I've been meaning to post for awhile, because I need to get some thoughts and feelings out, but I just haven't managed to get around to it until now.
Ever wonder if you're good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? Wife? Sister? Friend? Daughter? I'm not here to host a pity party, it's just how I've been feeling lately.
For those who aren't aware, I'm depressed.
I've been struggling with my own being, my own self. To me, it's been a hard realization as to how much my life has changed. I knew it would change; a lot. But part of me was hoping that I would still get to be me. I'm not. Somehow I've lost myself and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm sure things will all get figured out, but those who know me well, know that I'm not a patient person.
Nowadays I find myself wondering that original question... Am I good enough? Am I a good enough Mother? I have several friends that are trying and have been trying so desperately to nurse their babies. I listen to their stories and read their posts, and find myself rooting for them, to do what they so desperately want and need to do. So I question myself, why didn't I root harder for myself?? Did I give up nursing too early? I gave up so quickly, and even gave up pumping because it was "too hard". What is "too hard"? I've talked to twin mommas who nursed exclusively for months. MONTHS! Nearly a year in most cases! And those that didn't, pumped. Pumped their little hearts out for their little angels, also for months. After 6 weeks, I was done. I gave up, I quit. Why didn't I try harder?? How come I couldn't just suck it up and do what's best for my babies?? I look back and wish I had. All I've ever wanted to do, was what is best for my children, but I was so selfish for my own ease and comfort I put myself first and them second. I try not to dwell on my choices, but it's often so hard not to. I have other friends that cloth diaper. I used a diaper service for 4 months, and was exclusively cloth diapering for that entire time. Because of cost, we switched to disposables. Also because of ease. I didn't want to fork out the hundreds of dollars on cloth diapers, and I also didn't want to wash them. Was it what's best for my babies?? I don't know. Is it what's best for the environment?? No. I've never been an environmentalist, a green peace activist or a health nut. (I certainly don't want to offend anyone who might be, so please don't take it that way if you are any of those things). I have made conscious choices for my family, and I look back at them all and wonder if I made the right ones. I see so many moms giving every last ounce of their strength, will, and dollars for their babies and I can't help but feel like a failure. I could have done more, I could have worked harder, I could have done better. I watch my tiny babies and see one rolling around, trying to crawl, and being generally very happy. I see the other, who hasn't roller over at all (ever) and somehow I feel like it's my fault. Am I spending enough time with him? Am I working hard enough for him to help him develop and grow and learn as much as his sister? Have I done something wrong to curb his development? What can I do to help him? I put him on his tummy, and he lays for a bit, then fusses because he doesn't like it. So he winds up back on his back (entirely by my assistance) and just lays there. Often he smiles, but often he doesn't play with toys, doesn't interact with his sister, doesn't even try. What have I done that he's so far behind his sister?? Is it my fault? Will he catch up? With all the reassurance in the world, I'm still haunted by all these questions and feelings. I want to be a good mother, but right now with the choices I've made, I don't feel I measure up.
Am I a good enough wife? I'm sure my husband will say so, but often I don't feel I am. I don't always have all the chores done, I don't always have dinner ready on time, I don't give him enough attention, I don't show him enough love. I haven't figured out the balance of our family life, and I'm not sure how. I already feel like I don't spend enough one on one time with our children, so how can I spare that to spend time with my husband?? How can I not do the chores that are required to keep our home clean and therefore our family healthy? How can I not be so tired in the evening so once the kids go to bed we can actually spend time together instead of me slothing around the house like a zombie? I don't have the answers for this either.
I'm a terrible sister. I rarely talk to either of my siblings, mostly because I never know what to talk about. We have nothing in common, and never really have. It feels like we're on two different ends of the planet when it comes to interests, so I find myself at a loss for conversation. They aren't particularily interested in what I have to say because we don't have the same interests, and I always find myself lost when they try to talk about their hobbies, likes and dislikes because we are so different, and I hate it so much when our conversations just turn into arguements. We are so different, so we clash. I envy my friends and husband who are so close with their siblings that they can talk, hang out, and have a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I try to fix things and make things better, but mostly I just feel like I've failed them. I should always try harder, and somehow somewhere I feel like I've given up. I need to try harder, but I don't know where to start.
I'm a terrible friend. Don't try and defend me, it's true. There are so many of you that are such wonderful people, that you will step in and say "hold on, you're a great person and friend!!... etc etc" but that's just because you are wonderful people. I'm extremely lucky to have you. I've let you down too. I forget birthdays, events and get togethers. I make excuses to not go out. I forget to return things I've borrowed. I don't give or send cards for special occasions. I often forget gifts. I ask favors for which I cannot possibly repay. I don't make phonecalls, impromptu visits, or enough time. I'm not grateful enough. I don't know how to properly say thankyou, or ask for help. I can say the words, but actions speak louder right? I haven't helped anyone move, renovate, redecorate or mind their children when they needed. I offer to help, but I rarely just give it because it's needed. I don't spend the time I should, and I could make all kinds of excuses for my actions, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Don't make excuses for me either, it doesn't make me a better person.
A good enough daughter? I don't know. I try. But I don't try hard enough. I should be visiting my parents, not just them always coming here. I should be dropping in to help with fixing up the house, the yard, chores, or just to be company. I ask favors and give none. My parents are wonderful loving people, and they deserve better. I won't go on, because they don't use the internet, have facebook, or want their personal matters posted on the internet. So to sum up, no. I'm not good enough.
So with all that, I feel not good enough. Maybe it's the depression talking, maybe it's the truth. Everything I've stated is true, but I didn't list the good things. I'm normally the person that's optimistic, and always looking on the bright side. I lost my optimism somewhere, and I think it started somewhere during my pregnancy. I still try, I still try and think of the good things, the fortunate things, but the dark cloud of negativity overwhelms me. Perhaps that's what is missing from me. I'm really not sure, all I know is how I feel. Tired, frustrated, empty. I get angry because I can't find myself, I feel empty without it. It's hard to fix a problem when you don't really know what the problem is, or even where to start. I try to put a big smiling face on and tell everyone things are great... They aren't great. My husband is wonderful, my kids are amazing. The problem is me.
Again, I wish to state that nothing in this post was meant to offend, hurt or point fingers at anyone. I just need to lay all my thoughts and feelings out, so hopefully I can find a solution. <3
