all the pressure on my back and hips, my legs and feet have remained edema-free, which is really pretty amazing. I would like to chalk it up to getting lots of rest, drinking lots of water, and keeping my feet elevated. I'm grateful to not be swelling at the speed of sound. :)

I'm grateful that my belly button remains an "inny". I'm sure some people think it's cute when their belly buttons pop out and look all funny, but not me. Not only do I think it looks strange, I fear that mine will hurt if it does that, because of scarring thanks to several laparoscopies. It is stretching and flattening out, but believe it or not, I am grateful that it hasn't transformed into an "outtie".

And lastly (for now) I'm grateful for 2 healthy growing babies. Despite everything I've been feeling, every ache, every pain, every minute of lost sleep... I know that these babies are doing extremely well. Honestly for them it's a story-book pregnancy. My body is also taking it extremely well. I have perfect blood pressure, my blood levels couldn't be better, no swelling, no signs of pre-eclampsia, no sugar in my urine... If it wasn't for the symptoms, I'd say everything has gone perfectly. Babies are growing at a perfect rate (text book in fact), heartrates are right on par, lots of movement, and as I've been told by my obgyn and midwife, they are physically 100% normal. (I would prefer to say perfect, but everyone's defenition of perfect is different, also everyone thinks that their children are perfect.) So I'm grateful that I've made it this far, growing two healthy babies and maintaining good health for myself. With all the negatives I've highlighted in the past (nausea, discomfort, heartburn, pain) I'm still most definitely grateful to be pregnant, and to have this wonderful experience with my two wonderful babies.

PS - I didn't say it, but he knows it... I'm incredibly grateful for my husband. The wonderful hard working daddy of these beautiful babies. Without him, there would have been a whole lot more negative, and a whole lot less positive. Love you honeybear ;)

Time for an update!

I was scanning some of my friend's blogs, and caught myself wondering "why haven't they posted recently?? wtf!" then realized I hadn't posted in AGES and therefore guilted myself into making another post. lol it's confusing and complicated, but heck, it got me to post.

Soooo... here I am at one day shy of my 23 week mark. I'm very optimistic. Things are going very very well, no strange and weird complaints to report, and babies are kicking the CRAP out of me! lol In fact I was up late last night, because my son was putting so much pressure on my bladder, that it felt like I was going to pee my pants for about an hour. (even though I knew I couldn't possibly because I had just BEEN to the bathroom) The most reassuring thing I have going in my head, is in 9 short weeks, I am in the safe zone. Once babies are past 32 weeks, I am laughing! At 32 weeks the babies can be born here in town, possibly without caesarian, and they are strong and healthy enough to do well on their own.

So, along with the optimism and knowing that in 9 weeks my babies could be born strong and healthy, comes the worry. Oh yeah, I'm at that point now where I'm realizing that I will be a mother, very very very soon. Not just to one, but to TWO babies. Why am I terrified?? I have no clue. It's not that I don't think I can handle it, or that I think I'll be a bad mother... It's just such a huge change in my life, and knowing that it's coming whether I'm prepared or not, scares the HELL out of me. I know every mom-to-be goes through these fears, be it hormones or just the major life change, but unfortunately none of that knowledge makes me feel any better at this point. I have random bouts of fear and apprehension, and I just have to get through them and move on. I'll be ok I'm sure, I just have to get over these little hurdles one day at a time.

Physically, I don't feel too bad. I wear out pretty easily, and my right hip likes to give me grief... but really it's not too terrible. Mostly annoying. What I have the hardest time with, is how tired I still feel. I can wake up, have coffee, have breakfast, then be ready for a nap. lol it's not the zombie tiredness I felt before, it actually kind of feels like I've been up wayyy too long, and my eyes are dry and sore and am actually fighting to stay awake. All I can say is that I'm very very thankful that I'm off of work at this point. I doubt very much my coworkers would be ok with me passing out at random intervals through the day. lol Ah well, hopefully I'll be at the nesting stage soon, when my energy comes back for a while so I can get some things done. No worries, I'll get there. :)

Oh, and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I don't know, because I don't want to know. People periodically ask me how that's going, and I'm just letting you know that my scale has left the building, and at my appointments I've asked the nurses and doctor to not tell me. I began to get a little bit obsessed with the whole weight gain thing, so it's just better that I'm in the dark about it, so I can continue to grow my little babies stress free. I can't control how much weight I gain (generally speaking) so I need to just let it happen.

Other than that, there really isn't that much new. Christmas was hectic but great, New Years was busy but fun... sadly all I can focus on at this point is how I'm going to get things done around the house without passing out. lol I'm half asleep most of the time, so if you want something done, or need a favor, or want me to remember something, please remind yourself of how my brain is on autopilot and although I will very much want to do things with you, help you out with stuff, or remember dates and tea-visits etc. Love you all so much, thanks for all your support :)

New perspective!

This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.

Well no more.

No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.

I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.

I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.

I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.

And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.

My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.

How it has been, how it will be, how it should be.

well it's been forever since I updated, and my brain is feeling so overloaded with thoughts I figured I should get posting! So, for starters, let's talk about where I'm at. I'm at 17 weeks + 2 days pregnant. Woo! For a twin pregnancy I'm almost half way! (At 19 weeks I will be half way, as they won't let me go beyond 38 weeks). Funny thing is, I'm excited, but I'm also becoming terrified. Not only will I be bringing a beautiful baby into the world in around 21 1/2 weeks, but I will be bringing in TWO. Am I ready? No. Am I emotionally or financially prepared?? HELL no. Do I feel like I have a right to be terrified? Hell YES I do! I'm not wonder woman, and I'm not this great organizing genius that some people portray me to be. It's an illusion. I'm really a great procrastinator, and that's why I organize so early in advance. Because if I don't, it won't get done. End of story. These babies are going to completely turn our lives inside out and upside down. I really don't even think that I even come close to understanding how much, and the not knowing, well that's what scares me.

How have I been feeling?? Do you really want to know the honest truth? You don't really, because I've tried VERY hard to hide it. I say things are good, things are fine, I'm better all the time. Ha. Guess what people, I'm actually going to tell you how I've been feeling, because I'm tired of feeling frustrated every time I purse the word "fine" from my lips. But I'm only going to say all this once; after this post, my responses will remain as "fine" or "good" because I honestly don't want to hear everyone's two cents as to how "they felt so much worse" or "I'm lucky because..." or laughing (this is my favorite) actually laughing at me and saying that "It's only going to get worse! good luck with that!". Anyone who laughs at another persons ill feelings at ANY time, nevermind pregnancy, deserves to be slapped. So don't laugh, I don't find it funny, those poor sickies don't find it funny, it's not funny. So let's see, let us start from the beginning....
It started off great, honestly. I found out I was pregnant, and was sooo excited, I felt fine, everything felt fine. One day, I felt a little nauseous, and honestly I felt that it was a good thing, it meant the baby (I only thought I had one) was fine and growing, and things were going along as they should. I was drinking peppermint tea, taking ginger capsules, really feeling that I was doing the right mommy things to curb the nausea and would be strong and battle through it. It was just a little nausea, no big deal, I could get through it. One day I realized that I need to eat breakfast. It hit hard, like the hard rim of the toilet bowl I wound up barfing in. Afterwards I even actually smiled and laughed, and said that "I won't do that again, this baby means business!" Yeah that was the first and only time I smiled and laughed after puking my guts out. After that day, the nausea got worse. Wayyyy worse. I shut myself off from the world, and spent every waking moment that I wasn't working, laying on the couch in a perpetual coma. The nausea was intense, and it never went away. It didn't matter what I ate, when I slept, what I did. I was nauseous. I decided very quickly, that my next appointment would include a request for the pregnancy medication Diclectin. For those who don't know what diclectin is, it is a mixture of vitamin B6 and antihistamine. That's it. It was designed for pregnant women who battled nausea. Why does it work?? I have no idea, but the stuff works, it doesn't harm the baby, let's just let that rest. I needed it, I got it. Period. I started off taking 2 at bedtime, as my midwife suggested. If I needed more, I could gradually add more, up to 8 a day to my regime. 2 a day really REALLY helped, but not for long. I needed to add more and more to get by every day. I was up to 6 pills a day, 2 at night, 2 at noon, and 2 in the morning. By this point, I was finally starting to feel human again. I still had the occasional twinge of nausea, and still felt the need for gingerale, but it was still wayyyyyyy better. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fatigue. A book I have been reading refers to this tired feeling as "bionic fatigue". I like to think of it as "living dead". Now I was still plastered to my butt groove on the couch, not because I was nauseous, but because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Seriously. You know that feeling when you've been up all night having a great time, and you finally crawl home and it just hits you. Bam!! Like you're so completely exhausted you could pass out on the cool linoleum floor right in front of you and be perfectly happy?? Yeah, that kind of tired. ALL THE TIME. So, to combat this tired feeling, you practically spend every waking moment holding your eyelids open with your fingers. Or gradually drifting off to sleep, whichever seems to happen first at the time. To explain how forceably staying awake feels during this "bionic fatigue", I will use 2 examples. 1) for you shift workers, you know that hazy gauzy zombie like feeling you get around 3 am?? How you're so tired but somehow you manage to stay awake?? yeah that's it. Every waking moment. and 2) for those non shift workers, imagine the phone ringing at 4am, you jump up like a shot thinking it's some kind of great emergency, manage to fumble your way out of your room, run around the house aimlessly trying to find the f#%^$ing portable phone that somehow is "missing" in the middle of the night, answer the phone to find it's a wrong number, then exhaustedly fumble your way back to bed feeling groggy and loopy.... That is totally the feeling. I can use both those examples because I've experienced both of those things, and can personally vouch for the fact that the feeling is 100% one in the same. Now I sound like I'm whining I'm sure, but for those who have never had twins, had heard that being pregnant with twins encourages twice the amount of symptoms from our poor hormone infested bodies. Well in case you wanted to know, yes, it's 100% true. Next I shall move on to how I was feeling around 12 weeks. The blessed grace period! wooooo! I actually felt good. Great even. Seriously I did! For about a week. All of a sudden I realized the nausea had subsided, and I was able to cut my diclectin back to 2 pills a day. I tried more, but just couldn't handle it. Still nauseous, but defenitely bareable. I felt energized, I finally cleaned my house, spent quality time with my husband, GOT OFF THE COUCH. It was a monumental time, a better time... However, shortly afterwards, the nausea and fatigue was replaced with some new fun symptoms. Heartburn and headaches. Now the heartburn really wasn't that bad. I was able to control it with diet and tums. It was present, but as someone who's battled acid reflux before, it was really just a minor annoyance. But certainly worth noting. The headaches however were constant. I returned back to that hazy gauzy feeling because my eyes were only ever half open thanks to the constant pain just behind my eyeballs. I took tylenol with my daily fistful of pills, which I take at night. I took the tylenol then, because there isn't much worse for me than waking UP with a headache. Knowing you can't sleep or rest it away, is a horrible feeling. So the headaches lasted for a good solid couple of weeks. Doesn't sound that bad right?? Well for me it sucked. People were calling me, emailing me, asking me to come out, have tea, have a visit... I wanted to, I really did, but going from one debilitating symptom to another had me once again restrained to my house. Remember, I am also working full time through all of this, doing night shifts, day shifts, evening shifts... I even lost my position at work through all of this. It wasn't an easy time for me for numerous reasons, but right now I'm sticking to pregnancy symptoms. The headaches stopped. Mostly. Enough for me to live a semi-normal life again. Hooray! Then, for a solid week, I experienced something that actually made me want to head to the hospital. I worked all week right through it, and it was awful. Naturally, no one mentions this symptom, till around 17 weeks (discovered this in my books AFTER I had already gone through it). Because I was pregnant with twins, this symptom came much sooner for me, as the additional weight of an additional baby encouraged it much sooner. Round ligament pain. If you haven't had it, you're extremely lucky. Some people I've heard don't get it very bad at all. Again, extremely lucky. For some reason, I had it, and I had it bad. I actually missed work for a day of it, because my stomach was so seized up I couldn't move. The pain reminded me of bootcamp. My first week of it. My stomach muscles just above my groin ached, burned, stretched. Every movement felt agonizing, which proved to be very difficult at night. Around 15 weeks I was advised to no longer sleep on my back, as the weight of the twins could crush major arteries running down my back and potentially KILL ME. Anyone ever tell you that???? Ever been afraid for your life because of your sleeping position??? Freaky shit. So, as someone who chronically sleeps on their back during the night, it became difficult. I also however sleep on my side, but even with a pillow tucked between my legs, my hips were aching. I had to roll over almost a dozen times during the night because the pain would wake me up. Ever tried to roll over, over and over again during the night while your abdomen feels like it's being torn open from the inside?? Not pleasant. Never mind the fact that I still felt like I had to pee every hour on the hour. Seriously. I had a weak bladder BEFORE I got pregnant. Having to rush to the bathroom to sprinkle out a teaspoon of pee every hour got pretty irritating pretty quickly. So, for a solid week, very little sleep, a hell of a lot of pain, and lots of frustration. And so brought on the first meltdown. I had a hormonal meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled like a baby and went through a half a box of tissues. Why did I cry?? You name it. Everything was bugging me, I felt out of control, I felt fat. Everyone, I mean everyone who's ever been pregnant has been through one of these. It really didn't matter what caused the first tear to fall, what matters is that pregnancy get it going, and going and going until I creeped off to bed, all puffy eyed with a raw nose. By the way, you know what true love is? True love is a man who will hold on to you while you bawl, sniff, snort and blow your nose, calm you down while you completely irrationally get worked up over every little thing and practically lose all semblance of sanity. THEN, that wonderful man picks up your soggy, snot laden tissues for you, and hands you a fresh box. Oh yeah, that's love. So amidst all this, I really am finally feeling mostly normal at the moment. What got me through that?? That wonderful man that handed me my heating pad, hot tea, my fist full of drugs when I couldn't move, passed me tissues, and without complaining carried on the household chores as I laid half dead on the couch from any number of new and interesting ailments. He didn't complain as I spent hours on the phone to my mother needing that motherly love and connection, didn't whine as night after night he ate whatever was in the fridge so I wouldn't have to cook. To all of you mothers and mothers to be out there, I can't imagine how everyone gets through this over and over again, but we do it. We do it for love and for our children. We do it because we must. I salute you. I also salute you husbands, you boyfriends, you spouses. Without you, we couldn't go on. I know it will get worse. The third trimester will be once again a new and different set of issues. New symptoms, new pains, new leakages. (Yes, I left out the fluid leakages, it's annoying, but it doesn't make me feel crappy. If you really want to know, ask me sometime...) Ladies, please don't tell another woman that what she is going through can't be that bad, or could be worse. Because at the time, hormones make you feel like a 4 year old with a fever. It's awful, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Offer a kind word, an open ear and a dry shoulder to cry on. Give a little extra love to your pregnant sisters, and never forget how you were once there, and how everything made you feel. Support is what we need most.

So how have I been?? I have defenitely been better. I don't share, because as you have read, it's a long story. Why share now?? Because. Just because. I felt the need to share, and so I did. And now I feel better. So for right now, this moment, I feel better. And I feel loved.

Long time no see!

why have I not posted in nearly a month?? Because I've been dead. Dead to the whole world, due to chronic fatigue and "morning" sickness. Morning being in quotations, because it's not just in the morning, it's pretty much every waking hour! lol but, now that I'm at the 11 week mark (just beyond actually) I'm beginning to finally feel a bit better! My energy level is up, I'm actually accomplishing simple tasks and chores, and I'm not permanently etched into my butt groove on the couch. Things are looking up, and I'm starting to get all excited all over again! Why do you ask?? well for one, I'm awake, coherent and feeling better. (You have nooooo idea what I'm talking about until you've been there. Imagine having the flu for a solid month, and that's exactly where I was.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100%, but I feel MUCH better. The other reason for being excited... well all my friends and family know, that I had my first ultrasound last week, and have discovered that I'm having TWINS! OMFG right!? It was probably the most amazing day of my life, seeing those babies on the monitor. Then, after all the info finding was done by the tech, my mother, best friend, and husband came in to see. There were so many screams in that room, that I bet you could hear us all at Tim Hortons across the parking lot! TWINS! I still can't believe it! But it does explain the intensity of my symptoms, and how almost none of my pants fit already. I really couldn't ask for anything more. A happy life, a darling husband, a wonderful home of our own, and now a family. A whole family! I'm hoping for a boy and a girl, but I'll be ecstatic either way, as long as they are born healthy and safe. What more could a woman want?

hormones hormones everywhere...

well here I am posting at almost midnight on this last full day of summer. Am I sad summer is gone?? HELL NO! I love fall, it's my favorite time of year. Sadly, right now I do not feel happy. I don't feel energized, I don't feel calmed. I feel completely and totally crappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Why?? Why would I feel so sad when I have absolutely everything going for me in my life that I could possibly want?? One word. Hormones. I feel fat, I feel ugly. I feel sad, depressed and alone. I feel angry and frustrated. Am I fat or ugly?? I'm 50 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, and have never ever thought I really was ugly. Do I have any reason to be sad or depressed?? No, as I said a sentence ago, I have everything I could possibly want. Am I alone?? Far from it! As for angry and frustrated, right now EVERYthing makes me feel that way. I'm at home, and the mess makes me angry and frustrated, but I'm too sad and depressed and tired to do anything about it, so I sit around eating getting more fat and ugly. ALL BECAUSE OF HORMONES! None of it makes any sense; not one tiny bit! Everything right now frustrates and angers me to the very point of explosion. Some family, some friends, some home, and LOTS of work. Let's face it, I need a vacation. Fortunately I have a well deserved and very much needed 6 days off in the beginning of October, where I can refuel and recharge, and hopefully find some happy in amidst the hormonal storm. I know it will pass, I know it's only temporary... But seriously, I cannot wait for this phase to be over, because being angry and frustrated and sad all the time, is causing me to be even more worn out. Every day I sleep more and more, which I guess is good, because then I have less time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Anyway, as I type I'm getting more and more tired, so my typing is getting worse and worse... as is my brain power and ability to make coherent sentences. I actually seriously spell checked this... this baby is actually rotting out my brain, I'm so sure of it that... that.... well there's a good example right there. A totally incomplete thought.