This week I've undergone a change. Not a change in how I physically feel, or a change in my pregnancy, but a change in my outlook. A very very good friend of mine, built up her nerve, put on her bullet proof vest and told me something she was afraid I might kill her for. That I've been complaining A LOT. Well, I told her straight up, she is 100% right. I've been so horribly negative through this stage of my pregnancy (the past month or more) that it's really been showing to the people I love. I took a really hard look at myself, and realized that it was mostly showing to someone very important; me. I've been so overly negative and complained so much that I brought myself down. The worse I felt, the more I complained, the more I complained, the worse I felt.
Well no more.
No more being negative, no more complaining. Don't get me wrong, if you really really want to know exactly how I'm feeling, I will tell you. I won't lie. But what I say might sound a little different than before. Me feeling unwell isn't going to take center stage anymore, because it isn't the most important thing. The most important thing, is that the babies are doing phenomenally. They are. That's the total truth. I have absolutely nothing to complain about or be worried about because they are in perfect health. I became far too wrapped up in how I'm feeling, instead of how they are doing, and they, well they are the most important things in my world.
I have so much to be grateful for. I opted to leave work a week early because I really felt it would be safer for my babies if I did. I was putting too much strain and pressure on them because of the work that I do. I know it, because I could feel it. I should not feel strain and pressure on my abdominal muscles, or pain in my body because of the work I do, and I should definitely not be feeling it while pregnant with my twins. I don't know if what I was feeling is detrimental to my twins, but something about it really didn't feel good or safe, so I made the decision to stop working. That all went really well, because it turned out I had the sick time to cover my extra week off, so we are not going to be any more financially unstable because of it. So I need to be grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my friends and family. You. You have all been such a great big parachute of support and love, with open ears to listen to me earnestly, and open arms to hold me up when I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm not proud of how emotional, hormonal and bitchy I've been lately, but I'm not sorry for it either. I needed to go through it, and learn from it too, so for those of you who bore it and guided me through I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm also grateful for that friend (you know who you are) who gallantly pulled out her sword of justice (lol) and faced the dragon to tell me how I've been, so I could take this hard look at myself and make a change. For that, I love you. Only you could have or would have done it, and I know that you did it because you care so much about me. I have changed my perspective (or at least trying to change) because of you. I feel better because I want to feel better, and it really is making a huge difference. My soul and spirit is brighter because of you.
I'm grateful for my husband. But I'm sure you've all heard again and again how wonderful he's been, and what a huge support he is in my life. He knows how I feel, because I tell him every day how lucky I am to have him. But I will say it again. (and again and again) I love you my darling, you have dealt with far more from me than any other human being on this earth, and still came out holding my hand on the other side. Your love holds me up, and keeps me grounded. Thank you, for being all that you are.
And lastly, I'm grateful for all that we have. We have a wonderful home, a steady income, adorable (and annoying) pets, food in our fridge, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We have so much, and I was so little. I whined and complained about sore this, achy that.... There are those big hearted wonderful people out that, that do so much, while having so little. I can do more, I can be more, I can love more. So I will. I am planning to volunteer during my time off, to give back to our society and to the people in it. I may not be able to do the work I had, but I will do whatever I can, with the good I have inside me.
My babies are well, and I'm even better. I'm better for learning a lesson that I thought I already knew. I forgot how lucky I am to have these blessings, to be expecting these beautiful babies, with so much to give and share with them. I'm lucky that despite everything that has gone wrong with my endometriosis etc, that my body has turned out to be a wonderful host to grow strong healthy babies. I'm lucky for a lot, and for all that I have and what is to come, I'm incredibly grateful.
