That's right, I'm feeling negative. So if you have a problem with me ranting about exactly how I feel, you can just stop reading. I'm done with trying to appease other people, this is my frigging blog, so if I want to write about how I feel to get my feelings out, then damnit I'm going to. :P
That felt good.
Why am I feeling negative?? I don't know. Hormones, pregnancy, tiredness... it doesn't matter, it's how I feel and I don't need to justify it. Go ahead and talk about it amongst your friends, I don't care. If you want to go and gossip about me, well then I guess you aren't very good friends. (By the way, when I'm negative, I tend to get very defensive.) I'm not going to apologize for that either.
So what's bugging me, let's see... Well I can't seem to get my freaking blood sugar levels in check, and it's starting to piss me off. The doctor keeps upping my insulin levels, and they still aren't in range. Maybe the babies placentas are pumping out hormones quicker than the good doctor can up my insulin?? That may be, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just for a day or two, I'd like to be able to check my sugars, and have them fall in line. Wouldn't that be nice?? To be semi-normal for a freaking day?! And it's not like I'm sitting here eating cake and candy all day, so just get that idea out of your head. I sat and attempted to enjoy a lunch of cottage cheese and cucumber yesterday, and guess what?? Sugar levels still high. I have boring toast with boring peanut butter every goddamn morning, and my sugars are still high. I choke down this shitty brown rice I bought at Superstore (don't buy brown rice at Superstore, it's naaaasty) every dinner because it "helps" with my sugar levels, but they are still too high. Don't panic, I'm a chronic worrier too... but the levels, although out of range, aren't that high. I'm not spiking above 10, hell I'm not even above 7. But my fasting levels should be under 5, and they are constantly hovering in the 6 range. I'm not worried about my health at this range, and neither is my doctor or midwives, but it still pisses me off! Maybe I'm just feeling how my body hasn't been my own for over 7 months now, and maybe, just MAYBE I'd like for something to be relatively normal for just a moment... Or maaaaaybe just feel like I'm getting somewhere with levelling everything out. Because right now, I don't. My tummy and legs are covered in tiny little needle holes, and I'm littered with bruises because for some reason, I'm lucky enough to hit a capillary 75% of the time. (Nothing I can do about that folks, doctor says it's "just luck") yeah... I'm soooooo lucky.
Now don't you dare write to me about how lucky I am... How I should be soooo grateful that I'm pregnant and that I'm having twins and how I almost wasn't able to get pregnant blah blah blah... I'm fully aware that when it comes to that, I am damned lucky. And guess what?? I AM grateful. So much so, I can't even express it to you. But it doesn't mean, that I don't FEEL. Just like any other normal person, I feel pain, I feel sad, I feel stressed, and I feel frustrated. These feelings I have, are mine. Alllll mine. I choose to share my feelings, and I choose not to sugar coat everything. I tried, and it pissed me off. Why should I feel guilty for feeling anything?? Why should I have to validate every emotion just because SOME people feel that I should be smiling and happy and goofy-glowing-mother all the freaking time?? Can any mother out there seriously tell me, that they really (really) didn't have a breakdown or two during their pregnancy?? Or how about AFTER their babies are born?! Next time you're having a rough day with your kids, should I shut you down and say "You should be GRATEFUL that you have these kids, how can you get so pissed off when they are such MIRACLES!?!!" I can imagine how you'd feel, and I can also imagine you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, if I can completely hurt someone by saying that after their child is born, and they have a right to feel frustrated and tired and hurt.... how come I don't get that same right because I haven't given birth yet??
I choose to rename this day. It isn't a negative day, it's a bitchy day.
I feel stressed. I feel worried. I feel very very anxious. I haven't felt so much anxiety since I used to be on medication for it! (Ironic?) I sit and worry about every possibility, every inevitability... Hell, I even sit and worry and get all anxious, and then realize that I am not even worrying about anything in particular! It's that feeling of anxiety and dread that sits at the pit of your stomach and speaks to you. "If you don't get this under control... something bad will happen...." and it's just that vague. From stressing about the laundry and dishes (which yes, do get done.), to my blood sugar levels, to finances, to... well everything. I have been off anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for almost 5 years now, and for the first time since I'm actually feeling like I may need them again. Obviously I will wait until the babies are born. I'm not stupid. But that's just one more thing to worry about. Will I have post-par tum depression?? How will I cope?? What will I do?? What can I do?! With only 7 1/2 weeks to go till baby time, I wonder and worry about what I can't know and can't control... I HATE not knowing.
So, that's my crazy spazzy post for now. I've gotten out what I need to... because hey, that's what journalling is all about. Got a problem with that?? Come on over, I'll be happy to chat with you about it.
