Long time no blog!

lol alright alright, I know I haven't posted lately. I'm aware, I'm working on it. Thx. :P I didn't post last week, because it wasn't a very good week for me. And really, I should've posted, because it probably would've made me feel better. Last week I gained a pound. I did NOT take it very well. I know that I'd been working a lot of nights, I know that I've been stressed, and I know I was due for my aunt flo, but I really didn't want to make excuses to myself for why I gained instead of lost. THAT is why it was so hard. I wanted to be realistic about it, but I also didn't want to make excuses. So I was stuck in proverbial weight-loss limbo, feeling bad, for feeling bad, for doing bad. Confused?? Yeah, I was too.

ANYWAYS, onto THIS week! I was finally blessed with my aunt flo (yay right?) ONLY 4 days late, but it finally happened so the floodgates of water retention released and my own personal Hoover Dam let go to allow for a 3.5 pound loss this week! I only care when I'm late when it could affect my weigh in. It's funny how just overnight the water leaves the body after your cycle starts. But thank god for it, or I'd be suffering through another week of disappointment. So, with that 3.5 lb loss, my total weight loss hits a fantastic 20 pounds! Finally! 2 months and 20 pounds! So in theory, by the end of the 3rd month, I should be at a simply fantabulous 30 pounds... I hope. lol we'll have to wait and see!

Also, I got pinched again today! Losses everywhere except in my tricep, I actually gained on that, but the trainer told me that 1 mm is really nothing, and it's probably just water, especially considering that I had considerable loss everywhere else. So, this month I lost an additional 13.69 pounds of body fat, bringing my overall total to 46.68 pounds of body fat lost! I've lost a 4 year old! Nearly 50 lbs of total body fat GONE, and I worked my ass off for every little bit. Literally. My body is starting to feel like my body, not me inside a heavy sack. My husband is defenitely appreciating my new shape, as I can never seem to get his hands off my butt. I'm not complaining, I just find it cute. ;) When I look in the mirror I can tell that my "back fat" is nearly completely gone, my abdomen is flatter, and I'm finding a whole new appreciation for my legs. I had to buy new underwear yesterday. Not because my gonch is all threadbare and disgusting. Oh no. Because my underwear kept sliding down off my ass and disappearing into the baggy depths of my pants. I spent almost all of boxing on friday pulling up my workout pants and underwear. Talk about counterproductive. I should be boxing and sweating and hurting, but instead I suffered from constant wardrobe malfunction! So, a trip to Walmart yesterday yielded 6 new pairs of underpants (and I'm proud to say the first time in YEARS that they didn't come from the plus section) and a new pair of workout pants that (thank goodness) didn't slide down off my butt today. I feel more shapely, and more comfortable. And so I should, my body is smaller all over. Well almost. My chest size hasn't changed a single centimetre this entire time. So now I'm slimmer, but my boobs remain gigantic. So, if you see me all hunched over and can't stand up, please lend a girl a hand and help me straighten back up. lol

Anyhoo, that's the state of me and my fat loss, and all that is accompanying it. I "promise" to post again this week. Really! I promise!

Addiction; it isn't just for drugs and alcohol

Haha, well maybe not fear, maybe just a little apprehensive. It's been such a crazy couple of weeks, with trying to find a house to purchase that fits our current and future needs, trying to actually relax for a change, but still trying to get all scheduled workout times in as well as eat according to the menu plan with no money. Yay! I'm sooo happy I get paid tomorrow, or I'm afraid I'd lose my sanity completely. I'm extremely glad I get to box tomorrow, as it's my favorite workout, and it really relieves a lot of stress. If there's any of you out there who has stress and HASN'T tried boxing yet, I really suggest you try it. Seriously. You don't have to be good, you just have to give it all you've got in each punch. Soooo worth it. It's been such a wild and crazy week that I'm a little nervous for my weigh in on Sunday. I just can't help but wonder, will my extreme fatigue, my lack of precise menu-following and my ridiculous house-hunting stress have any bearing on my weigh in? I don't want it to, but I'm afraid as it's just becoming friday that I really don't have much of a choice in the matter. I've tried to include good food choices on the days where the menu doesn't line up, I've tried to accomodate the correct amount of fibre and protein, and cut back on my carb intake.... but then I have days like today, where because I was out (thankfully I remembered my protein powder) I had to have my protein shake with half water, half 2% milk. Milk. The first actual dairy I've had since the second of January. I feel soooo guilty. Also, I was making cupcakes with my best friend, (which I DIDN'T eat any of, I swear to GOD! I sure wanted to, oh yes y0u bet I did) but upon icing the cupcakes, a glob hit my finger, and I licked it off. I didn't even realize that I had done it, until it was too late. OMG. A big blob of chocolatey, buttery, sugary goodness, completely f#$&ing up my whole day. Great. Lovely. Just what I needed 2 1/2 days before weigh in. Milk, and freaking icing. Oh, and I had tea with my friend as well, so I had a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of milk in my tea. I've tried to be so good, but it seems like today just didn't go well. I really hope I don't pay for it later. Can a half teaspoon of icing, a cup of milk and a teaspoon of sugar really affect my weigh in?? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. But I sure as hell know I didn't get fat over night. It was a gradual thing, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. Perhaps that's the overall fear. That now I've come this far, I'll have a taste of something yummy, and then completely lose control?? That maybe I'll just fall back into my bingeing ways just as I used to be? Food is my addiction, and I'm horrified that I'll eat something unhealthy, and wind up even heavier than before, because I have zero self control. You see, food addiction is so difficult, because unlike drugs and alcohol addiction, you have to eat. You don't need drugs to live, you don't need alcohol to live, in fact you can avoid those by just not frequenting places that sell/supply such items. But food, you need to eat in order to live. You can't say, "yep, I've sworn off food, no more eating for me" because you MUST eat. Conquering food addiction is being able to say "that's enough, I've eaten and I'm satisfied, I don't NEED any more". It's a hard line to define, because when you want it, you always feel like you NEED more. Even when you're full and ready to burst, you feel that need, that craving for more. It's like that feeling you get when you're eating chinese food. You're about to explode but you'll ram one more mouthful down your throat because you want it soooo badly. Only with food addiction, you cross that line with everything you eat. One cookie? nah, you won't feel "good" until the whole box is gone. (and I use the term "good" lightly, because in the end, you really don't feel good about anything.) You feel fat, worthless, ugly and horrible, but instead of hopping on the treadmill or elliptical, instead of going out for a run or hitting the gym, you go back to the FRIDGE and find something else to ease the pain. That was my life for too many years, crying and eating. Eating and crying. Day in, day out. Grade school was my enemy, and food was my weapon. I lost, and I lost bad. I wasn't popular, I wasn't even liked. Kids loved to make fun of me and tease me, and it worked. They knew it worked, because they saw me cry, they saw me get upset. So I'd go home, cry, and eat. The bigger I got, the more they teased, the more I cried and ate. That's something that gets me through each weigh in; next year is my ten year reunion. I will be thinner, I am happy, I am loved, and I didn't need them. Those nasty bitchy girls and boys that made my life hell; they can rot, because I didn't need them at all. They can see me happy, they can see me feeling good about myself, and they can see it all from the back of my finely toned ass because they will all be in my dust.

Come on weigh-in, bring it on. I dare ya.

I got pinched!

Well this evening I went to Fitness Edge with Chelsea, and got pinched. For those who don't know what that means, it means I had my BMI done again. They pinch your fat with these kind of sharp plastic measuring tools, which measures (through simple math) how much body fat you have. When I first had my BMI done, my total pounds of body fat was 112.3 lbs. As of today, I'm down to 79.1 lbs of fat, which means I've lost a grand total of 33.2 lbs of fat!! Which is insane! It doesn't totally make sense to me, because I've only lost 13 lbs so far, but Joanna tried to explain that even though I've only lost 13 lbs, I have lost 33.2 lbs of fat and the weight that is still there (minus the 13 lbs) is actually water weight, which will come off in a month or two. My percentage of body fat has gone down from 42.7% to 31.5%. Joanna suspects that I will be one of the biggest losers so far, if not the biggest loser! Which is pretty awesome I think... but it's only day one of measuring, and I don't know how many people got measured earlier today... We'll see, I still feel pretty good about it, even if I'm not the best, I already feel like I've won! I wish I understood it all a little more, since it is pretty confusing and all. But Joanna has been doing this a long time, so I really feel like I trust that she's not just trying to keep me motivated, that there really are results happening with my body. God I hope so, I didn't sign up for this to wind up disappointed! Anyways that's the state of my little world right now, so far the pain has been worth it, and now I'm really excited to see what the following months will bring!