I said it. I have it. There. I can't go on denying it, I can't go on hiding it. I have been a mess; I drank, I smoked, I took antidepressants. I'm not asking anyone to like it, it just is what it is. I won't sugar coat my behavior, I know it was wrong and it wasn't helpful, but there it is. I want to be wonder wife and super mom, but I am not. I'm trying, but I have reached a minor epiphany.
There is no wonder wife. No super mom.
I have been fighting so hard to be something that doesn't even exist. That little piece of knowledge gives me a little bit of relief. My next bit of relief comes from this post. I have been hiding all this for months, and the strength I'm using up bottling this in, could definitely be used elsewhere. I have struggled, I have cried, I have hit bottom. I have fought with my husband and hidden from my friends. I know what it's like to have everyone tell me how lucky I am, and still carry around a gray cloud of sadness. I know I'm lucky, and I am grateful, but that's not what this is about. Don't judge me, I have done enough of that all on my own.
So there is my simplistic confession... But don't think for a moment that it's that simple. It's a very complicated situation to be a new mommy (or second, third, fourth time mommy) with post partum depression. The simplistic way I've written this is to ease ME through this, not to paint an inaccurate picture of what myself and other mommies go through every day.
I would not be posting this if it wasn't for the many blogs I have come across lately, with lots of other mommies going through exactly the same thing. You give me strength ladies, your open and honest accounts of your lives every day helps me remember that I am not the only one with this problem. I am not a bad wife and mother for going through this, I am just me. I will get through this, I know it; but it doesn't mean the journey will be easy... But I will get there, one baby (haha) step at a time.
